This is the Empowered Caregiver Show.
If you are a caregiver or know someone who is,
this show is meant to uplift you through education and support,
while also lifting up every caregiver's invaluable role in society.
Now, here is the Empowered Caregiver and your host,
Liza Helen Brand.
You are listening to the Empowered Caregiver,
and I am your host, Liza Helen Brand.
Today, I will be talking with Tim Markle of the Forgiveness Factors.
Tim's teachings are based on the work of Dr. Robert
and Wright, the father of forgiveness research.
Forgiveness means different things to different people,
but in general, it involves the intentional decision
to let go of resentment and anger.
Excuse me, anger.
Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself
and helps you go on with life.
So you may be asking, why would I want to talk about forgiveness
and a show that is meant to support, educate, advocate,
and celebrate family caregivers?
And my answer to that question is that for many,
caregiving is an emotional journey.
Whether you're caring for aging parents, a disabled child,
or a loved one that's fallen ill,
in addition to figuring out and managing the care for that person,
you also have to figure out and manage a wide range of emotions
that comes along with caregiving.
And I see forgiveness as a tool and the caregiver's toolbox.
For me personally, my caregiving role had kind of opened
a Pandora's box of mental health challenges
from childhood trauma to trying to care for another human being
while wrestling the obstacles of having ADHD myself.
And so I hope that not everyone's struggle was like mine,
but regardless, I don't think that you can go through
the caregiving experience without feeling this wide range of emotions,
feelings like guilt, frustration, anger,
the word that I can now say,
and hopelessness are all emotions that creep into our caregiving journey.
And the fact that we even feel these can lead to shame.
So now, not only are we stuck in these not-so-desirable emotions,
we also feel ashamed of ourselves for even having them.
In my opinion, I feel like we can't work through these emotions
without some level of forgiveness for ourselves and others.
So I absolutely cannot wait to talk to Tim Markle
from the forgiveness factor about how forgiveness
can empower caregivers on their caregiving journey.
Welcome, Tim, and thank you so much for joining me tonight.
I am so excited to be here.
I said that was a beautiful setup.
And I cannot agree with you more as a caregiver myself.
The journey has been one that has been surprising at times,
has been angry producing at times,
and has been wonderful at times.
And just forgiveness is one of those ways that I've learned
to, like you were saying, deal with the past as well as what's going on today
so that I can live better in the future.
I love that.
And you know, Tim, I sent you a long list of forgiveness scenarios,
such as how do you forgive someone who hasn't or won't say that they're sorry?
What do you do when someone has apologized?
But you are struggling to forgive them.
Some of the other ones, how do you forgive someone who's no longer with us?
And what do you do when you are seeking forgiveness
from someone who is not willing to forgive you?
And then, of course, the caregiving example above.
How do we forgive sometimes ourselves?
So I cannot wait to hear your answers to these questions.
But first, can you tell me a little bit about what the forgiveness factor is?
So many, many years ago, starting around 2014,
is I was finishing up a master's program.
And I was given the choice of, do you want to write a paper?
Do you research and write paper?
And I'm like, oh, that sounds really boring.
That's just not me.
So what happens to this awesome paper that I write in there?
Well, it usually gets bound and we'll put it on a shelf.
I'm like, that does not sound good.
Is there any other options?
And they're like, well, you could do what's called a capstone project.
So I was working through my own journey of forgiveness with my dad.
And trying to figure out, is this forgiving real outside of the faith background
that I was a part of?
Is there any scientific evidence to forgiveness?
Are there ways to learn how to forgive?
Can we learn how to forgive?
Because a lot of people I've talked to are just like me.
They grew up knowing that forgiveness is good.
And people tell you, you should forgive.
And sometimes you feel guilty if you don't forgive.
And you really want to, but nobody ever sat down and taught me how.
Are there steps? Are there ways?
Are there things that I could think about?
Are there ways that I can change about the way that I'm looking at the world?
The way that I look at myself that could lead me to forgiveness?
And so I looked at my faith background.
And I looked at the scientific evidence for forgiveness.
And I wanted to see where those two overlapped.
