Mental Health Month with Kira Sabin: Coping Methods (Hour 1)

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Good afternoon, everybody.

I'm Todd Alba, along with a fantastic engineer, producer, Mr. Aaron Zommerer's on the board.

It is six minutes past the hour of two o'clock on this Tuesday, May 20th, 2025.

It is a great day to be Wisconsinite.

Glad to be with you from the Civic Media World headquarters in downtown Madison on State Street.

Overcast skies, Mr. Zommerer's.

We just went and got a little cup of coffee before the show.

Little windy, drizzly.

And great.

Great data to stay inside.

Yeah, this morning, I woke up to some police sirens.

I don't know what that was about.

But more importantly, the thrust is rainstorms.

A lot of rain very quickly.

And I'm glad it slowed down enough for us to be able to go get that coffee.

One of those rain events this morning, at least here in Madison.

Throughout much of Madison rain was kind of going sideways.

It was that it was that windy So lots of rain across the state of Wisconsin.

Some places are going to get heavier doses than others Remember what they say if you come across a roadway where the water is absolutely covering it turn around Don't drown.

You never know what it looks like.

Oh, it's just you know, the road is covered Well, the roadway could have been washed out underneath of that.

So just do yourself a favor and also the responders would have to come and help you

Don't try to go through water where you're not certain you can't see the bottom and it's rushing through there.

So

I have seen too many cars stalled out in roads that they thought.

We're not as deep of puddles as they

are.

Yeah, exactly.

I know some of our ag producers could use the rain in parts of Wisconsin, so that is welcome.

Gonna be cool, though.

Temperature is only the 50s and maybe around 60 as the rain continues to move across the state of Wisconsin today into tomorrow.

Then things begin to clear off a bit, although temperatures will remain cool throughout most of the Memorial Day weekend.

Highs only in the 60s in most cases, although partly sunny skies by, excuse me, Saturday and Sunday.

on most parts of the state.

There may be an exception here or there.

Big show for you today, coming up at hour number two, gonna have a what's worse for you in terms of spam.

And we're not talking about the kinds you eat.

We're talking about the kind that derives into your inbox or in your snail mail, i.e.

your postal service mailbox.

Junk mail, spam.

Talk about that in hour two in terms of what's worse.

Go get to a little.

news of the day.

Kira Saban is going to be along here in hour two.

It's the second in a three-part series we're doing for Mental Health Awareness Month.

In this month of May, Kira, of course, a life coach and positivity psychology coach as well.

She is going to be here just a bit to walk us through coping.

coping, and we're not just talking about death, but also depression, things that we all face in our life.

It doesn't have to necessarily mean clinical depression, but we all get down.

We all get things that we're feeling overwhelmed about right now, whether that's the news, whether that's politics, just the large amount of things we find on our plates.

We all get overwhelmed.

So Kira's gonna be here and walk us through some great steps on how we stay mentally fit, mentally healthy, and how we cope with these things.

But I want to begin with a couple of news stories here, one from yesterday, one from, well, actually last night.

We didn't get to it yesterday.

And I want to just mention it on today's broadcast.

Over the weekend, former president Joe Biden was diagnosed with stage four prostate cancer.

And I think anybody who has had a family member go through cancer or has gone through it themselves, your heart.

And if you're a person of faith, your prayers have to go out to President Biden and his family during this time.

They do something called a PSA test.

I am a male that has arrived at the age where that is, at least for me, in my annual physical, a standard practice.

My paternal grandfather, my granddad, had prostate cancer, and so I'm a slightly elevated risk.

So they do something called a PSA test.

It's a blood test to basically test

I'm not a doctor.

I don't know.

It's like the hormones or the testosterone, whatever in your prostate.

And if it's elevated, it can mean that it's a high risk.

It doesn't diagnose, per se, prostate cancer, but it can be high risk.

And so my understanding is from the Biden folks, what they released, and number one, props to President Biden for being so transparent, number one.

And they said that he has a nine out of 10 on the PSA scale for

for prostate cancer.

They also announced that it has gone into at least somewhere into his bones as well.

