Best Hit and Run Headlines of the Week!

The Justice Department released a redacted version of Gizlain's... Gizlain Maxwell's... Come on, Waters!

Gizlain Maxwell's interview transcripts.

And now Washington is totally out of black sharpies.

The U.S.

government now owns a 10% stake in computer chip maker Intel.

Hopefully the government is better with Intel than it is with Intel.

You

know what I mean?

A study found that coffee drinkers are happier.

The study has a margin of error of plus or minus AA meetings.

Hooters no longer wants waitresses to wear skimpy shorts.

Even the new CEO of Cracker Barrel was like, hey, way to ruin a brand.

Benda's brothers were denied parole.

Well, too bad they were looking forward to not spending the holidays with their parents, so sorry kids.

California's cereal butt sniffer, that's right, cereal butt sniffer was arrested again at a Walgreens, no less.

Has anyone considered taking him to a dog park where he'd fit more Ryan with the crown?

Netflix users spent almost three billion minutes watching the premiere of Happy Gilmore 2 and without laughing.

Unlike the fake studio audience, thank you, fake studio audience.

A man tried to break into Beverly Hills home of Lionel Richie.

Cops finally arrested the suspect after searching all night long.

That was good, wasn't it?

Pete Davidson is worried about his finances.

His bank account is so empty, he mistook it for one of his comedy shows.

After a stray bullet shattered his office window last year, Kansas City Chiefs Coach Andy Reed installed bulletproof glass.

He also put on enough weight to make his entire body bulletproof.

So good to go.

He's good to go.

Time for me to buck in ears.

Shiloh Sanders was ejected for throwing a punch.

And Philadelphia Eagles player was ejected by the team for not throwing a punch.

That's right.

That's right.

Today is National Dog Day.

I know, I know.

You love your doggies, don't you?

Don't you fake studio audience?

See?

Yeah, of course you do.

Why not treat Fido now to a romantic dinner with his longtime love, your leg?

You'll

enjoy that.

Today is Women's Equality Day, and what better way to show women how much they mean to us than make them share their special day with National Dog Day and National Toilet Paper Day.

And I say that later.

because I have more respect for you, and I don't think you should share a day with those two things.

You're better than dogs in toilet paper.

All right.

Waymo.

Waymo has gotten approval to test self-driving vehicles in New York City, which means there's about to be Waymo crashes under car.

Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte returns today.

I know that's what I'm thinking.

I'm gasping as well.

But yeah, pumpkin spice latte.

Ask for it by name while they misspell yours.

Because

that's what they do.

Michigan's tourism board has created body sprays that capture various smells of the state in an effort to lure vacationers.

Obviously, New Jersey wants to be left to hell alone.

The world's oldest person turned 116 in England.

Now, unfortunately, her birthday wish didn't come true because she's still alive.

There's a British Air flight attendant was found naked and on drugs in the airplane lavatory.

He joined the mile really high club.

You hear about this Florida woman?

Oh boy, this is Florida right here.

You want to hear about the poster woman for Florida?

Got drunk, put on a hot dog costume, and tee-peed her neighbor's car.

Now apparently she was sick of Florida man getting all the attention.

Paramount is preparing to cut as many as 3,000 jobs by early November.

They will then change the name of their streaming service to Paramount Minus.

Guess who's engaged?

That's right, the popular girl and the jock.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey, they're engaged.

Taylor is beyond excited, and after all those breakup albums, she finally gets to write a divorce album.

Congratulations.

Of course, that's still gonna be coming up here.

It's not like right now.

And after Travis proposed, Taylor said that magic word, yes, followed by that other magic word,

And Taylor, by the way, can finally stop pretending she likes football.

That's what happens when you get married.

You know, the stuff you're all about, she's all about when you're dating and vice versa.

But then once you get married, it's like, okay, enough.

You go do your thing.

I'm gonna go do my thing.

We'll meet you at home later.

You know, it's gonna be like that, I'm sure.

Apple TV Plus raised its monthly fee by 30%.

