Transcript
BEST OF HIT AND RUN HEADLINES WK OF 8-19-2024
The Waters Wake Up Call with Mike Waters · Fri Aug 23, 2024
Bill Clinton, or as I used to call him in kindergarten, Billy Button.
Billy Button Clinton turns 78 today.
He's going to be so disappointed when they roll out his cake and it's not big enough for Sidney Sweeney to pop out of.
Sorry, Billy Button.
And he plans on celebrating by having a nice romantic dinner.
That is, of course, unless Hillary wants to do something with him.
A Kentucky couple's lost wedding ring was found about 61 years later.
Even without the ring, people knew they were married because they were siblings.
It's Kentucky.
Scientists say bananas are at risk of extinction.
Oh, no, but don't worry.
Don't worry, French pull, Valter.
You can always use a zucchini.
Ah, let's see here.
ChatGPT is warning that some users may become emotionally attached to their AI chat bot.
For proof that someone can fall in love with a computer program that's, well, only pretending to be human, look no further than Mark Zuckerberg's wife.
Four out of five parents are taking steps to make back-to-school season magical for their kids.
Suckers, I'm taking steps to make it magical for me.
That's what it's all about.
Orville Wright was born on this day in 1871, his invention literally changed the planet.
I mean, popcorn in a bag, ready in three minutes?
I mean, how did we even live before that?
Thanks for that, Orville.
A Denver man got arrested for pulling a gun on a Burger King worker who refused drugs as payment.
Idiot, that only works at Hardee's.
And was he really so hungry that he couldn't go sell the drugs somewhere else and then come back to the drive-thru?
I mean, is that unheard of?
I don't know, I don't sell that kind of thing, so what do I know?
David Hasselhoff is now a grandfather, and you can tell it's his grandkid because it slurps a bottle then passes out right there on the floor.
A fedora, worn by Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, went for $630,000 at auction.
Meanwhile at the same auction, a DVD of Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny was used to level the auction table.
Kevin Costner's Horizon will hit streaming services this Friday, giving viewers the opportunity to ignore it again only this time at home.
And finally, the California home where the classic horror movie poltergeist was filmed is up for sale.
It comes with four bedrooms, three bathrooms, and two gateways to hell.
Former Congressman George Santos pleaded guilty to aggravated identity theft and wire fraud, making him, in his own words, the first 12-time Olympic champion and chess grandmaster to do so.
A chicken nugget, yes, a chicken nugget recall has been issued.
If this affects your dinner and your over 10 years old, grow
17,000 AT&T workers went on strike.
AT&T promises to respond to their demands between the hours of 10 and 6 on Thursday.
Typical.
Typical.
Experts say eating dinner at 5 p.m.
adds years to your life, because you will have a left waffle house long before the gunfire
we don't have those here, thank goodness.
The FDA approved an at-home test for syphilis.
Sorry, let's have the beginning of the story.
Good news, Charlie Sheen.
The company that owns Circle K has made a $38 billion buyout offer of $711, though that's $38 billion.
Take a penny or give a penny.
Florida woman was arrested for attacking her sister with a plate of ravioli.
She said she wouldn't stop being a little pesto.
Yeah, obviously not.
Hold on a second.
Where was the rim shot, guy?
All right.
She said she wouldn't stop being a little pesto.
There it is.
All right.
Today is National Bacon Lovers Day.
It's the first ever holiday created
by cardiologists.
That'll keep him employed, let me tell you.
Today is World Mosquito Day, a day to call attention to the most relentlessly obnoxious pests this side of my first wife.
You wanna talk about a bloodsucker.
The trainer who worked with Lassie.
died at age 83.
And ironically, after he fell into a well and a dog wasn't available to warn others.
J.Lo was seen drinking alcohol straight from the bottle with friends.
In her defense, the topic of conversation was ticket sales to her tour, which she
Coldplay, yes, Coldplay released more details of their next album.
For instance, it will be the first album that will stream exclusively in elevators.
Robert Plant, lead singer of Led Zeppelin and quite a fine solo singer as well.
Robert Plant, 76 today.
You know, these days when he rambles on, it's about how you used to be able to walk safely down Main Street at night, your butcher knew your name and order and movies only cost a nickel.
Remember those days?
And he's working on a new song, Whole Lotta See Alice.
He's not ready for Stairway to Heaven though, I want to add that.
Rocher turned 70 today.
His forecast for tonight calls for a 100% chance of him getting up three times to
A Spanish woman who was the world's oldest person died at age 117.
The cause of death?
A knife fight outside a biker bar.
Yeah, right.
And the former second oldest person in the world is wanted for
So there's an increasing number of Americans are traveling to Vermont and Oregon to die of boredom, I assume.
think so.
The fertility rate in the US has reached a record low.