And that's when I put together the first curriculum of freedom through forgiveness.
And I presented it to a small group of church friends that I knew.
And then someone at Stoughton Hospital heard about it.
And someone over there heard about it.
And someone at this conference heard about it.
And I started to see that there was this real hunger for forgiveness,
for learning how to forgive, for dealing with the stuff that we have inside of us,
not just ignoring it, and not just pretending it's not there,
but honestly dealing with it.
And so out of that is we came up with forgiveness factor.
Forgiveness factor is this vehicle, this vessel that you will that I use to
talk about forgiveness and mental health.
I talk about how to forgive and what I'm seeing as an unforgiving world.
I have been fortunate enough to go to conferences in Wisconsin
in Oklahoma City, where just in Chicago this last year.
And I do this with the support of Dr. Unright and the International Forgiveness Institute.
And the way that I like to talk about it is Dr. Unright and the International Forgiveness Institute.
They're over in Israel.
They're over in in Ireland.
They're at these hot spots where there are just long standing
ascension and long standing anger.
And they are working on trying to raise up children in schools to learn how to forgive.
I'm fortunate enough that I get to do that in Wisconsin.
And I get to do that in the places that I get invited to.
But it's all about coming to that point of saying,
what I am doing with my anger, with my resentments,
the way I'm dealing with it with life isn't working anymore.
Is it frustrating me?
It's hurting me.
It's hurting my family.
I'm continuing down a road that I don't want to go down.
But no one has showed me how to change my direction.
So I really see forgiveness as one of those things where people sit there and say,
you know, I've tried all these things.
And it's not working.
Maybe forgiveness is something I can try.
I love that and I'm thinking it's kind of sad that for some,
you know, me included, sometimes forgiveness is your last ditch effort.
It should be your first, right?
Well, if we and you got to think though,
when have you been taught about forgiveness?
How much forgiveness do you see in the world?
How many, how much of the day do you hear stories about people forgiving each other
and how to forgive each other?
And being taught about the inherent worth of each other
and that we can forgive that person because they're a person.
I think where we have a lot of messages that really contradict that.
So it's really hard to get to that point of forgiveness instead of being stuck with revenge.
I'm curious.
What is your definition of forgiveness or what does forgiveness mean to you?
Sure.
So I am going to use the definition that I use when I teach with doctrine, right?
And what he says is that forgiveness when we forgive,
we willingly and deliberately offer goodness to those who have been unfair to us.
So the bad news is it starts with pain.
It starts with unfairness is when we've been unfairly hurt.
We react.
It's very natural.
Everybody does it.
Sometimes we react in ways that result in anger or result in resentments growing up.
And so when we look at forgiveness, we say, okay, I've been unhurt.
I've reacted to this hurt.
And it's not necessarily in a healthy way.
So I am going to make a decision that I am going to forgive someone.
I am going to look at what happened.
And instead of returning anger and returning hurt for that initial hurt,
I'm going to try to get to the point where I can offer them goodness.
And in doing that, we change the way that we interact with them.
We change the way we interact with the world.
We feel this weight that's lifted off of us because we're no longer dragging along all this pain and all this anger.
That we've built up over the years.
Well, you know, speaking of that pain and anger,
I feel like that is something that can become hardwired in you.
So to make the conscious choice to forgive is going to take some effort.
And I would assume it's not one and done.
Right?
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Absolutely correct.
And it does.
It does get hardwired into us.
And then it gets reinforced by the messages of the world around us.
And sometimes it gets reinforced by our own families.
You know, everybody agrees with us that aunt, whoever is, you know,
that person that you don't invite to Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner.
People may not ever remember why.
But you just know that that aunt isn't, isn't that they did something.
And we pass on that anger from generation generation.
And so it can get built in.
And so it takes a very deliberate effort to dig it out and to consciously change the way that we're reacting.
You're listening to the empowered caregiver and I'm your host, Liza Helen Brandt.
Today, I'm talking with Tim Markle from the forgiveness factor.
Tim has helping me understand the importance of forgiving in the caregivers journey.