It's still worth it, though, for that one show you watched the first season of, maybe, you

think.

That's the kind of channel they are.

Nicholas Cage may star in the next season of True Detective.

And the mystery he solves, I've already got a little update on this, the mystery he solves will be what is going on with his hair.

Nicholas Cage.

High winds destroyed Burning Man's orgy dome.

And by the way, if this affects your vacation plans, it probably burns when you pee.

I hate to say it, I didn't deliver the news to you.

IHOP waitress in Florida was charged with groping a customer.

IHOP, come hungry, leave horny, or the opposite.

Hostess issued a recall for, get this, moldy ding-dongs.

That's right.

And I hope you're listening, ding-dong, moldy ding-dongs.

It's also the name of Chippendales' least popular review show, moldy ding-dongs.

A new study shows people who spend time near the ocean live longer.

Probably because they're able to coast through life.

Coast!

Coast, I say.

All right.

Cracker Barrel is going back to its old logo after a public backlash.

See, kids?

Canceled culture works, doesn't it?

The

latest exercise trend is running on all fours like an animal.

Like Americans would ever do something like that.

You know, exercise.

63, 63% of people believe in fate.

The economy is so bad that not even free will is free anymore.

Travis Kelsey designed Taylor Swift's engagement ring, and for all his hard work, she rewarded him with a lollipop.

A night writer movie is in the works.

The original featured David Hasselhoff as Michael Knight, you may remember, and a pine forest as his chest hair.

So they're saying only 54% of Americans say they drink alcohol and some people are worried it'll have an effect on country music.

I'm not even kidding you on that.

You know, believe me, check out the hot new country banger.

I love this dispensary.

Yeah, you don't get alcohol or dispensary just by the way.

And finally, a customer set fire to a cafe.

Why?

Because they ran out of mayo.

You know, here's what I'm thinking.

I'll bet it was at the Mayo Clinic.

Most places will also have Miracle Whip as kind of a backup, right?

So no problem.

But as you may remember, last time I was at Mayo, I was on a quest for Miracle Whip and found none.

Of course, the Mayo, they only had Mayo.

So if you have no egg-heavy, heavy sandwich spread, the only choice you have is to set fire to the cafe,

right?

Business knew the risk.

So according to a survey, 26% of men under 45 bet on sports online.

Damn, I had my money on 28%.

So I lost money on that, I guess.

Dyersville is gearing up for 20,000 field of dreams concert goers this weekend.

And I think there's only one way

to get to Field of Dreams.

Isn't there?

It's like, good lord, 20,000 on the same road.

There's what, a street of screams and roads of rage and good lord.

The concert organizers had heard a voice coming from the field that said, if you booked Tim McGraw and Nickelback, he won't come.

And the voice was talking about me, so of course they booked him

and...

I'm

going nowhere near the place.

Taco Bell will bring back discontinued menu items from the 2000s.

When McDonald's serves 20-year-old food, they serve regular burgers.

The FDA expanded a recall of radioactive shrimp.

You've heard about the radioactive shrimp.

Well, the recall has been expanded, except for red lobster customers who have developed kind of an immunity

over the last week.

A

grand jury refused to indict the man who threw a sandwich at federal officers in DC.

In other words, they thought the charges were total baloney.

And that the prosecution was substandard.

I said, substandard.

Where's my rimshot guy?

Alright, thanks for that.

Then you know when to give the dad laugh.

Okay, the dad joke laugh.

Alright, let's look at Travis Kelsey and Taylor Swift.

Are you still excited about that marriage?

Oh boy, that's a hell of an engagement.

They've got plans for a private, casual wedding.

But trust me, the divorce will be spectacular.

72% of Americans don't care that Taylor Swift got engaged.

They're just bitter since they used to date her.

That's why.

That's why.

Let's see here.

Roger Daltry visited kids at a cancer hospital.

And the kids all said, who are you?

But for the wrong reason, they had no idea who that was.

The winners of Love Island split.

What?

If two people who met on a trashy streaming show can't make things work, what hope do any of us have?

That's all I

got.