HIT AND RUN HEADLINES BEST OF WK 12/16 -12/20

And I'm telling you, the fake studio audience finds it hilarious.

A DJ was hospitalized after being stabbed by a dancer at a vegan strip club.

I can't really prove it, but I feel like these things don't happen at places that serve bacon.

I think I'm right with that.

I really do.

There's a study that shows 67% of teenage girls don't say what they're thinking because they want to be liked.

That number goes way up to 100% for politicians.

Chipotle raised menu prices, and remember, that's on top of what you also have to shell out for a bottle of Pepto Bismol.

A company unveiled technology to re-freeze the Arctic.

It has three settings, cold, frigid, and Clinton family dinner.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle made a new Netflix series about Polo.

Well, that ought to shut up all the idiots who say the royal family ain't relatable.

Polo.

Okay, the hottest new cryptocurrency is called, you won't believe it.

Fart coin!

Ladies and gentlemen, that's 2024 in a nutshell, right there.

Fart coin!

And almost as great a word as fart coin, a fungus at the site of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster has mutated to feed on radiation levels.

that would be lethal to most other life forms.

And what does it say about 2024 that this is only like the ninth scariest thing that is going on in the world?

A Dallas-based startup is putting ammunition vending machines in gross restores.

Only in Texas, man, so I'll tell you what, you just try to roll that full card up to the 10 items or less late now.

Yeah, let's see what happens.

Experts say scented holiday candles can release dangerous fumes, which is why the only thing I like during the holiday is a bong.

No!

Somebody writes things in here sometimes.

I have no idea how they get there.

I would never.

Don't do drugs, kids.

British pubs are worried they'll run out of Guinness during the holiday season.

That's mainly because Russell Crowe is visiting.

You can now take photos at the Taco Bell drive-thru.

You know, I didn't know that you couldn't before.

I didn't.

But apparently, it is now legal to take photos at the Taco Bell drive-thru.

Because why should gas panes be your only lasting experience from Taco Bell, I ask you?

Thirty-five buildings in Miami Beach have sunk by as much as three inches between 2016 and 2023.

The only things sinking faster in Miami are the Dolphins' playoff chances.

And since we're talking football, Vikings beat the Bears, haha, Jeff Winfield.

Pope Francis turns 88 today, and it's starting to look like the job is wearing him down.

But you know the old saying, heavy is the head that wears the seven foot tall hat.

You heard that, right?

U2 drummer Larry Mullen Jr.

has a condition that makes it difficult for him to do math.

And it's more common than you think.

I mean math majors at the University of Nebraska figure five out of four drummers suffer the same affliction.

Five out of four, I say.

Yeah, I don't know math either.

Walmart employees in some locations are now wearing body cams.

Meaning it's gonna suck even harder if they ban TikTok now, I'll tell ya.

I think these body cameras, I think they're filming for a new National Geographic documentary about Rednecks and their natural environment.

Taco Bell added chicken nuggets to their menu.

It's for those customers who are so high they think they're at KFC.

In a new poll, 6% of U.S.

adults say 2024 was one of the best years in American history.

And in totally unrelated news, 6% of U.S.

adults just woke up from a year-long coma this week.

That takes some history out of that one.

A Virginia hunter was crushed to death by a bear falling from a tree.

And keep in mind, that bear was William the refrigerator parry.

That took you a second.

Puffer fish inflate by sucking in water, not air, while Americans inflate by sucking in bacon cheeseburgers.

Forecasts indicate this winter will be unseasonably warm.

The clearest sign it's going to be a mild winter is the fact Ted Cruz hasn't booked a trip to Cancun yet.

That's right.

Another Meet the Parents is in the works.

Oh Lord, it's a chance to see Robert De Niro do what he does best.

Cash checks for inferior products.

So there were 11.4 million viewers watch the finale of Yellowstone.

And not to say it was mostly old guys, but when it aired, Costco was completely empty.

Keith Richards turns 81 today.

Happy birthday, Keith.

I talked to him a little bit earlier.

We went to kindergarten together, but he always ate all the paste.

All the paste.

That's Keith for you.

But anyway, I say it's time we finally give up trying to understand it and just give him the Nobel Prize in Chemistry.

Can't deserve it.

Exercising just 30 minutes a day improves memory.

And in other news, exercising just 30 minutes a day improves memory.

Americans spent 110 hours this year looking for something to watch.

Then the whole time it was on, their faces were in their phones.

Or is that just me?

Maybe it's just me, I don't know.

Scientists are developing a new type of bulletproof plastic.

It's made out of the same plastic used to make bags of chips that take forever to open.

Right?

Oh, that's it.

It's the worst.

You got to get a scissor sometimes for these plastic bags.

I think it's perfect to try to make bulletproof.

I do.

All right.

A funeral home in Ohio got a liquor license.

You know what their most popular drink is already?

Formaldehyde-fizz.

I'll take

a

formaldehyde-fizz, please.

Mike Lookenland, does that name sound familiar?

Mike Lookenland, he played the youngest son Bobby on the Brady Bunch.

He turned 64 today.

And I'm not saying he's old, but he just yelled at his grandkids for playing ball in the house.

Santa helped bust a car thief in Alabama.

Too bad he didn't have one of those clever lines that cops in movies say, you know, during an arrest, but for next time, Santa, I came up with a few.

Go ahead, make my sleigh.

Or another line for a Santa cop to deliver in one of those movies.

I'm here to kick ass and leave presents under a tree, and I don't see a tree.

Hey punk, I'm coming to town.

You're going to jail Towards the night before Christmas when kids are in bed come out with your hands up or I'll fill you with lead Another line that Santa could speak where he's busting somebody say hello to my little friends literally he's he's an elf and Finally yippie-ki-yay naughty lister

Thank you.

Thank you very much the top adult beverage choices this holiday season beer wine and eggnog and Coincidentally, those are the three ingredients I used this morning in my smoothie Tomorrow is the first day of winter Winter solstice is that time of year where my wife goes from nagging me for not raking leaves to nagging me for not shoveling snow

And I love winter because wearing a comfy cardigan to work gives me more places to hide my flask.

So Boston has been named the most beautiful winter city to get the finger

in.

And as I've told you, today is Ugly Sweater Day, and the nation's great aunts are putting on the most loud, hideous, multicolored pieces of clothing ever made.

And if there's time, they may even celebrate Ugly Sweater Day.

Frequently posting on social media can worsen mental health.

See, this is why I write my deepest thoughts on public toilet stalls.

Brown.

Snow.

We don't have any snow out, but thank God we don't have brown snow, but it's been falling in Maine.

But on the bright side, I always like looking on the bright side, if there's a state that could use something to balance out all of that white, I'll tell you, it's Maine.

I'm glad you get it.

Walking 5,000 steps a day helps treat depression.

What if the thought of walking 5,000 steps causes depression?

I'm asking for every American.

All right, did you hear about Sam Goody officially going out of business?

You know, I'd better act fast if I want to return my K-Tel hit machine record.

I'm

running out of time, for goodness' sake.

And finally, Open AI has launched a free phone service that allows anyone in the US to talk to its chat GPT chat bot for up to 15 minutes.

You know, I'm sorry, but if I want to talk to a fake person, I'll call the Bulgarian supermodel who messaged me on Facebook.

Thank you very much.

Thank

you very much.

Alright, that's all I got.