Transcript
Best of Hit and Run Headlines wk of 9-2-2024
The Waters Wake Up Call with Mike Waters · Fri Sep 6, 2024
Oh boy.
Start with a Wells Fargo employee in Arizona who died in her cubicle wasn't found until four days later when coworkers noticed a smell.
Isn't that crazy?
I mean, that kind of raises the question, how will they know the IT guy died?
And I'm supposed to trust Wells Fargo to process my ATM deposit promptly?
I mean, I don't know,
say a lunar Noah's Ark could be the best way to preserve species.
Only this time, I say we don't take the mosquitoes.
Can we figure that out?
And I wouldn't be heartbroken if we didn't take along any adult Disney fanatics either.
That'd be keep them at home.
A giant chasm.
That's right, a chasm in Siberia, nicknamed the Gateway to Hell.
has tripled in size over the past 30 years.
Probably to accommodate people who've tripled in size over that same period, I would think.
Heinz has invented a robot that will dip your food, then feed it to you.
This will be good for people whose hands are otherwise busy gaming, typing, or holding a 132-ounce Mountain Dew.
So there's a white whale rumored to be a Russian spy
and has died.
So rest in peace, Chris Christie.
No, that's not nice.
That's not nice.
A new study says that tiny bits of plastic are getting into human brains.
After hearing this, Nicole Kidman, Renee Zellweger, Meg Ryan were like, that's awful.
You got to keep that stuff to your face.
Prince Harry reportedly wants to return to the fold of the royal family.
He's just tired of doing nothing in an unofficial capacity and wants to get back to doing nothing in an official capacity.
Good luck.
Disney is selling a limited edition Star Wars The Clone Wars lightsaber set.
Or you could try to find a girlfriend.
The new docu-series Chimp Crazy depicts people who own chimps as disturbed.
Wow.
Until now I thought Michael Jackson was normal.
Neil Young cancelled his tour because his body was not up for it.
As for Crazy Horse, more of a mental health thing.
The Cure is releasing their first new music in 16 years.
Turns out the Cure's disease is procrastination.
Charlie Sheen turns 59 today.
No word on how that's even possible.
Gloria Stephan turns 67 on Sunday.
She has a new song.
Rheumatoid Arthritis is gonna get ya.
Patrick Mahone says Taylor Swift is drawing up plays for the Chiefs.
In other words, she found another chance to tell Travis Kelsey what to do.
And by the way, if the plays are a bust, players are advised to just shake it off.
Shake it off!
Okay, okay, you ready there?
Hot shot?
Let's see, let's see.
Where are we?
Where'd we go?
Somebody find us.
Okay, here we go.
Engineers have developed a method to vaporize plastics.
And when she heard the news, Cher just went into hiding.
That's all she can do.
A neighborhood of 3D printed homes will open in Texas.
And by the way, it uses the same machine that printed a 3D face for Jerry Jones.
A study.
There's a study that claims it only takes 15 minutes to get healthy.
Well, too bad my microwave claims it only takes three minutes to heat a hot pocket, so I think that wins.
I'm sorry.
Greece has banned cell phones in school classrooms.
Ah, it's great.
Now students will be able to focus on their salad making and yogurt culturing classes.
Fantastic.
A Florida preschool teacher was arrested after she was accused of putting a three-year-old in a headlock using her legs.
Three year old!
But you know, in her defense, she's just getting the kid used to life as a Floridian.
So, you gotta do that.
Lego bricks now use renewable plastic.
But don't worry, they'll retain the sturdiness that make parents scream when they step on it with bare feet.
So that's not going away.
Selma Hayek posted a bikini selfie to celebrate her 58th birthday.
Oh, Selma.
And by the way, you can find it on Instagram.
So check that out.
Travis and Jason Kelsey signed a $100 million podcast deal.
And podcasting, just like radio, except with a lot less work and a lot more money.
I gotta get into that, man.
Gen Z is bringing back... Let me try that again.
I think my tongue got tied up there.
Gen Z is bringing back skinny jeans.
Skinny jeans are like regular jeans, but you wash them with Ozympic.
A new study shows male fruit flies become oblivious to threats during attempts to mate.
Make love.
Have a little...
And they also become oblivious to how much money they're spending on drinks.
I know how that goes.
The title of the new Jurassic Park movie has been revealed.
It's called, why do we keep trying to open this freaking park?
It really doesn't ever go right.
Shohei Otani's dog threw the first pitch at a Dodgers game.
And he was immediately signed by the White
But Dallas Cowboys are once again the most valuable team in the NFL until the start of the postseason.
And finally, Saturn is now visible from Earth.
Saturn is that heavenly beauty with all the rings.
Oh, no, sorry, thinking of Tom Brady.
Sorry.
Jeff Bezos, who is the devil by the way, that's why I call him Jeff Bezosalbub.