When we come back, I'm going to ask Tim about how we deal with some of the challenging forgiveness scenarios.
Like how to forgive someone who has no intentions of apologizing.
And how to forgive someone when you really, really do not want to.
And lastly, how forgiving yourself is essential to caregiving.
You are listening to the empowered caregiver and I am your host, Liza Helen Brandt.
Today, I am talking with Tim Markle from the forgiveness factor.
You are listening to the empowered caregiver and I am your host, Liza Helen Brandt.
Today, I am talking with Tim Markle from the forgiveness factor about the power behind forgiveness.
Tim, Fred Rogers, as in the beloved Mr. Rogers, once said, forgiveness is a strange thing.
It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends.
It can be hardest of all to forgive people we love.
Tim, growing up Mr. Rogers was, I swear one of the most logical voices of reason that I had in my life.
So please don't tell me that he's wrong on this.
Can you speak to that quote?
It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends.
It can be hardest of all to forgive people we love.
Absolutely, as with most things, Mr. Rogers had it absolutely correct.
And I will tell you, you know, personal story is I am one of the fortunate people that one I graduated with my bachelor's in psychology from Bowling Green State University.
One of our commencement speakers was Fred Rogers.
Shut the front door.
So he comes out, he goes up to the stage and everybody in the stadium, because it was an outdoor thing, start singing, will you be my neighbor?
It was one of the best experiences he gave one of the best key notes.
He seemed to be as real and honest and loving as he came across our TV when I was growing up.
It was one of my best experiences.
Lucky you, lucky you.
Well, how did he get this one right?
Well, he got this one exactly right because of the fact that when we get hurt, we we build up some defenses against the people that have hurt us and that's really natural.
And if the people that.
If we had the expectations that they were going to care for us, that we believed that they were going to have our best interests at heart.
And then it turns out they didn't that they neglected us, they abused us, they let us down.
Then that's a much deeper hurt than someone who just cuts us off on the highway.
Then a stranger who says an insensitive comment, we don't have these these expectations of caring and these expectations of safety with strangers, then we do as we do with our family and with our friends.
And so it's like that wound is it's it's a very different kind of wound when you when you are expecting safety and your hurt.
In enemy scenarios here, you know, you you kind of are expecting that they don't have your best interests at heart, but you want your family to be on your side.
It really hurts when it turns out somebody's not on your side and they don't have your best interest.
And that in that has to add another layer of difficulty because you're right, there are unfortunate situations in this world where the people we love intentionally hurt us.
And there are many situations I feel in this world where the people that we love unintentionally hurt us.
Absolutely. And that's and that comes back to the whole whole job of being a caregiver is that we have this job of watching out and protecting someone that needs our support.
And gosh, it's so much easier to do that when the other people around us, our family, our friends are supporting us.
It's a lot harder to do that when it feels like they're attacking or they're not understanding or they're making it more difficult or they're constantly asking, well, why'd you do that?
Well, if you only did this and offering these these suggestions that may come from a place of care and concern.
But they're hitting more like like punches than hugs.
And so sometimes it doesn't matter that the heart may be there.
But if they're still being unreasonable, if they're still not listening, if they're still not understanding, if they're still not giving the person that we're caring about, the benefit of the doubt and giving us the support and the emotional help that we need, it hurts.
Yeah, and it can come at you at a different, a lot of different angles. I mean, I think you had touched on the care.
The person that you're caring for themselves can be nasty to you and hurtful and that leaves to a whole range of emotions when all you're doing is trying to to care for them.
And then you have other family and friends that are that are weighing in as well and their intentions might not.
Their intentions may be good, but like you said, it comes as a punch, not a, not a hug.
So thank you for addressing that. And you know, as I was preparing for this interview, I was trying to think of some of the most challenging forgiveness scenarios just to see how well you knew your stuff.
Oh, thanks. I love pop quizzes.
So what, so one of those is, how do you forgive someone when you really don't want to?
That comes back to forgiveness being a choice.
