This is the Empowered Caregiver Show.
If you are a caregiver or know someone who is,
this show is meant to uplift you through education and support,
while also lifting up every caregiver's invaluable role in society.
Now, here is the Empowered Caregiver and your host,
Liza Helen Brand.
You are listening to the Empowered Caregiver
and I am your host, Liza Helen Brand.
Today I will be talking the Tim Markle of the Forgiveness Factor.
Tim's teachings are based on the work of Dr. Robert Engwright,
the father of forgiveness research.
Since May is Mental Health Awareness Month,
I thought Tim would be a perfect guess,
because I personally believe that the ability to forgive
can play a huge role in one's mental health.
So I cannot wait to talk more with Tim about forgiveness
and the awesome work that he does.
But before I jump into that, I want to make sure that I give a shout out
to the organizations that have supported the Empowered Caregiver Show
along the way.
The first one is the Wisconsin Family and Caregiver Support Alliance.
You can learn more about the Alliance at WisconsinCaregiver.org.
WisconsinCaregiver.org is an amazing one stop place
where you can learn all things caregiving in Wisconsin.
You can also follow them on Facebook at Wisconsin's
Family Caregiver Support Programs.
Lastly, the Alliance is always looking for organizations
and individuals to be part of the Alliance.
So there's information on their website at
WisconsinCaregiver.org on how you can join.
They do a lot of amazing work to support caregivers
throughout Wisconsin, including work on helping companies
become more caregiver-friendly.
So I strongly encourage everyone to go check them out.
The second sponsor I'd like to thank is Wisconsin Early Autism Project.
I have worked with Wisconsin Early Autism Project for nearly 20 years.
And I would say that they have what they have done to support my son
in his autism journey was probably one of the most impactful
and far-reaching programs or therapies that we were a part of.
So to learn more about their services
and their locations throughout the state of Wisconsin,
go to wiautism.com.
In switching gears, there's one piece of advocacy information
that I'd like to get out there as well.
In the US Aging's annual appropriations request letter to Congress,
they outline the critical importance of investing in OAA,
the Older Americans Act,
and other vital discretionary programs
that help older adults live independently in their home.
What needs to be done now, now that they have this letter,
they presented it to Congress.
We as citizens need to advocate for it, right?
Things just don't happen.
We have to call, we have to write.
Many things that we can do as citizens to advocate for proper funding
to support the seniors in our state.
The US Aging's collective goal is to ensure
that members of Congress recognize that the funding for aging
network programs and services needs to be significantly increased.
There's years that it went down, there's years that it stayed the same,
but rarely has there been an increase in funding
for long-term basis supports.
And the three reasons that we need,
and then I mean need, increase in funding for the OAA is one,
to serve the rapidly growing number of older adults who need support
to meet the greater complexity of the needs among older adults
that are being served,
and three, to address the workforce challenges that are affecting
older adults access to services.
The 2025 appropriations requests urges Congress to significantly increase
funding for three subtitles of the act,
which include support services,
Native American aging programs,
and the National Family Caregiver Support Program.
So please contact your representatives and senators now
to advocate for funding for OAA programs and services.
And if you want to learn more about that,
there's lots of different places you can go to do that.
One of them being usaging.org.
I also wanted to let everyone know that the 2024 Wisconsin
Respet Summit will be held Wednesday, June 12th at 815 in Eau Claire.
There's no fee to attend this summit.
Registration and breakfast will begin at 815,
and then the program will actually start at 9 o'clock
and end around 3 p.m.
During this time, community partners, family caregivers,
care recipients, and professionals from all around the state
will gather to increase awareness and the need for respite care
and to help develop and renewed continuing commitment
to the services of Wisconsin families.
So respite is key.
I think a key component to mental health.
The topic we're going to be talking about soon.
So if you want to get involved in that program,
you can go to respitecarewi.org.
It's respitecarewi.org.
So as I mentioned earlier,
May is Mental Health Awareness Month.
And I have with me today Tim Markle
from the forgiveness factor.
Hello, Tim, and thank you so much for being here.
Good morning.
