Transcript
BEST OF HIT AND RUN HEADLINES, WEEK OF 11-11-2024
The Waters Wake Up Call with Mike Waters · Fri Nov 15, 2024
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Find out your welcome offer after you apply, which could be as high as 175,000 points.
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The closest many Americans will get to honoring the military is by visiting Colonel Sanders.
So Moria actually should be celebrating, you know, the regular kernels.
And I'm not talking kernels of corn, Iowa.
All right.
So today is National Metal Day.
You can sit back down, Bon Jovi.
Huh?
You too, deaf leopard.
You're great in everything, but you ain't metal.
That's just how it is, okay.
43 escaped monkeys.
Escaped a research facility in South Carolina.
Cops shared their scheme to recapture the monkeys and man, it was bananas.
Bananas, all right.
Australia is considering a social media ban for kids under 16.
And now I know what to wish for if I ever find a genie in a bottle that Elon Musk was an Australian kid under 16.
A Rhode Island man broke a world record by collecting 1,019 energy drink cans.
But you know, something tells me, even if he drank all 1,019 cans, it still wouldn't give him enough energy to climb off his mom's couch and meet an actual girl.
Maybe you should try that.
Jimmy Carter has become the oldest Grammy nominee at the age of 100.
Although Keith Richards still holds the record as the oldest looking Grammy nominee.
A new Star Wars trilogy is in the works.
This one will be called
People with goofy names and ill-defined mystical powers.
Sounds like your regular Star Wars movie.
And the way Star Wars has become just synonymous with the oversaturation of mediocre product.
I wouldn't be surprised if George Lucas was hiding his head in his neck waddle in shame.
And now that James Earl Jones is dead, the new voice of Darth Vader,
Miley Cyrus, everybody!
Leonardo DiCaprio turns 50 today.
50.
He'll celebrate by blowing out all the candles on his birthday supermodel.
And that's 350.
That's 350.
And my life is infinitely better than yours years.
Yeah, you're lucky.
Yeah, he'll spend the day like every other, googling all the references his girlfriend and her friends make.
And this is an important age for Leo.
He's now twice as old as the girlfriend he's about to dump.
And finally, the Cleveland, the Cleveland Browns had a buy yesterday, which is why liquor sales in the Cleveland area dropped dramatic grammatically.
And their fans said bye to them four losses ago, just so they're aware.
Okay, and now finally, now finally, the heir to the Levi Strauss fortune won the race to become mayor of San Francisco.
And he's already announced his first 501 days plan.
I guess it's not surprising that success is in his jeans.
In his jeans.
Thank you.
With your in run and line.
Stop the presses.
A vet surgically removed a tumor from a family's pet goldfish.
It's not a tumor.
The pet goldfish said, no, I was just, that was my bad, that was my bad impression of Arnold.
In other words, that returned a different pet goldfish to a family.
I think that's what
painting made by a humanoid robot auctioned for one million dollars.
The artist's name, C3 Picasso.
I can't believe you laughed at that.
Thank goodness there are a fake studio audience and I control the laughter.
A study found that the phrase, there's nothing else we can do is one of the top things patients don't want to hear from their doctor.
Others are, you want a second opinion?
You're fat, too.
they don't want that either.
A billionaire is offering women free IVF treatments if they use his sperm.
And here's really the most shocking part of the story.
The billionaire is somehow not Elon Musk.
Footage of a mysterious creature roaming in a park in West Virginia has locals frightened.
Not as frightened as seeing a salad, but still pretty stinking frightened.
Yeah.
A new study shows five minutes of daily exercise can lower your blood pressure.
You can lower your blood pressure even more by watching five fewer minutes of the
The trailer is out for Mission Impossible 8.
Tom Cruise's impossible assignment is to play a role in his daughter's life.
Why don't
you try that once,
Tom?
Peace.
Ice Age 6 is in the works and ironically this franchise is helping create its own extinction of original content in Hollywood.
No kidding.
Kim Kardashian says motherhood can be sad.
It gets better once your kids become sex objects, responded Chris Jenner, mother of the Kardashians.