If you are dealing with someone who has hurt you in a way that it's not affecting your life in a negative way, that you are continuing to live out your values, whatever they may be, most people I know will have values of loving and mercy and
they don't want to be judgmental. And so if you're able to live those values out, and you just have decided you're not going to deal with this person, and that's working for you, then cool, go for it.
So what I see is that, that, that negativity against that one person leaks into the rest of our lives, and we start to fill up with that negativity and with that anger against them.
And then we spill it out on the people that around us, that the phrase that I use this word just really leaky, we leak what's inside of us.
And so if we are filling ourselves with anger and with resentment, it's not just going to be directed at that person that hurt us all of a sudden we wake up, we find ourselves to be angry people that were resentful person that we're looking at the world in a negative way.
And when we sit there and say that's not my value, that's not what I want to do, then we need to find a way to return to our values.
And one of the ways to do that is through working on forgiving that person so that you're no longer filling up with the resentment and the anger.
So it's a choice. I'm not going to say you have to forgive. I can't make you forgive.
If I look at your life and I see the pain and the emotional problems that may be there, I may offer it as a way to deal with that, as a way to heal from it so that everything else in life can become better as well.
But it's going to be your choice. You've got to you got to choose it.
I love that. And I had another scenario that I wanted to throw at you, but we will have to wait until after the break.
I'm Liza Helen brand and you're listening to the empowered caregiver. Today I'm talking with Tim Markle from the forgiveness factor.
Tim is helping me understand the importance of forgiveness in one's caregiving journey.
When we come back, I'm going to ask Tim how we deal with some of the most challenging forgiveness scenarios, like forgiving someone who is no longer with us, what to do when somebody's not willing to forgive you.
And lastly, how forgiving yourself is essential in your caregiving journey.
You are listening to the empowered caregiver and I am your host, Liza Helen brand. Today I'm talking with Tim Markle from the forgiveness factor.
For many, caregiving is an emotional journey, whether you're caring for aging parents, a disabled child, or a loved one who has fallen ill.
In addition to figuring out and managing their care for that person, you also need to figure out and manage a wide range of emotions.
I mentioned earlier that I see forgiveness as a tool in the caregiver's toolbox. However, forgiving someone or even forgiving yourself is not always as easy as it sounds.
Tim, in preparing for this interview, I tried to think of some of the more challenging forgiveness scenarios.
And my next one for you is, how do you forgive someone who hasn't or won't say sorry? In fact, they may blame you for whatever happened.
Liza, I love, love, love that question because to me it comes down the picture that I have is where there's this person that has hurt me maybe yesterday, maybe a week ago, maybe 20 years ago.
And I'm still being hurt by that whenever I think about them, whenever I remember something about them, it's like I'm carrying them along with me through my journey.
And they're like writing free in my head, they're writing free are my back. And they may not even know that they did anything wrong. They may not care that this is burdening me, that it's really damaging my life.
They may not know they may not care, but they have all that power that memory has that power over me.
So if I am going to it just doesn't make sense for me to go through life going, you know what, I am not going to forgive this person until they acknowledge that they are wrong until they acknowledge they hurt me until they're really
maybe even until they they beg for that forgiveness.
Well, so what's there incentive to do that? Well, they don't have any incentive to do that, but I have a lot of incentive to forgive.
I have a lot of reasons to try to put that behind me, try to heal from that, try to change the way that I'm interacting with them, change the way I'm interacting with the memory of them, change the thoughts that are inside my head, because I want to be free from this burden.
The other thing is I also want to live up to my values is that person could be a horrible mean nasty uncarrying person and maybe my desire for revenge is turning me into an uncarrying angry person.
And that's not who I want to be. And so as much as forgiveness is a gift that I'm giving this gift of goodness, I'm returning good for evil.
When someone does evil, I'm going to return try to return good for it as much as that's a gift I'm giving, it's also a gift I'm receiving because I get to break that chain, break that connection and take back power and say, I am going to treat you the way I think human being should be treated.
I am going to respond to life in a life of firming way instead of a negative way, I am going to live in this moment and not they tied to the past.
And so when we look at forgiveness, it's not what the other person is doing or has done, it's what am I going to do with what has already happened and I take that back that power.