I'm so excited to be here and just a shout out
to the respite care thing.
I am planning on being there.
And so I encourage everyone to come on out,
come on up to Claire and say hi.
Can you give a little more insight
because I didn't go into the whole agenda.
Like, do you know offhand topics that are going to be
covering it covered or why it would be important
for someone to go?
Well, I've been there in the past.
And so one of the reasons that I find it really important
is that it's a bunch of people that are really concerned
about helping people to have mental breaks
and physical breaks from the hard work
that they do around caregiving.
And so we talk about what are some of those innovative ways
that you can take those breaks when your life is already
stuffed full of stuff.
How do you fit another thing into there?
We'll learn about some of the latest legislature
that's going through about how to support respite care workers,
the funding for respite.
So it should be a really full day.
Lots of important topics.
And I did a presentation at the Circles of Life conference
last week and I saw you there.
And did you present as well?
I ended up, yes.
I ended up presenting on the other side of my life
talking about healthcare transition
and helping students with disabilities
to transition into the adult world of healthcare.
Ooh, something that you and I should connect about
because that's where I'm at with my son.
Yes.
So while I had talked a little bit,
we touched on just a little bit about respite
in my presentation and some of the barriers.
And not only is finding a respite,
you know, respite provider a barrier or an obstacle,
but also, like you had said, incorporating it.
A lot of people have a lot of guilt around using respite.
And I would like, and I'm sure you would like this as well
to debunk that because it's absolutely necessary
for your own well-being.
Absolutely.
And it goes back to a phrase that I know people have heard before,
but it's really true.
Is that you cannot pour water out of an empty cup.
And you know, it's a phrase that's been out there
and we could just sort of poo poo and say,
oh, well, that's cute.
And that's like the cat hanging on the limb.
Oh, just hanging there.
Oh, thank you so much for that really unhelpful advice.
But it's really true.
Is that if we want to give the best to our family members
that we are taking care of,
we need to think about taking care of ourselves.
Is that if we are tired and angry
and if our bodies are not maximally functioning,
then we're not going to be able to care for our family members
the way we want to.
Right.
And so we really do need to look at ourselves
and look at, okay, where are those times
where we can get those mini breaks into our days?
Where are those days where maybe we could bring someone
in for respite and have that bigger break,
that longer break, where maybe there's this,
I would say a little list, but it's really usually a big list,
of things that, you know, I really want to get done
so that I can feel more comfortable in my house
or more comfortable in my life.
Is some people, the chaos sets around them,
they're fine with that.
But with other people,
it's like I can't be comfortable if there's not clean dishes.
Right.
I can't be comfortable if the dust bunnies
are threatening to overwhelm my house
if they're gathering together and they're coming at me,
is I need a certain space.
And so respite can give us that chance,
not just to have an emotional break
from what could be a very draining the loving relationship,
but it can also maybe give us that time
to bring a little bit of order to the chaos.
Well, that's really important for me.
Yes.
And you say loving relationship
and having that respite plays into that,
because like you said,
if you have nothing left to give,
you know, it's going to impact your relationship
in a negative way, right?
So you need that to recharge.
I like the saying about the cup.
I thought for sure you were going to do the old,
put your oxygen mask on yourself.
I thought about it,
but I was just in an airplane
and I don't even want to think about it.
So I don't, you know.
But they're both the same.
You know, they sound nice.
Everyone can say,
yada, yada, yada.
But I really like this awareness
that I think is growing
about the importance of it.
And not only, you know, why it's necessary,
but like I said, for some people,
there's barriers.
So they write it off.
When really we should be stopping and saying,
okay, what are the barriers?
What are our solutions?
There's got to be options.
We've got to find a way to incorporate this,
like you find a way to incorporate sleep and eating
and everything else to keep you healthy, right?
Exactly.
And one of those things as this,
in my mind, is there's not a template.
There's not like this checklist
that you can go down and say,
okay, for my, for my mental well-being,
if somebody would just give me a checklist
about what's good for me,
it's so individualized.
Because our paths are individualized,
the way that we react to the world is individualized.
And so one of the first steps is
taking this moment to actually reflect
on what is it that fills me up?
