Best of Hit and Run Headlines (Week of 11-13)

Britain's royal family is getting a 56 million dollar pay increase this year.

A pay increase for doing nothing?

Who do they think they are?

Congress?

You know, the press signed a law boosting social security payments, or as your grandpa put it, time to buy more crap from the Franklin

Mint.

Mark Zuckerberg thinks Metta's fact checkers have been biased.

He's upset they've favored humans over robots, because you know he's half robot.

Or is it three-quarters robot?

I always forget.

Men can combat erectile dysfunction by drinking grape juice.

But, but, there is a big but here.

If you turn those grapes into wine, they have the opposite

effect.

Macy's will close 66 stores this year.

Or as JC Penney put it, what are you doing right?

Kevin, stop it.

Kevin Costner and Jennifer Lopez have reportedly been talking every day.

Hmm.

I guess it's only because he wants her to sell off her engagement rings to finance his next crappy

Western.

Todd Bridges opened up about his life as a teenage TV star.

It was one of the more fascinating chats I ever had with a valet.

Have you heard about Duncan?

Apparently there's a temporary supply shortage in Duncan across the US.

All these Duncan's don't have donuts.

A Duncan without donuts is like a state fair without

mullets.

A Taco Bell without stoners.

Or a Costco without forklift exhaust.

Or a Broadway show without jazz hands.

Or WrestleMania without high school dropouts.

A looter, a looter I say was caught using a firefighters uniform to sneak into fire damaged areas of Los Angeles.

So now the LAPD is investigating everyone who's ever bought a firefighter costume from Spirit Halloween store.

You know Kim Kardashian is going to be donating underwear to LAPD victims because hey it's not like she ever wears it for goodness sakes.

Shake Shack, Five Guys, and Sugar Factory, which I've never heard of, have been named the most overpriced fast food chains.

But I have to think, when it comes to the price paid by your colon, the clear winner has got to be

Arby's.

Got to be

Arby's.

Costco recalled cough medicine for containing contaminants.

But they continue to do nothing about those $1.50 hot dogs?

Yeah, okay.

Whatever.

The British royal family will get a 56 million dollar raise this year because it's not easy to wave from a balcony.

That takes training.

Years and years of tough training to get up on the balcony and do the royal, royal wave 56 million dollars.

You gotta, that royally sucks.

Does I make half that I make half fifty six million dollars and I do more than that Alright anyway new research shows drinking coffee in the morning can lower your risk of an early death On the other hand talking to me before I've had my coffee can raise your risk of an early death by a hundred percent An increasing number of teens are addicted to laughing gas

And you know the gas is strong because some of the teens were even overheard chuckling at Tim Allen's new sitcom.

Now that's strong stuff.

A man accused of stealing hot pockets from a Michigan store was eating the hot pockets when police found him.

The cops actually let him go, figuring by eating hot pockets, he'd already punished himself enough.

Who knows?

Might

have even been dead when they got him.

to them, you know, those hot pockets or the shards of skin that hang from the roof of your mouth when you eat them too soon after the microwave.

Portland, Maine has been ranked as America's most livable city.

Coming in last place is Raging Wildfire, California.

A new survey shows the most trusted job in America is nurse.

nurses and the least trusted job is Diddy Party Planner.

That's kind of fun to say Diddy Party Planner.

That's enough fake studio audience.

Starbucks will no longer allow people to hang out if they don't buy anything.

Meanwhile, the new Sears slogan is our aisles are so wide and empty you can play Ultimate

Frisbee.

Walmart's new logo, it's barely any different, but it will have a chunkier font, a chunkier font on the Walmart logo.

And this change is being made to reflect the fact they have chunkier customers, let's

say.

The FDA wants to put nutrition information on the front of food packages.

Yeah, because that's gonna make me put down the hot pockets and head straight to the vegetable aisle is the nutrition facts on the front.

I'm speaking for all Americans there.

All Americans.

They're not going to do anything about it.