The rock admits he has peed into bottles on film sets to save time.
He's not just a wrestler, kids, or an actor.
He also brews his own natty light.
And in totally unrelated news, The Rock just scored a new gig narrating the orientation video for Amazon warehouse workers.
Yeah, they do a lot of peeing in jars too.
Harrison Ford plays a version of The Hulk in the new Captain America movie.
This one gets angry when you ask him a question about Star Wars.
Don't make me angry.
And shall we?
Stop the presses.
Doctors say spending more than 10 minutes on the toilet at a time is bad for your health.
So apparently I've been dead for 30 years.
Schools are banning crocs because kids are tripping over them.
Does it make me a jerk that I thought that's what makes crocs awesome?
Is that
is Sadie Hawkins Day.
It's a day when women ask men out, and men immediately assume they're getting sex.
Not necessarily, guys, and get you in trouble.
Papa John's has now had three consecutive losing quarters.
Evidently, the public's desire for indigestible pizza is
And speaking of indigestible, let's talk about Chipotle.
They have a new CEO and his lucrative contract includes millions of dollars in the form of free scoops of extra guacamole.
I just wanted to say guacamole, anytime you say guacamole.
Holy moly guacamole.
Red Lobster is bringing back hush puppies.
Great news for customers who love getting heart disease.
Easy there.
They aren't what you think they are.
The hush puppies.
They're Haitian immigrants.
They're not.
Meghan Markle wants to build a lifestyle empire to rival Gwyneth Paltrow's.
Well, she's already got the annoying part down.
We know that.
Martha Stewart pushed Drew Barrymore away when she got too touchy-feely on her show yesterday.
I guess it gave Martha flashbacks of what she had to survive in, had to do to survive in prison.
Britney Spears has reportedly reconciled with her 18-year-old son, Jaden.
I hear they're so close now she's even letting him dance with her
Yale is adding a course on Beyonce.
Really?
This apparently will help the university reach its goal of making their diplomas absolutely worthless.
Oh my God, a Yale man.
Meanwhile, the University of Phoenix is offering a course on the other two members of Destiny's Child.
Hey, you know, today is National Hug a Musician Day.
Though I'd think twice if that musician in question is Diddy.
Don't hug Diddy.
SNL's Chloe Feynman says Elon Musk once made her cry.
Yeah, did you see him host SNL, honey?
He made us, he made us all cry.
nightmare on Elm Street came out 40 years ago.
The legacy of a monster with terrifying skin lives on thanks to Steve Bannon.
it's Jimmy Kimmel's 57th birthday today.
Jimmy will spend it like every other day reminding people he's not Jimmy
And finally, Jerry Jones says he has no plans to fire Mike McCarthy, which makes Jerry Jones' approach to aging his second worst idea.
That's right.
In time with
INROTATIONS!
KFC is selling a sleep machine that makes the sound of chicken frying.
Leave it to Americans to find a way to even make our dreams fat.
That's right.
Dreams fat.
You got fat dreams, buddy.
That's what you got.
All right.
According to new research, your kidneys can actually form memories and they hate you.
Thank you.
Studies show that putting LED lights on the bottom of surfboards may prevent great white shark attacks.
But not as much as my 8x10 of Roy Scheider.
They're going to need a bigger boat.
Federal regulators will start charging oil and gas companies a fee for excess methane emissions.
But if the government really wanted to make money, they would apply that fee to Chipotle customers.
That's where you get the excess methane right there.
Lunchables have been removed from the National School Lunch Program.
Oh man, however they remain a staple in the Divorced Dads Lunch Program.
80% of us have left a big event early just to beat traffic.
and it's not a big deal unless unless that big event is your wedding that's
good croissants are originally from Australia not France yeah croissant so it's it's croissant okay it's croissant so no longer croissant you know you don't have to say it pretentiously like like a french person anymore croissant
so you can add bakery item discoveries to the list of things France has had to surrender.
The former CEO of Spirit Airlines has died at the age of 62.
Per his wishes, his body will be stuffed in a rolling bag and flung in a dumpster by a wasted baggage handler.