What is it that gives me energy?
What is it that makes me happy?
That gives me joy?
And a lot of times we don't stop to think about that.
I love that.
You know, if you're using respite to help you,
you need to know what it is you want,
what it is you need.
I'm talking with Tim Markle from the forgiveness factor.
And before I go down too many rabbit holes, Tim,
I want to make sure the audience knows
what is the forgiveness factor
and how did you get into it?
Great. Well, forgiveness factor exists
to promote forgiveness as a way to be mentally well,
as a way to heal from some of our past traumas,
to heal from people that have heard us.
And so I go and I teach classes on forgiveness,
again, based on the work of Dr. Robert N. Wright.
I do some key notes,
but it's all around the fact
that if we can work our healing
from the pain that we have inside of us,
then we'll stop carrying it around with us
but we'll also stop spreading it.
Is that we can then make choices
about how we want to act.
One of the things that I talk about with forgiveness
is it gives me the opportunity to live up my values.
Oh, Tim, I asked you a huge question
and I gave you zero time to answer it.
So I want to come back to the forgiveness factor
and what exactly that means.
And I also really want to incorporate forgiveness
in caregiving and your mental health.
So stay with us. We'll be right back with Tim Markle
from the forgiveness factor.
You are listening to the empowered caregiver
and I am your host, Eliza Helen Brown.
Today I am talking with Tim Markle
from the forgiveness factor
about the power of forgiveness.
Tim, according to the article,
physical and mental health effects
of family caregiving,
caregiving written by Dr. Richard Schultz
and Dr. Paula Sherwood,
caregiving has all the features
of chronic stress experiences.
It creates physical and psychological strain
over extended periods of time.
It's accompanied by high levels of unpredictability
and uncontrollability.
It can create secondary stress
in multiple area life domains,
such as work, family relationships,
and frequently requires high levels of vigilance.
Caregiving fits the formula for chronic stress so well
that it is used as a model for studying
the health effects of chronic stress on the body.
So when researchers, doctors want to study chronic stress
they get themselves some caregivers
and start studying away.
Get them all into a room
and start them talking about their experiences
and you are going to learn about chronic stress.
Right, right.
And evidence on the health effects
of caregiving gathered over the last two decades
has helped convince even policymakers
that caregiving is now considered
a major public health issue.
Tim, having a son with different abilities
is there anything that you would like to add
or could you speak to it
when it comes to caregiving and chronic stress?
Oh, my goodness.
Yes, and it sort of goes back
to what we were talking about before Liza.
It's the fact that the first thing is you need to be aware
of all the areas that you're being pulled
and you're being pushed into this area
and pulled into that area.
And if you're not aware of all the pressures
that are going on and we could feel the pressures.
Right.
And we can sort of intellectually know the pressures
but if we don't take that next step
and saying, okay, I'm being pressured over here,
I'm feeling pulled over here, psychologically,
I'm not doing well here.
If we don't take the next step to say,
okay, what am I going to do about it?
How am I going to get myself back to a better place of function?
It's one thing to live with this pressure
and to live with the stress.
And then it's another thing to decide
that I'm going to do something positive about it,
that I'm going to take some steps
and not just live with it,
but I need to figure out a way to help me thrive
in the middle of this pressure,
in the middle of the chronic stress,
what am I going to do to continue to keep me functioning?
Right.
Not just go through the motions day by day by day
and continue to get pushed down and pushed down and pushed down.
And it all starts with that awareness
and to be honest with you,
that's why I threw this big pitch out there of,
hey, I want to do the empowered caregiver
because I feel like there needs to be
more awareness around the issue.
You know, you buy a pack of cigarettes,
there's this surgeon general warning on the side of the box,
there's not when it comes to caregiving
and not only is there not a lot of knowledge
widely spread out there
about some of the possible negative implications of caregiving.
Most people don't even realize
or accept that they're a caregiver, right?
They're a mom, they're a dad,
they're a brother, a sister, a daughter, a son,
so they don't even know that they're in the role.
You sort of fall into it.
Right.