And so therefore it is cancer is one, two, three or four in terms of stages.

They classified as stage four cancer and his test results are nine out of 10 on the PSA scale.

So certainly very concerning, certainly very serious.

President Donald Trump put out a tweet after the news was released by President Biden.

Look, I'm not gonna who knows I'm not gonna sit here and say it wasn't written by him Maybe it was but it was a a professional tweet like just basically saying sorry to hear this wish president Biden well and that was it I Do think there's something to the fact that we have to call that out is like oh, isn't this something this Teddy President has a kind tweet It was a surprise, but you know what a whoever wrote it.

Good job, right?

And he did not add anything to that at least in the moment yesterday during a press conference And I debated whether to play this or not but again under the auspices of I want people to hear things in the original vernacular I want you to hear what president Trump said when the reporter asked him about president Biden

Do you want to

respond to President Biden being diagnosed with cancer?

Are you going to call your your predecessor?

I think it's very sad actually.

I'm surprised that it wasn't you know the public wasn't notified a long time ago because to get to stage nine that's a long time.

I just had my physical you saw that you saw the results of that particular test.

I think that test is standard to pretty much anybody getting

A physical, good physical.

We had the doctors at the White House and over at Walter Reed, which is a fantastic hospital.

I do it.

I did a very complete physical, including cognitive tests.

I'm proud to announce.

I aced it.

I got them all right.

You proud of me?

Yes.

Your husband would be proud of me for getting them all right.

It's a little risk.

If I didn't get them all right, these people would be after me.

It would be not a good situation.

But I think, frankly, anybody running for president should take a cognitive test.

All right.

So it goes

on from there.

I wanted to play it because, again, he miscalls this out, whether or not it's just Trump being Trump or whether he intended to do it.

I don't know.

But Trump said that Joe Biden had stage nine cancer, which is just he had a nine out of 10 on a PSA test.

There's only four stages to cancer and Biden himself says it's stage four.

That's number one.

Number two.

I'm not a doctor, but again, having gone through some of these tests as a male of a certain age that's somewhat predisposed to prostate cancer, my granddad had it, that you don't normally, the PSA test is not something for prostate cancer specifically, it's not always given to every male.

And my understanding from the medical profession is once you reach the age of 70, 70, they stop doing it.

as a matter of practice, unless you're predisposed.

I don't know President Biden's history, but let's just say he wasn't predisposed.

So it's not unusual that they wouldn't do this cancer.

And again, from reading about medical professionals, this could come on very quickly.

So it is very possible that last year, a little over a year ago, he would add his annual presidential medical exam and it came back fine.

And so

they didn't do any more testing.

from

what I've been reading, they have called this a very aggressive type of cancer.

That does not mean he's going to die in the next 10 days or something.

That just means it does move incredibly quickly.

Or it can

move incredibly

quickly.

It just sickens me that Trump, and again you heard his response there, any other president, I don't care whether it was Obama or W. Bush or whoever, anybody else in that situation would have said, you know,

Our thoughts and prayers are with president, whoever the former president was, and we wish them a speedy recovery.

But instead, Trump goes on and on makes about himself and basically attacks Biden.

I think that shows you the kind of person that Donald Trump is in that situation.

I just wish President Biden all the best.

I appreciate him being transparent.

And again, if you're a male of a certain age, consult your doctor, make sure that you're being honest about people in your life that might have had prostate cancer, get the tests, know your body, and if something doesn't feel right, go get seen.

That is the main thing I wanted to say about that.

All right, on the big story yesterday, and some really great reporting by the Milwaukee Journal's sent notes, Kelly Meyerhofer, Sophie Carson, Madeleine Heim, and David Clary.

Tragedy at my alma mater at the University of Wisconsin-Platteville yesterday from the Waukey Journal Sentinel, University of Wisconsin-Platteville students, two of them died in a residence hall incident that a school email described as quote, a targeted and isolated unquote incident yesterday.

The university identified the students as Kelsey Martin, age 22 of Beloit, and Hallie Helms,

22 of Baraboo.