That's, probably don't even have to ask for that, it'll just happen.
A Barbara Streisand documentary is in the works.
Yes, Babs!
Ah, color me, Babs.
It will color, uh, color.
It will cover her life as a singer, actress, and your suspiciously single uncle's screensaver.
That's right.
The Golden Bachelorette.
You see, you see last night?
Hey, neither did I, but the Golden Bachelorette shows her man last night.
Now they just have to decide whose assisted living facility to move into.
Bates didn't get her breasts reconstructed after a double mastectomy, and she says she enjoys not having the breasts.
Must be nice, replied Russell Crowe, who has a pretty good set of man boobs.
All right.
Enough of that.
Denzel Washington says he's retiring soon, and if you think that's bad news, check this out.
Rob Schneider isn't.
Yeah, that's too bad.
The official cause of death for 91-year-old Quincy Jones has been revealed.
It's a rare condition called being 91.
And finally, Tom Brady says he screwed up as a parent.
Oh, so his kids want to work in radio too.
Yeah, my parents can relate, believe me.
With your
in-run
headlines, an Indiana man was found dead
in a tanning bed at Planet Fitness three days after entering the gym.
Unfortunately, it took a while to find his body because the odor of it was masked by all the other foul odors at Planet Fitness, if you know.
There's the fake studio audience.
Latest ever, thank you very much.
Geez, a human head washed ashore in Florida.
Isn't this all just fantastic?
Well, this is Florida we're talking about, you know, so it didn't even crack the top 100 on the list of the most horrifying things to happen yesterday.
The voice of AOL's You've Got Mail was laid to rest.
He'll soon be joined in the afterlife by everyone who still uses AOL in
Airbnb is renting out the Coliseum for gladiator reenactments.
Can't make it to Rome, but still want to feel like Russell Crowe?
Well, all you gotta do is eat a Twinkie.
That's all you gotta do.
Do that.
Southwest is redesigning their planes interiors, but their customers remain the same, so your flight will remain repulsive.
Experts say winter depression is real.
But remember, they said the same thing about the G-spot.
Am I right, fellas?
Chipotle Shareholder is suing the company over skimpy portion sizes.
In Chipotle's defense, that guy sounds like too much of a bean counter.
I say bean, hold on, stop it, bean
Oh, that was so not worth it.
Yesterday was National Pickle Day.
Evidently, it's a day Pickle lovers really relish.
There.
I had to tell another rotten joke since I screwed up the last rotten joke.
You're welcome.
A survey found that 4% of Americans will have fake plant-based meat on Thanksgiving Day, which means 4% of Americans will have zero guests on Thanksgiving
Measles cases are surging in the US.
Hold my beer, replied RFK Jr.
Mike Tyson fights 27-year-old Jake Paul tonight, 58 and 27.
Now I could say Tyson's old, but he's my age, so Mike, good luck.
You're just getting started, my man.
You're just getting started.
Kenan Thompson says working on SNL is bittersweet.
Let it be on the record that he said bittersweet.
Not funny.
Let's see.
I'm gonna skip some of this crap.
The Golden Bachelorette ended in an engagement.
Okay, a guy got down on one knee.
He could have been having a heart attack or maybe proposing.
We don't really know for sure yet.
We haven't heard since.
Yeah.
Pete Davidson turns 31 tomorrow and I'm not sure what his plans are other than having sex with a woman you or I could never land if we looked like him.
Lisa Bonet turns 57 tomorrow.
She's had sex with Lenny Kravitz and Jason Momoa.
Where can you possibly go from there that isn't a letdown?
Maybe Pete
And finally, Jason Kelsey pooped himself before an NFL game.
That's right.
He played for the Eagles, but his pants looked more like the Browns.
Yeah, it is.
Let's end on an immature one, shall we?
That's all I
got.
There's
nothing like the American Express Platinum card.
Find out your welcome offer after you apply, which could be as high as 175,000 points.
Learn more and find out your offer at americanexpress.com slash explore dash platinum.
Terms apply.