You sort of, you don't understand
that there's a certain level,
everybody has stress.
Being a parent itself has some stress to it.
And then you add the added layer
of having someone with special needs or different abilities
and a world that's not designed for people
that are too far out of what society
would be considered normal.
And so then you have this loved one
who is struggling to fit in
and you're trying to help them as a parent
to fit in and you're trying to support their development
at the same time you're juggling
with all the different areas,
the medical and the school.
And sometimes you just sort of your eyes open
and you're just like, how did I get here?
How did I get into the middle of all this?
I thought I was going to have this adorable little
perfect kid and all of my dreams were going to come true
and we're going to have football players
and we're going to have soccer players
and we're going to people that were in drama.
And all of a sudden we have these kiddos
that are struggling to find themselves
and that aren't following the same timeline
that other families' kids are,
which could bring in a little bit of grief
in its own right.
And that's our experience
because we both have adult children
on the autism spectrum,
but there's many different types of caregiving
out there caring for your parents,
somebody with a chronic health condition,
veterans, those with mental health
and struggling with substance abuse,
they all require a level of care.
So I just want to say,
I just want to throw that out there
as we're trying to define caregiving
and who are caregivers.
That's part of the problem.
There's lots of different kinds,
not that it's a problem,
but there's lots of different kinds of caregiving.
But I want to go back to this article goes on to say,
recently researchers have focused
not only on providing care as a cause of distress,
but also on the caregiver's perception
of how much the patient is suffering.
I never thought about this one.
Not all illnesses entail suffering,
and some patients respond to illness
or disability with a calm and optimistic manner
while others respond with fear and hopelessness.
They recently found that two types of patient suffering
are emotional and existential,
easy for me to say,
or one's spiritual well-being.
We're significantly associated
with caregiver depression
and the use of anti-depression medications.
So what I'm getting from that is
when you are caring for someone
that is emotionally suffering
or not in a good spiritual place
then you yourself cause your own pain in suffering,
which would make perfect sense.
Makes perfect sense.
I don't like to see the people that I love in emotional pain.
What sort of doubles down on that is the fact
that there's not always something I could do about it.
If there is some physical pain,
if someone is in physical pain
or they have a physical barrier,
then maybe I can rally the medical community
or I can rally people to help them overcome that physical barrier.
But if someone is having that spiritual, emotional,
this pain that sometimes could pervade life
and can lead us down that road of hopelessness,
wow, how do I help them?
How do I feel so helpless in those situations?
And that can wear on me as a caregiver.
This is where a really big, hard question comes in.
And as I was thinking about questions,
I'm going to get them.
He's so good.
He knows how to answer everything.
So perfect.
I'm going to leave them speechless.
But my question is,
where does forgiveness come into this?
When you are caring for someone that is suffering,
which in return creates your own sadness and suffering,
does forgiveness have a place in that scenario?
Absolutely.
I think one of the areas that it comes into
is the fact that when I feel helpless
and I feel like I'm not able to really take care of someone,
then I start to feel guilty about it.
And I start to think that maybe I should have done more.
Maybe I should have made this difference
or maybe I should have made that choice or maybe.
And so we have to work on forgiving ourselves
for some of our past mistakes.
And we need to move on.
Tim, I knew it.
That was a wonderful answer.
And I swear you're the only person that I know
that I could ask a huge question,
give 30 seconds to wave my hands nonstop while you're talking.
And you still just nailed it.
So awesome.
I am talking to Tim Markle from the forgiveness factor.
When we come back, we're going to talk about the qualities
needed to be a successful caregiver
and what we do when we struggle in those areas.
You are listening to the empowered caregiver
and I am your host, Liza Helen Brand.
Today I'm talking with Tim Markle
from the forgiveness factor.
Tim's teachings are based on the work of Dr. Robert
and write the father of forgiveness research.
Since May is Mental Health Awareness Month,
I thought Tim would be a perfect guest
because I personally believe like I had stated earlier
that forgiveness can play a huge role in one's mental health.
And as we were talking about,
caregiving can really impact one's mental health.
And part of that reason is you're just so caught up in it
and you're doing it for a person that you love.