Helms graduated with an elementary education degree just two days before the shooting, according to a graduation program.

Martin was listed as a psychology graduate in the same program.

The school email, which went out shortly after 11 o'clock last night, said the families of the two women had been notified.

Now, I encourage you to go to Milwaukee Drill Center to read this whole story.

It's really interesting.

and tragic and sad.

And we're going to talk with Kira Saban a little bit about this in the next segment.

Number one, it was really frustrating because UW-Platteville administrators and law enforcement and officials would not say what happened.

Just kept saying shelter in place.

There was a large police presence on campus.

The incident occurred around 4 p.m.

at Wilgus Hall, a student residence.

I don't know now, but when I went there, it was all female.

residents, I'm not sure that that's the case now.

People saw an ambulance at the scene and an eyewitness that the Milwaukee Journal said they'll talk to Amanda Swat, uh, Sawatosky, I hope I'm saying that right, age 24, Sawatosky, uh, was drinking at a water fountain on the first floor of Wilgus Hall and heard the voices of two people fighting in a room down the hall about 320.

The person also, this Swastiki also use, so Tkosky, I'm sorry, they use the pronoun they, so the story is written that way.

Said they were in their room working on a senior seminar paper when they heard a single loud bang followed by a muffled sound and then it sounded like something heavy falling on the floor.

A criminal justice major who went through commencement this past Saturday, Sektowski,

Was sure the noise was a gunshot quote from commencement on Saturday to a school shooting on Monday It's surreal.

They said you think it's never gonna happen to you and then it happens to you Satoski barricaded their door with a chair fearing a shooter was on the loose in the dorm They said it was quote a fear of I'm trapped like an animal in a cage in the mental awareness I'm just sitting there and there's nothing I could do is festering

I never thought I would be a statistic in a criminal shooting."

A little before 5 p.m., three police officers knocked on their door, yelling to open up the officers who they described as heavily armed, searched the room, and escorted Sakowski out.

A family member of Helms declined to comment.

Relatives of Martin could not be reached for comment.

These were two young women graduating

from the University of Wisconsin-Platteville, and we don't know what happened.

We don't know what the circumstances are.

All we know from the reporting here by the Milwaukee Journal sent ill and eyewitnesses is there was a gunshot at University of Wisconsin-Platteville in Wilgus Hall, and two young women are dead.

We're gonna talk with Kara Saban on the other side about coping.

How to help prevent

things like this, take care of our mental health, and what do we do when this affects us?

Don't go anywhere.

It's the Tonal Ball Show on a Tuesday across Wisconsin on the Civic Media.

Ready now.

Pursuing truth wherever it may lead.

And we'll leave it there for now.

This is not necessarily a fun part of the segment.

We'll get into that maybe in hour number two.

Glad to have you along.

22 past the hour of two o'clock here on a Tuesday, May 20th, 25, Kira Saban in with us.

Kira, really appreciate you being here.

And we, look, well, as we always try to do, you make us feel better.

And I think we always will feel better every time you join us.

But want to talk about this incident at UW-Platteville where two young women are dead.

And again, a shout out to the Milwaukee's rural Sentinel.

And I think this is important because good local reporting is so important.

Kelly Meyerhoffer, Sophie Carson, Madeline Heim, and David Clary all contributed to this story, which lays it out.

And for those that didn't join us before.

Two young women identified as Kelsey Martin, 22 of Beloit, and Hallie Helms, 22 of Baraboo are dead after an apparent shooting at Wilgus Hall at my alma mater of UW-Plattville.

Kira, I don't want to delve too much into...

the speculation because we don't know what happened.

All we know from the reporting from Waukesha Central Sentinel.

And as you well know, you've talked about before our public profiles that we create as individuals on our socials.

So from LinkedIn and from Facebook and other things.

We know that one of these individuals had just graduated.

A psychology major was an RA, a residence, a hall director, had dealt with mental health issues on her floor and been a leader in that.

The other one was going into education, listed educators as her role models.

My point is, Kira Saban, that outwardly, outwardly, as we meet these individuals on the street,

A person would think, well, there's two people, two young women, have it all together.