Vegetable aisle, what's that?

A study finds that men are sad if their wives make more than they do.

And if their daughters make more, well, just look at Billy Ray Cyrus.

Researchers say nightmares are notably more common in people with anxiety disorders and depression.

And speaking of nightmares, did you see Sam Darnold against the Rams on Monday night?

I'm still.

I woke up screaming four times this morning because of Val.

Alright, moving right along PTSD.

One in five members of Gen Z can't change a light bulb.

Yeah, one in five.

How many Gen Zers can't change a light bulb?

One in five.

Not a good joke, but four in five boomers can't change a vape cartridge.

So really, who's the idiot here?

Secretary of Defense nominee Pete Hegseth faced a tough confirmation hearing yesterday.

There were so many tense exchanges that Hegseth has already qualified to be Secretary of Defensiveness.

The Supreme Court is currently deciding

whether the government can limit children's access to online pornography.

Limit?

Children's access?

Limit?

So how's that gonna go?

Oh, uh, Billy, remember the Supreme Court says only two hours of smut per night, so I'm timing you.

Okay, Mom.

I don't think

that's...

I don't know, limit?

Okay, anyway, I'm just confounded by that.

Jay Leno served food to first responders in Los Angeles.

Technically, Conan O'Brien did, but then Jay showed up and took the job from him, which is kind of

his

home.

Yeah, he fed them a steady diet of pancakes, eggs, and Monica Lewinsky jokes.

J.C.

Penney, Forever 21, Errol Postel, and Eddie Bauer are now part of the same company.

Because bankruptcy is more fun as a group.

You know, misery loves company, or should I say companies?

41% of companies plan to reduce workforces due to AI.

Now, fortunately, my job is safe because radio doesn't require intelligence.

Hey!

Somebody took my head and runs and wrote that in there.

I'm a little bit offended.

I'm gonna have to watch these things a little bit more carefully.

Earnings for big US banks were up big yesterday.

Good, now maybe they can afford to stop chaining down their pens.

Until then, I'm just gonna keep using the drive-thru, ask to borrow a pen and drive off with it.

Now that's not technically bank robbery, is it?

I don't know.

Because I've done that a few times.

A horror version of Peter Pan is in the works.

How do you make a eunuch who shows up at a kid's window and runs off with them even scarier?

Almost made it.

Travis Kelsey says Taylor Swift will be at Saturday's game.

Now hopefully cameras will occasionally cut away from the action to get the game.

The FDA has banned the use of Red Die number three.

Which is fine by me, because red dye number two is definitely the best part of that trilogy.

You can argue

with me for as

long as you want.

And by the way, I know you're wondering, still no word on what it plans to do with Mombo number five.

But I'll let you know.

So electric vehicles and hybrids now make up 20% of car sales and 100% of parking lots outside Lulu Lemon, which I don't even know.

I don't even know what the hell that is.

A Southwest pilot was arrested just before takeoff at a Georgia airport for a DUI.

But Southwest will miss this guy, because he's got a very special skill.

He can de-ice a plane's wings just by lighting his breath.

The government sued Southwest for chronic delays, and Southwest says it will respond to the lawsuit on Monday, but most likely it'll probably be more like Tuesday.

Yeah, and most of the delays are due to trying to find a sober pilot to replace the drunk one.

And as if you haven't heard, it's customer service day today.

I can't wait to tell Direct TV how much I appreciate all they do once I get off this six hour

hold.

J.Lo donated clothes to L.A.

Fire Victims because if there's one thing people without food or shelter need right now, it's a sequined body thong.

Fender is offering free gear to musicians who lost equipment in the L.A.

Fires.

Sit back down, Nickelback.

I said, I said musicians.

Alright, and finally, one of my favorite, favorite people has passed away, David Lynch.

I'm a weirdo who likes the David Lynch movies.

He was famous for creating worlds in his films that were almost as bizarre as the one we're living in now, just in case you haven't noticed.

That's right, it's all I got.