You may not even identify as your self as a caregiver.
And you know your mental health, your physical health,
your financial health, they can all be placed
on the back burner to take care of the person that you love.
So Tim, according to an article in VNS Health,
using data from the AARP, a 2020 study was done
and they came up with some of the top qualities needed
to be a successful caregiver.
Do I get to rate myself?
Is this like one of those quizzes in the magazine?
We could, we could come up with something.
We could, but what I want to do is I want to go
through some of these qualities
and just get your wisdom on them
and where you think caregivers might struggle
and where forgiveness might fit in within these qualities.
So the first one, patience.
That's like a no-brainer, right?
People who need care often take longer
to complete simple tasks.
They may ask the same questions over and over.
Good caregivers need to be patient
to deal with anything from a loved one's memory lapses
to anger and outbursts.
The practice of staying calm
and avoiding frustration is key.
Yeah, good luck with that.
Yeah, exactly.
What that makes me think about is,
what happens when I'm doing my best
and I'm trying to be patient
and have that patience,
and then I'll sudden I lose my crap.
And I just get overwhelmed and I scream
or I stomp out.
What happens after that?
You know, I need to learn to go back
and apologize for one.
Instead of just assuming that,
oh my gosh, because everything is so hard
then I get to act like a total jerk.
No, I do not get to act like a total jerk
even though life can be overwhelming.
That does not give me the right to demean
or hurt somebody else,
emotionally or physically or in any sort of way.
And so first I need to take responsibility
for my actions when I do lose my crap.
And then I have to put it into context.
What was going on?
What were the pressures that were surrounding me
when I was losing my crap?
Was there something extra going on?
Was there that extra financial pressure?
Had the pot of water just exploded on the stove?
Had the dog decided to just throw up on the...
What were all of those extra things
that were going on that led me to
not act the way that I wanted to?
That led me to act in a way that was not normal for me.
And then I take those things into consideration
and I sit there and say, okay,
can you see the reality of the pressure
that you are under Tim?
Can you give yourself a little bit of compassion?
Hold a little self-compassion for yourself
which the first one of the first steps
to forgiveness is that compassion.
Is that feeling for compassion for the other people
or that feeling of compassion for yourself?
Oh my gosh, Tim, you are so dang good.
Compassion is the next quality.
You just went right into it.
I don't even need to read the list.
Talk to me more about the compassion piece.
Well, the way that I describe it when I talk to my class
is that sometimes when people hurt us
and sometimes when life gets hard,
we make those people, we make life out
to be these horrible monsters
that are coming up from the depth.
Think of all your Godzilla movies
or your Kaiju movies.
And you have these monsters
that they have no moral compass.
They're just monsters.
Can I think about those
desperate housewives movies?
Absolutely.
Same sort of thing.
Same kind of people on this.
Rising from the depths.
But I don't want to extend compassion
toward the monsters.
They are being monsters
and I just want them to stop.
That's not who humans are though.
Humans aren't just these one-dimensional monsters
that are just running rough shot through lives.
Something has happened to them
to make them act that way.
Something has happened.
Something has gone drastically wrong
in their life for them to treat another human being that way.
So I need to go back
and I need to reaffirm who they are as a human.
Even as this person may be pulling on my last loose string possible,
they are still a human being.
They are still deserving of worth.
They have inherent worth.
When I can look at that person,
not as that Kaiju monster from Beverly Hills,
but as a human being who has been broken,
who has been hurt,
who is struggling,
just the way I am broken and hurt and struggling,
then it's to that person that I can extend compassion to.
And that makes so much sense.
One thing that I recently heard,
which was like such an aha moment
for me,
and it keeps coming up in the patience and the compassion,
is I was listening to a podcast
and he was actually a trauma expert trained at and harbor.
And he said that focusing on unity is just so much harder
than when we choose division.
And it just, you know,
putting it in the political arena of today,
it's like, wow, that's true.
He went on to say,
it's so much easier to be mad and point of finger
and blame someone for that anger,
then it is to come together
and find that unity to use that patience,
to use that compassion to get us through it.