They're doing great.

They got good careers.

They're helping other people.

They're stable.

They got nothing to worry about.

And all we know is that there was a gunshot, and today both of these young women are dead.

And I think for me, Kira, it's a very sad and tragic, but unfortunately good reminder, as you have said in the show, we never know the struggles that other people are fighting.

We don't we have absolutely no idea and I feel like in this day and age with social media and technology It's even harder.

It's harder to detect.

It's harder to know when people are struggling and Everybody is in a level of comparison that we never were before for thousands of years we wake up comparing ourselves to

Other people are age other people we inspire to be and it keeps us in a place of Isolation and it keeps us in a place of feeling like there's something wrong with us and everybody else has it together and The biggest conversation around mental health is Everybody has problems on some level at some point with mental health because of life Because of just life and mostly because most of us if you're unless you're under the age of 10

didn't learn any coping skills that would be helpful, didn't learn really healthy mindsets, didn't learn anything to kind of get us through these times.

So there are lots of different kinds of coping skills we're going to talk about today.

Some of them are helpful, a lot of them are not.

And where we put our time and energy, number one is super, super important, but

just giving ourselves and everybody else a break, that person who's grumpy at work, that barista that wasn't as happy, we don't know what anybody else is going through.

And I feel like where the separation has really hurt us is we just assume everybody else is okay.

And it's very clear we're not.

For those needing to talk with someone, even if you don't think you're quote unquote suicidal,

I know that might not be the right term, but I think it's a term that people identify with.

So that's why I'm going to use it.

I mean, the people are like, you know, I'm not really a suicidal.

I'm not going to do self-harm.

It doesn't matter.

If you're just really stressed out and you're like unstable in your own, like I do not feel OK, pick up your phone in either text or dial 988.

988, there is someone standing by 24 hours a day to talk with you and can get you help.

I think in my haste, Kira, I forgot to introduce you to your title positivity psychology coach.

You can find Kira and all of her great information, all of her great workshops, which they are fantastic at Thrive with Kira.

That's Thrive with spelled out, Kira, K-I-R-A.

The only Kira I know.

I love her to death.

Thrivewithkira.com is where you can find all of this.

And of course, 988.

the crisis helpline to call as well.

Kira, we're gonna be playing this as well on Memorial Day because I think it's really helpful.

Memorial Day, we tend to say, oh, you know, it's Wisconsin Dells in the summer.

But there are a lot of people who are trying to cope.

Not just people who lost loved ones in military service, which that's a real thing.

But a lot of people who just lost loved ones.

And I think that when we drive by the cemeteries this time of year, we tend to

Look at the flowers and forget about the people standing there who are trying to cope with this loss That's another type of things other things we have to cope with right?

Absolutely, I mean you can do seemingly life really well right like find your person and get a good job and yadda yadda life is still gonna show up

You're still going to have, we have aging parents or we lose parents, kind of you and I are at the age of that Todd, right?

And that's something that I never thought I would be dealing with at a younger version of myself.

You know, we are grieving friends.

I have lost friends over the last five, 10 years from many different things, from car accidents to cancer, like,

Life will come.

You'll lose jobs.

Maybe completely unexpectedly.

Your relationship may change or evolve.

You might have kids and you're really struggling with them right now.

All of these things are normal.

And man, I will talk about my own struggles.

I do on my podcast all the time with my clients because I want for us to know this is normal.

What's not is our lack of empathy and compassion for ourselves and others right now.

That is what's not normal.

and talk about healthy coping skills with Kira Saban, a positive psychology coach.

You can find all of her work at thrivewithkira.com.

It's the Tonnell Bowl Show for a Tuesday.

Stay with us for an Ag update back after this on the Civic Media.

Welcome back to Tunnelball Show on the Civic Media Ready Network.

Glad to have you along.

We have with us today Ms.

Kira Saban.

Long time friend of mine, but more importantly for this program, a positive psychology coach.

You can find all of her work at Thrive with Kira.

Kira spelled K-I-R-A.

Thrivewithkira.com.