I love that that it's a gift to yourself and I think you answered honestly my next question, but I want to see if there's anything that you want to add to that.
And that is how do you forgive someone that's no longer with us.
And so that's that's a big one because sometimes we think, you know, if you're like me, you grew up with this scenario, you're taught that forgiveness was someone did something wrong, they came to you, they said, I'm sorry.
Your response was, I forgive you and then you continued on like nothing ever happened, that's the way I grew up with it.
And it's that's just not true, that's not forgiveness, because we get stuck with them, what do we do if the person's never says, I'm sorry, or if that person is no longer around us or is no longer with us, how can we extend forgiveness to them.
But some of the cores of forgiveness are include looking at the pain that it caused us, what was that hurt, what what what happened, was it unjust, how did it change us, how did it affect us, how much of my pain is because of that incident, how have I been dealing with it, have I been avoiding it, have I been drinking, have I been eating, have I, how am I dealing with these negative emotions inside.
Do I want to forgive this person, do I want to make that change, and then we look at who is that person, what does it mean to be a person, I think of Dr. Seuss and Horton, here's a who, a person's a person, no matter how small.
Well, what's our definition of a person is from from the moment I believe that from the moment someone is born, that they have worth, that they have possibility, that they have have worth, they deserve respect, and that nobody gets to take that away from them, just like I believe that I am born with inherent worth and no one is allowed to call me worthless.
No one is allowed to call me useless, I was born with use, I was born with gifts, I was born with passions, I was born with worth, everybody is.
If we can change the way that we think about this person that hurt us from their horrible, their subhuman, their a monster, they don't deserve to live, if we can change the way we think about them to, they are failed, they are a failed human, they've made mistakes like I make mistakes, they have been wounded, they will never be perfect, I will never be perfect.
If we can begin to see them as the flawed human, that each of us are, then we can see them as yes, they're flawed, but yes, they also have inherent worth, and that's sometimes the biggest obstacle to get over, because we spent, I have spent years telling myself and telling other people around me who would listen, how horrible this person is, and that is, it's true too, with people that I don't know.
What are the stories that we tell about those people that have passed on, what are the memories that we keep alive, can we change those narratives, can we, can we tell a fuller story, a bigger story about who this person is, so they're not reduced to just that, that space in time when they hurt us, because that also reflects on us, can we do the same thing for ourselves?
Can we see that we are more than just that mistake that we made 30 years ago, five years ago, can we see ourselves as having worth no matter what, that no one gets to take that away, and it's that concept of inherent worth that leads us to be able to forgive people that don't want anything to do with us, to forgive people that maybe we can't see, to forgive people that have passed on,
to forgive people that are in our lives daily, and still maybe not acting like great people, still maybe not on our side, but can I continue to live my value of they have inherent worth just because they're human.
So live my value, so that's something that that perhaps if you're struggling with forgiveness, you need to take some time and reflect on, you know, what are my values, and how is this situation rubbing against them, because, you know, in my ADHD mind, I had a bazillion thoughts going through my head, of course, and I'm trying to wrangle them all in.
And, you know, one is there are people in my life that I don't think that they're a terrible person, I would think of lots of positive things that I could say about them, and I want peace and happiness, and I want to be content in my life.
But I got the stubbornness, this this no can do, and I'm reflecting on it like what the heck, why am I so stuck, and if you're so stuck, but you don't want to be stuck, what's the first step to getting unstuck, that that also sounds like a Dr. Sus book, doesn't it?
It does, it sounds like they make a great Dr. Sus book, and that and that is you've hit on one of the things that we talk about is the sense of we get we get stuck in the way that we react to people, we get stuck in the way that something hits our brain, a smell or a sound, and we are like transported to this place of hurt in this place of pain.
And so one of the first things we do is we try to figure out what is the situation that we're stuck in, and people are just like, well, then you just go, you want to reset and go back, I'm like, I don't know how to reset, I don't know how to get from 0.5 back to zero, but maybe if I can look at when I'm stuck, okay, was there something that happened right before.