Yeah, it's almost like we're now preconditioned
to find those differences.
And we're preconditioned to go behind our own
little walls and have the people that we agree with.
And we just talk in this echo type chamber
and we're convinced that we have all the answers.
And the reality is,
is that I don't have all the answers.
Who does?
I am talking with Tim Markle
from the forgiveness factor we're talking about
the qualities that you need to be a good caregiver
to protect your mental health.
And you've got some wonderful words of wisdom.
I don't know how to tie forgiveness
into the next quality needed to be a successful caregiver.
All I know is you and I got it.
And that's humor.
The ability to take yourself not so seriously
is such a huge part I think of caregiving.
We're going to make those mistakes.
We're going to drop things.
Things will break.
Things will get stained.
We will say the wrong thing.
Sometimes aren't the radio.
And if we don't take ourselves lightly
and if we're not able to laugh at that,
then we're just going to,
it's like adding another weight on
is putting yourself down and yet another way.
And reliving those mistakes over and over
again, rehearsing them and reminding ourselves of them
is just a way of reinforcing that inner thoughts
that we have that I'm not good enough,
that somehow I am not living up
to what is usually an impossible standard
that we set for ourselves.
And so I think humor is one of those ways
where we can keep ourselves balanced
and keep ourselves refreshed.
I think so too.
I mean humor is a huge coping mechanism for me,
for some, or some might say it may be a way
to distract to, you know, whatever.
But for me, it's what gets me through
because I know it's only a matter of time
until the next something happens.
There's always going to be something's going to happen.
That's life.
And so finding those times,
whether it's a podcast that makes you laugh,
whether it's a go-to movie,
something that lifts your spirits
is really important.
And to tie that back to forgiveness,
because it's really hard for me to forgive someone
if I myself am in this dark place,
if I am always negative,
if I feel I'm stuck in my negative emotions,
it's going to be a lot harder for me
to reach out with that compassion,
to see that compassion.
And so humor helps keep me balanced
so that I don't go down and stay stuck
in those dark places.
I like that.
I mean, a lot of life is heavy
and humor is a way to add lightness
for me to that experience.
The next quality being present.
With all of the world going on around us,
being present can be really, really hard to do.
Is there's electronic distractions?
There are people distractions.
But at the end of the day,
as I was just talking about this,
when I'm 100, my son and I,
we were just able to speak at the Autism Society
of Greater Wisconsin Conference
and we talked about negotiating adulthood.
Is what does it look like to move
from a decision maker to a supporter
and what does it from his then,
then what does it look like to move
from someone who's being supported
to the decision maker?
And one of the things that we talked about
was the fact that no matter what their PC goes through,
no matter how many struggles he has,
no matter how many jobs that he goes through,
he is always going to be there.
And so my primary job is to build
that relationship with him,
so that no matter what happens in life,
we're going to have that father-son relationship.
I will always be his dad.
He will always be my son.
He may not always be employed.
He may not always make the right decisions.
I may not always be employed.
I may not always make the right decisions.
But if I can focus on that relationship,
then we're going to be okay.
And being present is focusing on that relationship.
It's saying this is what matters.
This person in front of me with all their hopes,
with all their dreams, with all their pains,
with all their desires,
this person is what matters more than the world
that's around me trying to distract me.
And it's building that relationship
because that relationship is going to outlast
all of the therapies that's going to outlast
all of the personal cares.
It's going to outlast everything.
It's that relationship that is going to be forever.
Yeah, and being present obviously
makes for a stronger relationship.
But when your mind is somewhere else
and you're letting the stress come in
and the to-do list come in,
and it's all distracting from your care,
giving experience.
That makes perfect sense.
So, all right.
Here's the next one that trips me up big time.
Detailed oriented.
Do you think you have to be detailed oriented
to be a caregiver?
I guess.
I'm not the best detailed oriented person.
You and I are going to have to be like the next subject, please.
Yeah, I'm part of the days
I think that detailed orientation is overrated
because I tend toward the relationship.
Right.
But there are times where I can definitely see
that having a list, having a checklist,
making sure the things are done,
is for some people that could be really, really important.