She joins us via stream yard from her home.

Kira, we're talking about this tragedy that happened at UW-Platteville yesterday.

If you're listening to us live today, we're also going to replay this show on Memorial Day.

So whether it's people dealing with sudden loss at Platteville and the surrounding communities, or whether it's on Memorial Day as people go to visit the graves of their loved ones, perhaps some for the first time since they've lost them, or maybe it's just you're feeling down.

And you're like, you got the blondes.

All of these things, we need skills with how to cope.

And today, you're going to start walking us through this.

This is a second of a three-part series.

We're

going to

finish it up next Tuesday.

Yeah,

the day after.

Yeah, because there's just a lot of information here and a lot of conversation around it.

And I want to make sure that we fully understand, or if anything, this just sparks a conversation for you to go learn some more on Google or talk to your therapist about it or, or whatever it is.

But today we're talking about coping skills and you brought up some really important things Memorial Day, this tragedy at UW.

You love me.

Platform.

Sorry.

But really coping skills are anything that we do consciously or unconsciously to manage our stress, our emotions, our discomfort on a day-to-day basis.

So it's not just what we do when we maybe are grieving a loss or, you know, have just had a major something happen.

This is also what we do every single day to keep ourselves sane, kind.

And like making sure that we're we're we're winning more than not at life, you know, and by winning, I just mean finding joy and finding happiness on a daily basis and connection.

Yeah, absolutely.

So let's get into it.

What are coping skills both good and bad and why do they matter?

They absolutely matter because what you do to calm yourself, what you do when you're struggling.

You can you can either be helpful What's something called completing the stress cycle which I can come on another day and talk about for burnout?

They can be things that are moving you forward or through that time or those emotions or as

So many of us have been taught to do.

They are shoving them down.

We are numbing out.

We are pretending or avoiding that they even exist so that we just don't have to deal with them.

And we watched our parents do that a lot.

And when I say, you know, numbing out, I mean, things like grabbing that old fashioned Tony, who left a message for us, right?

Tony on YouTube, he coped by emotional regulation.

He says his code for an old fashioned, right?

And here's the deal.

I think that for people who have a okay relationship with alcohol, like having a really tough day and a drink is not a big deal.

But when that becomes your only way you cope, or if that becomes the normal way you cope and so that you're now waking up tired the next day, you're actually grumpier than usually are, then it's not working for you, right?

And a lot of times a coping skill or strategy isn't a bad thing.

It's just that we use one or two of them way too much.

So there are healthy ones, things like meditation, things like going for a walk in nature.

You know, it can be a lot of different things.

Listening to a happy podcast that makes you laugh, things that bring joy, things that help us feel things because we love to think and think we can think our way through our feelings and we can't.

We have to feel our way through the feelings.

And that happens not just through thinking, but through our body.

I went to a fireside chat last week and Monte Ball, former Wisconsin badger, all-star running back, went to the NFL.

And he's going to be on the show soon.

And I'm looking forward to it because he talked about his journey at Wisconsin and beyond.

And to your point, Kira, he said, once I got to Wisconsin and got this full ride scholarship,

I felt so much pressure because he's from St.

Louis.

Yes.

And his family moved up here with him.

And it was like, you're either going to make this man, or everything's over.

Like, our family has moved here, and you're either going to make the NFL be a star.

That's the way he felt, or it's all.

And he said that pressure, and to your point, how to cope with that, he ended up turning to alcohol.

because he thought in his head, it was helping him relax and cope with all that stress.

And for him, he said in his journey, and all of ours are different, that was his mechanism to cope in a very unhealthy way that ended up just really having tragedy in his life until he has now been in recovery for several years and helping others.

Yeah, absolutely.

I'm super proud.

My husband has been sober for almost 10 years and watching him go through that journey has made me a better human because it also had me look at how much I was relying on alcohol to virtually numb.

And one of my goals in my my fifties now is to create a life I don't have to escape from.

you know, to create a daily existence that I can look at myself in the mirror and feel good about at the end of the day, knowing that I am showing up with integrity and giving back in ways that feel good.