My country needs me, cried Nick Cannon while he tore off his pants.
You know, not all heroes wear capes or condoms for that
George Santos pleaded guilty to wire fraud and identity theft.
But since everything he says is a lie, does that mean he's actually not guilty?
Is that what that mean?
Okay, good, thanks for the clarification.
Today is National Senior Citizens Day, and then you move to Florida, apparently.
And not me though, not me, I will never.
But speaking of Florida, did you know that it's been named the most fun state to visit?
Yeah, if you survived the idiots.
And researchers say people produce an average of 0.28 pounds of feces per day.
No, that's not even the joke.
So you think your job sucks.
How about the poor researchers who have to weigh poop all day?
And finally, an area in my life where I'm way above average.
Experts reconstructed the face of a 3,500-year-old mummy that died screaming in agony.
But don't worry, they're not being careless.
They've got Brendan Fraser on standby if things really, really go south.
Jeff Goldblum says that becoming a father at 62 made him re-examine his life, and specifically the part of his life where he didn't wear a
The TV show based on Poltergeist is in the works.
Creators promise it will be almost as horrifying to watch as Olympic break dancing.
A former NFL player urinated on a passenger during a Delta flight.
Evidently, he took so many hits to the head, he thought he was on spirit, where they're always whizzing on passengers.
There is a new survey that says Americans think it takes $2.5 million to be considered wealthy.
Personally, I think that being wealthy means having a meaningful relationship with someone who has $2.5 million.
A new study says 60% of baby foods in U.S.
grocery stores are unhealthy.
The worst of the bunch, though, I gotta say, Gerber pulverized glass shards.
Stay away from them, kids.
A mammoth tusk was found in a Mississippi creek.
It will be stored alongside that other Mississippi rarity, the guy who finished high school.
calling 85,000 cars due to fire concern.
Tesla was like, only $85,000?
Adorable.
Adorable.
Prince William doesn't want Prince Harry at his coronation family drama.
There's a reason they won't work on their relationship.
Royals hate work.
That's why.
That's
Walmart sales are up.
It's true people are buying more meth in their parking lot than ever
Officials blame turtles for a salmonella outbreak across 21 states.
Now you know why turtles are called the Chipotle of the reptile world.
A new poll says 42 is the perfect age.
To go on an adventure, but Disney says it's when one or both of your parents has been murdered by an evil relative.
IQ scores in the U.S.
are decreasing, and here's why I think.
I think it's mostly because fast and furious sequels are increasing.
Billy, Billy Clinton, or as I like to call him, Billy Button, Clinton, smoke, smoke.
But he didn't inhale.
No, he spoke.
He spoke at the DNC last night.
And this is nice, the downtown Chicago Hooters stayed open late for his post-speech celebration.
The director of John Wick wants Travis Kelsey to star in his next film.
And to those who say Travis Kelsey can't act, I say to you, Keanu
The cheapest Cybertruck now costs $100,000.
It's still worth it for the opportunity to drive a ballpark urinal, but still, it's expensive.
Chick-fil-A is planning a streaming service, and they already have a few chicken-themed movies in the works, like A Few Good Hand, A Cluckwork Orange, Whole Tree Geists.
Yeah, right.
The Taliban is trying to increase tourism to Afghanistan.
Their slogan, hey, it's nicer than Jersey.
In downtown LA, SWAT officers arrested a naked man holding a Chihuahua after a five-hour standoff.
He has been charged with conspiracy to impersonate a Florida man.
What strange timing I mean this is how I always imagined Richard Simmons would go
know you can now stream horizon an American saga on max I mean you won't because you have taste in film, but you can
Rob Schneider says people walking out of his comedy shows is a sign he's doing it right.
But then the fact he's telling you this as your Uber driver could be a sign he's not quite doing it correctly.
So I was talking about this a little bit yesterday.
There's a theory going around that Billy Joel's piano man is about a gay bar.
You think that's crazy?
I have also heard YMCA is about five straight guys looking for a pickup basketball game on Halloween.
American pie singer Don McClain said that Taylor Swift is talented, hardworking, and basically does everything better than everyone else.
It was the day his credibility died.
Rick Springfield, 75 today.
Happy birthday, Rick Springfield.
Nowadays, he wishes he has Jesse's rascal scooter, don't you, Rick?
The so-called ketamine queen, who's like Matthew Perry with drugs, reportedly referred to him by the code name Chandler.
Yeah, Chandler.
Apparently, after being confused about the definition of a code name and what it means.
John Cena says doing sex scenes is the worst.
Finally, the real reason he's retiring from the WWE.
And finally, Adam Sandler says Travis Kelsey will appear in Happy Gilmore 2.
And just hearing that sentence, just hearing that sentence lowered your IQ.
That's right.
That's all I