And for some people, it could be very comforting.
And it gives them a sense of control.
And they feel accomplished at the end of the day.
I totally get that.
And if you're one of those people, great.
You keep your list, you keep your posted notes.
The rest of us, we will continue to fly by the seat of our pants.
Right.
And you know what?
I'm catching up to you because I will tie forgiveness
into being detailed oriented.
Go for it.
And that's where it came, it goes back to what you said earlier
about the guilt.
You know what?
I'm not detailed oriented.
I am terrible at calendars.
And all the executive functioning adult stuff
that I'm supposed to be able to do.
And you know what I do?
I beat myself up over and over and over and over over it.
And if you're like me, you then continue to define
and this isn't a bad thing.
But you continue to try different things.
And that's, that's okay.
But when those things don't work,
it doesn't mean then that you're a failure.
It doesn't mean that, you know, that I'm a failure.
It just means I found one more, I've found one more way
that doesn't work for me.
Yeah.
Okay, that's fine.
Now the truth is, is that chances are you're still succeeding
in a number of different areas of your life.
Right.
Is you're probably still doing good stuff
in other areas of your life.
There are happy people around you.
So something is going good.
Well, what do we focus on?
So in forgiveness, we also talk about,
okay, what is it that you're thinking about?
What is it that you're focusing on?
What are the stories that you're retelling yourself
in your head?
Is the story you're retelling yourself?
Oh my gosh, I have really bad executive functioning.
And I'm never going to succeed.
And I can't keep track of anything.
And so eventually, I'm going to leave the stove on
at the same time that I've decided to take up cigarette smoking
and then I'm going to leave a lighter here.
And then everything's going to explode.
And there's going to be a gasoline.
Where are our stories?
Right.
They tell ourselves, or are the stories we tell ourselves,
hey, I have succeeded in the past.
I have overcome in the past.
That means I'm going to continue to overcome in the future.
Love it.
Absolutely love it.
Speaking with Tim Marco from The Forgiveness Factor,
when we come back, we are going to talk more
about the qualities of caregiving
and what we can do in the areas that we struggle.
You are listening to The Empower Caregiver
and I am your host, Eliza Helen Brown.
Today, I am joined with Tim Marco from The Forgiveness Factor.
And Tim and I have been talking about
the qualities needed to be a successful caregiver.
And this is based off a 2020 study that was done by the AARP.
So we left off at the ability to accept help.
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness.
A good caregiver realizes that they cannot do it all alone.
They line up their friends, their family,
or professionals to step in when they need a break.
So Tim, ability to accept help and forgiveness.
How do you tie those together?
Or what are your thoughts on the ability to accept help?
Because that is a very hard one for caregivers.
Caregivers want to be the people that provide help, provide help,
provide help.
Not the ones that get help or take help or accept help.
Right.
It takes a lot of strength to say I'm overwhelmed.
Is society says push through.
Keep going.
Come on.
You got that.
You know, we all want to believe we have this inner strength
and these inner reserves.
But the truth of the matter is that we all can get trained dry.
And then we're not useful to anyone.
And so part of being able to ask for help is to sit there
and look at my lives.
Where am I not?
Where maybe could I be doing a little bit better
and dealing with my emotions and dealing with my anger
and dealing with the past stories that I tell myself
and then where can I get help to sort through all that stuff?
Is I don't know about you, but sometimes when I try to sort through
everything that's in my head, it just makes it worse
because I don't have the right perspective.
And so bringing in somebody else, a counselor, a coach, a friend
who can help us sort through the jumble of emotions
and the jumble of past stories that we tell ourselves can help us.
And you know, definitely when we're talking about us
and our emotions and our own personal health and well-being,
but sometimes asking for help can be just completely unrelated.
We're listing all of these qualities that you need to be,
quote unquote, be a successful caregiver.
Well, not everybody has all of these qualities.
So if there are areas that you struggle with, can someone help you?
We talked about our strengths and weaknesses, right?
Where can you get help on your weaknesses?
And one of the things that I think about is we live in a fantastic age
that we have options that we never used to have.