But you have to be able to have coping skills and mindsets to even get to that level of where we feel like giving back.

I think like nobody wants to give back right now because we're all just trying to survive.

And

I

don't think our regular

our administration right now is helping us survive.

If we think about it, our communities, our areas are doing better when people feel safe, when people feel like they have people they can lean on and talk to, when they have nowhere their food and their meals and everything is coming from.

And right now, that's really unsafe.

And we have an option to either kind of shut down, numb out, just ignore it or avoid or be grumpy in our houses online.

or reach out become part of the community put our time and our values and our energy where they should be right now which is helping others that we care about you know and reaching out because I'll tell you this isolation this loneliness it's just it's just making the struggle worse yeah and you know there is a

There's a number one indicator of long-term health and happiness and its community and relationships.

Really?

And the health of your community and relationships.

Do you think that's... Not just a relationship.

Do you think it's why not to interrupt, but do you think that's why countries like Denmark and Finland usually rank at the top of world happiness?

Yes.

Because they're riding bikes, they're in their community.

It seems like, I mean, one of my friends is from Denmark, I haven't been there yet, he keeps asking me to come over, but I really want to.

I may have to move there, no, I'm just kidding.

No,

Copenhagen is like my favorite place on earth, actually.

Oh, I love

it.

You're a world traveler.

Yes, it is one of my favorite places.

So tell us

as someone who's been there, is it just that they are, I don't want to say forced into community more, but that's part of their culture?

What is it?

To me, and it's not just, I think it's a lot of countries that are like this that just basically give everybody a basic.

Place to land soft place to land like if you get sick, it's okay like come to the hospital We will figure it out because sometimes people get sick, right?

Sometimes people lose their jobs because of whatever, right?

We allow people to make mistakes and fail and help them get back on their feet That's what I think happens in European countries I think that happens in Canada more and those are why those are on the top 10 and we are not because we don't allow people to fail we don't allow people to

No,

that's okay, but we don't we don't allow people to to move on and grow so and that's a major problem and I'm told regularly that people only feel good about themselves if they think they're better than other people and That's a really sad space to be in in your head

Zomers.

I think another thing about a lot of European countries that helps their mental and physical health be better is that a lot of their cities are older

And so they are designed to be walkable where a lot of our cities are made around cars and not people.

So for them, it's like, all right, I'm done with work.

I'm going to walk over to the pub and hang out with some friends and then walk back home as opposed to here where it's like, I got to get ready and get gas in my car and drive across town for 30 minutes.

Curious up into that.

Uh.

I mean, without yelling the word capitalism here really loudly, try not to do that.

But I just think the focus is different.

I think our focus is work and productivity, particularly here in the Midwest, right?

Our job was told to

Your worth is tied to your productivity, to how hard you work and how many hours you put in.

And what we're seeing is a completely burned out society who is tired and struggling and has zero idea how to cope.

We're talking about Kira Saban.

She is a positive psychology coach.

You can find all of her work at thrivewithkira.com, thrivewithkira.com, talking about coping in this May Mental Health Awareness Month.

We're in our second of our three-part series, which we'll finish up on the Tuesday after Memorial Day.

Kira, where do these coping skills come from?

Is it the old, you know, okay, let's go back to your childhood.

It is the people we surround ourselves with.

Where do these both positive and negative coping mechanisms come from?

Well, there's a very good chance that what you saw your parents come home and do every day after work is exactly what you go home and do every day after work.

Whether that is crack open a beer, pour a glass of wine, you know, or go outside and exercise or go in nature.

I mean, we kind of do what we, what we saw, right?

And that's super normal.

That's, that's what.

familiarity is right and we do a lot of what we saw our parents do but we know whether our parents were happy or not.

We know whether or not they were really thriving and if that's not working anymore or maybe it worked for them but it doesn't work for you you have to look at it and step back from it because it may be hurting more than helping at this point.

That's really interesting.

I mean, I see both good from bad on this my own life, you know Our family likes to eat.