I think the fake studio audience is still sleeping.
Fake studio audience, wake up
Okay.
Jeff Bezosas, or as I call him, Jeff Bezosalbub.
Thank you.
His new 80 million dollar airplane was seen in an airport in Los Angeles.
It stands apart on the tarmac because it's the only plane covered in bubble wrap.
Southwest brought back its buy one get one free companion pass for a limited time.
It's a great deal for people who don't want to be alone while they spend hours in the airport waiting for their canceled flights to be rescheduled.
A Philadelphia man stole a car and shoplifted from a target.
Then he drove it to a police station to demand they return the drugs they'd seized from him.
Wow, Eagles fans, am I right?
I right?
Yeah, cops immediately tested him for traces of Florida.
They're all crazy, you know.
A new drink trend is mixing Gatorade and wine.
It's the official beverage of the real housewives of 24-hour fitness.
That's what that is.
Hilton Hyatt and Marriott are experiencing staffing shortages due to a strike.
Also suffering from a short staff, guys who drive cyber
Scientists have developed a robot that's controlled by mushrooms.
It's been given the code name, Aaron Rodgers.
New photos of the Titanic show major decay to the legendary wreck.
The same can be said about new photos of Keith Richards.
Wallet Hub named Orlando, Florida the best city for retirees.
Meanwhile, the worst city for retirees remains Broken Hip, Texas.
Olive Garden's annual endless pasta bowl has returned.
Not returning to Olive Garden.
Customers who bought it last year.
back.
In order to make the McFlurry more environmentally friendly, McDonald's has gotten rid of the plastic straw and replaced the plastic lid with cardboard flaps.
Now the only part that's made from plastic is the ice cream itself.
The season 33 cast of Dancing with the Stars is out, and for the 33rd straight time, they are neither dancers nor stars.
The NFL season kicks off tonight.
Yay!
An alert.
The Dallas Cowboys have already lost their first round playoff game.
Travis Kelsey admitted that Taylor Swift is drawing up plays for him and the Kansas City Chiefs.
Good Lord.
They have great names like, hold my purse at the mall and... You're not wearing that to dinner, are you?
And OMG, you're gonna love this couple we're double dating with.
So one of the odds Andy Reed uses one of the plays Taylor Swift has drawn up in a game.
Probably pretty good if she draws them on a quarter pounder with cheese wrapper.
That's right, I said it.
Boom.
Subscribers to Walmart Plus will now get discounts at Burger King.
I'll use mine on salad, responded nobody who subscribes to Walmart Plus.
As I was saying today is National Read a Book Day, although I think a more helpful holiday would be National Read Your Disney Plus Terms and Conditions Day.
69% of people are turned on when they watch their partner clean.
Then there's Arnold Schwarzenegger, who's turned on even when it's not his particular partner.
According to a new survey, nearly one in 10 mothers regrets the name they chose for their baby.
The most common name they regret using is Nick Cannon Jr.
A California man living in a nudist community was arrested for killing his two neighbors.
Yeah, in a nudist community.
Biggest mystery for me remaining would be, where was he hiding the weapon for God's sakes?
I don't want to know, really.
A study found that 40 to 49 year olds had an average student loan debt of $44,798.
So at this point, that age group has spent as much money on student loan interest as they have on Coldplay CDs.
Chipotle is launching a Halloween costume collection because as far as I know nothing there's nothing scarier than arriving at a party dressed like someone who just ate Chipotle.
Amazon is denying a rumor that their drivers aren't allowed to sing along to the radio but they would prefer drivers limit their singing to when they've stopped their truck to pee in a Gatorade bottle.
Vladimir Putin may invade more Eastern European countries.
Leonardo DiCaprio is very, very worried this will disrupt his supermodel pipeline.
Ellen DeGeneres' next stand-up special drops September 24th on Netflix.
After this, she plans to hang up the mic or throw it at an assistant.
Probably the latter.
Roger Waters turns 81 today.
Hey, that's my sister.
No, I'm his sister.
Roger Waters turns 81 today.
He's gone from singing teacher, leave them kids alone to yelling, hey, teacher, keep them kids off my damn lawn.
The 2024 season of the national Taylor Swift League kicked off last night.
It was really, really annoying though, because they kept cutting the footballs.
The NFL season, and it is officially underway, as is the heavy drinking of despondent Carolina Panthers fans.
of New York Jets fans are optimistic about the coming season.
Sounds like Aaron Rodgers is passing his stuff around.
O.J.
Simpson's kids turned his ashes into jewelry.
Are you sure that's the guy you want hanging around your neck?
Think about it.
The Philadelphia Eagles will wear new uniforms in Brazil tonight.
Playing in Brazil tonight.
Because that's how you impress a nation of half-naked people.
Clothes.
Thank you, thank you.
That's all I got.