I think about the other day I wasn't feeling well.
So I was feeling really sick and my wife was super busy
and my son was super busy, but I really wanted Jello.
I really wanted to put it because that would make me feel better.
I live in the day where if I'm willing to pay for it,
Instacart will deliver anything they want.
So where are those areas that technology where maybe you don't have to go out
and do something that it can come to you?
A lot of pharmacies will deliver.
And so taking advantage of the technology,
taking advantage of the world we live in to help support ourselves
to maybe take one thing off our plate.
That way I didn't have to go to a grocery store.
Nobody had to go to a grocery store for me.
That makes sense.
And I think it would be a good use of time for people to kind of think about those areas
because sometimes in caregiving you do, you just do do do
and you don't stop to think.
Can anybody else be doing doing doing this for me?
We just stuck in our routines.
It's where very routine oriented because it's a lot quicker
to do the same thing that I usually do.
It's much quicker.
Makes total sense.
I'm speaking with Tim Markle from the forgiveness factor.
We're talking about some of the qualities of caregivers.
So there's two left.
If we can hit on these, the next one is being cooperative.
A good caregiver is part of a care team that includes doctors, families, and friends.
Being understanding and flexible goes a long way towards being a successful team player.
That's your take.
Oh my goodness.
Okay.
So my take may not be right along the lines of the AARP and the article.
Yes.
I would agree with all that.
But being a team player, being on a functional team, I can only do so much.
Right.
If people don't want to play in the sandbox with me, I can't make them.
Amen.
So one of the things that I've learned along the way is I may not find everything I'm looking for in a caregiver.
I may not find everything I'm looking for in a therapist or in a home health worker.
But if I can find someone who at least will treat me with respect and is willing to learn and is willing to listen to me,
I will take them on my team more than I will that person who may have more experience, may have more knowledge,
maybe the best in their craft, but they don't want to listen to me.
Right.
I don't want them on my team.
The way that I put it is sometimes we can't find that unicorn that we're looking for for our kids, for our family members.
But if I could just find an interested horse.
Sure.
Then I'm happy.
Give me a horse that wants to learn.
And then I will stop searching for that unicorn.
I like that.
And I had a thought I kind of lost it that cooperation is more about I guess that finding that that common ground.
But what can we come together on?
What can we make work?
It doesn't always have to be that big team player attitude.
Exactly.
What is my role to help move things forward?
And who else can help things move forward and what's their role?
What can they do that I can't?
And how can I tap into that?
Makes perfect sense.
Okay.
Last question.
Few minutes.
Here we go.
I'm not sure off the bat I can tie forgiveness into this one.
But last characteristic of a good caregiver being assertive.
Good caregivers advocate for their loved ones.
They ask questions and expect answers.
Good caregivers learn about their loved ones conditions.
And they make sure their loved ones get the care that they need.
How do you insert forgiveness into that being assertive?
Oh my gosh.
Right in the area when we talk about forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not becoming a doormat.
Forgiveness is not something they're going, oh, well, you know, you hurt me and you've been hurt.
So I guess it's okay.
It's not okay.
It's not okay to be hurt.
It's not okay to have our loved ones mistreated or to not receive the care that they deserve.
Forgiveness goes along with boundaries.
As we can set those boundaries in our life, even as we are forgiving people that hurt us,
is we do not have to allow ourselves to be continually hurt.
Is forgiveness is not an open door to pain.
It can set boundaries and say, you know what, right now you are not a safe person for me.
And so I'm going to set this boundary up and I'm going to spend limited time with you.
And sometimes we need to do that with different people in our lives, even as we're caregiving.
Not everybody gets our family members.
And so to continually expose ourselves and expose our family members to people that treat them
in a negative or an understanding way is not healthy.
And so even as we go about forgiving, even as we go about having compassion,
we can also set limits and we can also set boundaries in our lives.
I love that.
Forgiveness is not throwing boundaries out the window.
Absolutely not.
Thank you so much for being here with me today.
Tam, I wish we could talk weekly.
There's so much to cover and you're an excellent speaker and you nail it every single time.
Thank you.
Yes, thank you.