I think when we're Oh,

yeah, you

know

I

need something to eat but also like looking back for my parents divorce my mom was a single mom and we had basically no money We would go outside a lot go to like state parks as like you know 18 bucks for the whole year Other than the cost of gas and so we would spend a do a lot of hiking

And I think, honestly, in a positive way, I got that from my mom.

Like, get outside.

Get outside when you're down.

Eat a bowl of popcorn, too, but also get

outside.

And once again, most of those things aren't bad.

But if we count on them all the time and they become our only coping mechanism, then they start hurting more than helping, right?

And I love that Linda took you outside.

Yeah.

I wish she would have taken me with you guys a little bit more.

Back in the day, she could she could whip my butt.

She could outrun me up a hill at Devil's Lake.

True.

I believe that

I was like

in middle school at the time.

Yeah, she could outrun me.

Linda's awesome.

She is.

She is awesome.

I got about two minutes before the break here before I have to.

We'll come back after it.

Let's start dipping our toe into a little bit.

Are all coping skills created

equally?

They surely are not.

Let's talk about things that help versus things that don't.

So a healthy coping scale helps you feel and helps you process and helps you regulate your emotions.

And by regulate your emotions, I just mean, so your emotions don't control you and how you react to things, you control them.

And that's, I think, an ultimate goal for all of us, especially since we did not get that role model growing up, even in media.

They also leave you feeling better, calmer, more grounded, clearer, and they support the long term.

term while being, you know, even if they take effort, where unhealthy coping skills, they avoid or suppress emotions, they feel good in the moment, but they might lead to more stress or shame later.

And they also, they often create disconnection.

So they have found one of the biggest ways that we cope is just even hugs or, you know, being able to

the oxytocin, like being able to kick that in with being connected, having a great conversation, a hug, whatever it is, those are really, really great ways to feel in your body.

Yeah, I mean, we don't have time to get into it.

As for permission, I guess, but I still believe in a hug, a human hug is worth a lot.

I really do.

All right, come on back.

One of my favorite humans, Kira Saban, more with how to cope in this mental health awareness month.

Don't go anywhere.

It's the all balls show on the civic media radio network.

You're listening to civic media.

Find the latest news, information and archives of all your favorite shows on the civic media website, civic media dot us.

Pursuing truth wherever it may lead and having fun doing it welcome back the title ball show on the Pacific media radio network It is coming up on eight minutes before the hour glad to have you along here Kira Saban our positivity psychology coaches with us via stream yard Talking about coping things we cope with it could be lost this time of year around the Memorial Day Season when we're remembering people that were lost in in duty

from our military, our American heroes.

It could be a grandparent, a spouse, a significant other, a friend who are visiting their grave, or it could just be we're coming home overwhelmed after work and we turn on the news only to be more overwhelmed.

And we think, how are we going to cope with this?

As Kira has told us already, there are healthy ways getting outside, talking to people, listening to podcasts like hers, thrivewithkira.com, or...

There are unhealthy ways, which if you have a problem in a bad relationship with alcohol or other drugs and you go to that and with alcohol you overindulge other things that are bad.

Kira, let's get into a little bit of this with right before the break, are all coping skills created equally?

Obvious answer, no, no they are not.

No, and I want to say that also the biggest thing about alcohol, because I don't like to say good or bad, I do say sometimes helpful and unhelpful, right?

Like some things are just not that helpful.

And at the end of the day, anything that is shutting down our emotions.

pushing them so we don't have to think about it or we don't have to feel, that's never gonna be a long-term good idea.

It's just not.

And we do that a lot of different ways, right?

That also is our tiny little computer that we have in our hands that we're on all day every day, right?

So I saw a comedian recently who's our age, Todd, and he was saying how in the 80s, we are automatically mindful, because we didn't have...

cell phones and you had to think about your stuff, right?

You had to like actually be

present or in the moment where now we can avoid almost everything because of our phones where we're playing games, we're on social media, we're reading news, we're doing whatever, but it's all just a way to ignore or avoid what's going on in our lives and our feelings.

So it doesn't matter if it even seems good, if it's something that is pushing down your emotions, ignoring or avoiding, here's the

deal, your emotions are going to come out one way or another.