So instead of going back to zero, can I go back to where I was at 4, can I rewind that much, and then maybe next time I can become more aware when I'm at 4, before I get to 5, before I get to that stuck place, maybe I can see that I'm heading there.
Is that a lot of times for me, I've just found myself there, and so I've had to walk backwards to find out what was it like when I was unstuck, and what was that first indication that I'm heading to stuck them, if you prefer, or stuck them, that I'm heading to stuck them.
And then so I can only start where I'm at, which is usually in stuck them, and so then I have to work my way back.
And becoming aware of when I'm starting to go to stuck them.
The other thing that I think about is the fact that forgiveness can go along with boundaries, forgiveness does not say that we allow everybody to come into our life to hurt us, so we've come door mats.
No, forgiveness is strength, forgiveness is setting those boundaries saying, I understand that you have hurt me, I'm not going to hate you because of that, because that's not my value.
I'm going to love you because you have worth, but I'm not going to let you in to hurt me again. I'm not going to allow you to abuse me.
I'm not going to allow you to put me down. That's not going to happen. I will set boundaries in my life so that I and my family around me can be safe is boundaries and forgiveness go together.
Well, that's that's an excellent point. You know, I am thinking focusing so narrowly on what what forgiveness is.
Maybe I need to be a little more clear about what forgiveness isn't. And you said forgiveness isn't allowing yourself to be a door mat.
It still requires boundaries. Is there anything else that forgiveness isn't that I'm not aware of?
Well, it goes back to forgiveness is not that formula of they say, I'm sorry, I say I forgive you forgiveness is also there's no magic words.
There's no magic formula. I've looked through Harry Potter. I cannot find the formula for or the magic spell for forgiveness. It takes work and it takes effort.
And so it's not the other thing that I guess forgiveness for me is not it's not easy is I'm surrounded by a world that that wants that that wants to teach me to have revenge and to hold on to my anger and to get even and if someone disrespects me that I'm allowed to lash out at them.
And so I not only have to be careful what's going on inside, but I also have to be careful what I'm listening to on the outside and what I'm taking inside myself.
And so for forgiveness is it's not just deciding that oh, I'm going to act differently. It's changing the way that I think the way that I react what I'm looking for so that I can be changed.
It's hard. It's not easy, but it's worth it. It sounds it does sound hard and it sounds like it takes work and commitment and I absolutely agree with you that that it has to be worth it.
So with the New Year just around the corner, many people are starting to think about their New Year's resolutions, New Year's resolutions typically are goals that are meant to enhance your overall well being in some type of way.
So when we come back, I want to talk more about adding forgiveness to your goals of 2024 and I will be asking Tim what that means and what that looks like as well as the benefits that forgiveness has on your overall health and well being.
You are listening to the empowered caregiver and I am your host Eliza Helen Brann. I am joined here today with Tim Markle from the Forgiveness
factor. Tim, I have so many more questions for you and not enough time. So we're going to do speed round.
I have a scenario for you. So my situation is I have a son with autism. It doesn't make sense for me to say I forgive my son for having autism and turning my world upside down.
You know, others might be caring for parents who quite frankly they don't get along with or a spouse that was diagnosed with the illness that's going to require all hands on deck.
Does forgiveness fit into any of these situations?
Absolutely and and you're absolutely right. I too have a son with autism and it has turned my life upside down and I don't go to forgive him for for being autism, but I do forgive him. When do I forgive him?
When he does something that hurts me is I remember who he is. I remember that he has worth and then I act lovingly toward him.
Now, do I do that 100% of the time? No, because I also make mistakes. I also have bad days and that's the other thing is when I, even though I'm here trying to be this forgiving person, I still need to get enough rest.
I still need to eat right. I still need to keep myself healthy and other ways and to keep my life balanced because it's when I'm living in that life that I'm more likely to forgive.
That I'm more likely to have the energy to forgive, whereas if I'm living in this chaos and surrounded by negativity and not taking care of myself and I don't have the energy and my take not full, then I'm going to begin to react again.
Well, we usually react the way that the person acted toward us in the first place. That's we're reacting to what they acted.
Yeah, got it. That makes sense. They give us negativity. We react with the negativity. Yes. And you're absolutely right. You got to put your oxygen mask on yourself first and take care of yourself.
I know at the beginning of the show, I said that caregivers sometimes struggle with feelings like guilt, frustration, anger, hopelessness, all these emotions that can creep into our caregiving journey.
And the fact that we even feel these can lead to shame. So now, not only are we stuck in these not so desirable emotions, we feel ashamed for even feeling them. Can you speak to how forgiveness can play into this?
Yeah, let's talk about forgiving yourself. Let's talk about the fact that we live in this world where everybody seems to be on social media. We have pictures. We just got picture, but we just got postcards from all these loving, beautiful families across the world. And I'm like, no, not mine.
It's really wonderful. And social media has these really great stories out there. But we have to remember that other people are putting forth what I like to call their highlight reels.
And we don't get to see their blooper reels. And sometimes when we look at other people's highlight reels, our blooper reels come on into our heads. So we need to number one. Remember, other people have blooper reels. Nobody out there is perfect.
Whoever the person is that you honor the most that you respect the most in this world. Guess what? They make mistakes. They too are imperfect. And remember that you have a highlight reel. You have not gotten to today by screwing everything up. You may tell yourself that.
But it's not true. You have had successes. You have had times of strength. You have shown resilience. And so part of forgiving ourselves is reminding ourselves about those times of resilience, about those times where we have overcome where we have not fallen into that negativity where we've gotten unstuck.
You remind us that we can get unstuck again. And some of that is listening to the words we tell ourselves. Our self messages. We've got to be really careful that we're not our own worst enemy.
I think you went right to my next question for you. So over the past few years, I've been exploring the work of Kristen Nath. I'm not sure if you're familiar. She is a guru in self compassion.
And self compassion is a term that I think I went through most of my adult life, not even knowing it existed. In fact, I think I operated 100% in whatever the opposite world of self compassion is or was.
Can you talk to me about how forgiveness and self compassion go hand in hand?
I'm not even going to say they're two sides on the same coin. They are the same coin is when we have self compassion. When we look at our past, not as the view of oh, I'm a failure. I can't get better. I've done everything wrong.
But when we look at our past from the point of view is I'm human. I'm going to make mistakes. I've made mistakes. Everybody's made mistakes. But that doesn't define my sense of worth that is not who I am at my core.
And I'm somebody worthy of respect. I am someone who has goals. I am someone who has gifts. I am more than my mistakes. And I have something I can give the world. And so when we work on forgiving ourselves as we are learning to have that self compassion.
You know, and I mentioned before we went into the break going into the break that the new years is around the corner. A lot of people use this as a time to create goals to enhance their overall well being.
If I wanted to make 2024 the year that I become a more forgiving person towards not only myself, but what but others, excuse me, what would that look like as a goal? How do I do that?
Well, we'll start really simple. Number one, I would greatly recommend going to international forgiveness institutes website. They have a lot of in-depth stuff and stories about forgiveness. But if you're looking for a tangible goal that at the end of the year, you want to be more able to forgive or the possibility that you're going to be able to forgive or even consider forgiveness.
I believe one of the things that you do is Dr. N. Wright calls it do no harm is what if we set out in 2024 to just stop being negative to stop hurting people to stop talking negatively about people if we would stop harming people.
And that includes with our mouths with our actions and with our minds. If we can start to lessen the negativity in our life than we build space for positivity, we build space for forgiveness is we change the way that we're interacting with the world and the people around us.
So let's stop the negativity in 2024.
Baby steps Tim, I can do it. It's going to be it's going to be baby steps. Thank you so much for joining me tonight. I could talk to you forever, but I want to make sure I get out there how people can find you and what they can do if they want to learn more.
Absolutely. So they can connect with me at forgivenessfactor.org. You can sign up for forgiveness boost there. You can find out where I'm speaking next where I do regular broadcast all sorts of information available on forgivenessfactor.org.
Wonderful. Thank you so much for your time tonight. I truly appreciate it and you made me a better person. Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