There's something that they have found out through science, through psychology, that if our emotions are pushing down, sometimes they can now create illnesses.

They can stay in our bodies.

They are like, there's actually proof behind this or books written about it.

Like if we don't teach ourselves how to feel, even the tough stuff.

It'll come out through anger.

It'll come out through abuse.

It'll come out through addiction.

It'll come out in other ways.

So the smartest thing to do is start figuring out how to feel what you feel.

And I'll tell you the best way that I love to think about therapy or coaching or anything like that is.

Everybody can use an outside perspective occasionally.

We get so caught up in our heads and all of the things and all of our stories and all of our perspectives.

Everybody can use somebody occasionally holding up a mirror and saying, well, are we sure that one makes total sense?

Or could it also be this?

Or could it be that, right?

Just to really be able to clarify our lives because we're living in a lot of stories and perspectives that are.

unhelpful and a big one I think for particularly mid-westerners in our generations is pushing feelings down.

Don't have them.

Don't feel them.

Don't talk about them.

It's bad.

And it's not, not helpful at all.

I think that's a really great reminder and we're running out of time here.

So we talked a little bit about this before.

a while, a long time ago, actually.

But I was going through something in my life, business-wise and personal relationship-wise a few years ago, and I was fortunate enough to have Kirit in my life and talk with her about this.

And she gave me some really honest love, but like tough love, like why are you still, you're allowing that person in your life, like grow a pair.

And- And- I don't think I've ever said the words grow a

pair, but okay.

I

mean, metaphorically.

But I mean, that was really good.

And I think the point is, whether they reach out to you at thrivewithkira.com, whether they have another professional in life, or quite frankly, Kira, just an honest friend that is a degree of separation away who will give us some clarity, that's really healthy sometimes, or always maybe.

always, right?

Our thoughts and feelings should never always just be our own, right?

Or they get stuck in there and then gets a little weird, right?

It just gets a little weird when it's just us.

And I can, you know, and I always know that I need to talk to more people when I'm like, oh, I've just kind of seen the world a little weird.

I need to have some more conversations.

But I wanted to say the other thing that we didn't mention is we overwork.

So

we can

talk about alcohol.

We can talk about eating.

We can talk about doom-scrolling on our phones.

But we love to overwork in this culture and then call it, you know, busyness or productivity.

And it's just another way to numb.

Right.

To avoid dealing with the real issues in our heads, in our

hearts.

Right.

And I think that a lot of people will be like, oh, I don't drink much.

I don't overeat.

I don't, but we like to work.

And boy, when we are feeling overwhelmed, what do we do?

We go back to what we can control, which is our work.

But if it's not helping us feel, it's not helping us heal.

I

like that.

If

it's not helping us

feel, it's not helping us heal.

Right?

That's like Oprah Good.

OK.

But I'm sure somebody else said it a thousand different ways.

And I am just saying, but I appreciate it if it resonates with somebody.

Yeah.

But if we're not feeling it, we're not healing it.

About a minute and 20 seconds left.

Give us some homework for next Tuesday.

We get together on coping.

So next week, I'm going to really talk hardcore about the two type of coping styles because not everything is the same.

And then more importantly, just the healthier ones and letting go of habits that aren't working as well and creating your own kind of what I call a coping skills toolbox.

But until then, I would love people to just step back and go.

what am I doing to cope?

When I have a bad day, what am I doing?

Am I pouring a drink?

Am I going online?

Am I talking to my friend?

Am I jumping back into work?

What am I doing?

And does it feel good?

And if not, let's talk about it.

Let's get into it next week.

Yeah, we definitely will.

And again, a reminder, if you are dealing with someone or something internally,

and you feel that you need help coping immediately, pick up the phone, call or dial 988-988 for the Mental Health Awareness Hotline.

Kira Saban, you're always fantastic.

You can find your work at thrivewithkira.com.

Love you, Kira.

Thank you very much.

We'll talk to you next week.

See you next week.

All right, there you go.

Kira Saban, everybody.

Come on back.

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