HIT AND RUN HEADLINES: YEAR END

So keep that in mind as I give you the

Hidden

Runs.

Prince

Harry cut 400 pages from his memoir that were hurtful to the royal family.

They were mostly bald jokes about William.

I'd like to read those jokes.

A Maryland girl found a 15 million year old Megalodon tooth on the beach.

It was hidden under a stack of classified White House documents, I believe.

You know, since 1965, housing prices have increased by 118% while wages have only increased

by 15%.

And now you have a fun fact to share with your five or six roommates.

Elon Musk is dropping the price of Teslas.

So great news for anyone who wants an affordable electric car and the chance to support a terrifying supervillain.

Iced tea says there's no truth to the rumor that he's feuding with fellow law and order star Christopher Maloney and you have to believe him because if he was acting you would know immediately.

Mori Povich is 84 years old today.

He used to be famous for making paternity announcements.

Now that's Nick Cannon's job.

Cocaine Bear, you remember that movie?

Cocaine Bear made $23 million at the box office over the opening weekend.

And many parts of the country, including Southern California, had record snowfall.

So it was a huge weekend for a white powder, I guess you could say.

And it's ironic that a movie about cocaine would produce really, really long lines.

Yoko Ono has left New York City after 50 years.

In totally unrelated news, noise pollution levels in New York City are at record lows.

Home Depot plans to increase pay and benefits for its hourly staff by $1 billion.

Most of its employees are former shoppers who just got lost in the aisles and never found the exit.

There's a theater in Montclair, New Jersey, hosting Bring Your Own Baby, Matt and A's.

Because the markup on the babies they sell at the concession stand are just outrageous.

However, however, you still can't bring your own food or beverage.

It makes no sense.

Aaron Rodgers, remember what Aaron Rodgers was doing at the beginning of the year?

Four-day darkness retreat.

Yeah, he was in a one-bedroom house at an undisclosed location, not to be confused with former NFL quarterback Johnny Menzel, who was living in darkness due to not being able to pay his electric bill for being a dope.

A Mississippi man lost nearly 400 pounds to keep a promise to his grandmother, and the promise

to stop breaking her furniture.

A Minnesota power plant leaked 400,000 gallons of radioactive water, and it still tastes better than LaCroix.

Yeah, I said it.

So a deadly fungus was spreading at the beginning of the year across the U.S.

Great, I thought great.

We've gone from standing in line for vaccines to standing in line for Tenakton.

Tough Acton, Tenakton.

The typical family spends just six hours together a week.

But with a little effort, most families are confident they can get that down to about four hours.

There you go.

That was and is your Hit Runs.

This is the water's wake up call.

They

hit

and

runs?

Well, let's do that right now.

Okay!

So, uh,

people are now asking ChatGPT for medical advice, which sounds dumb, but remember,

They do the same with Dr. Phil.

The Stranger Things creator's new show is about old people battling aliens.

They've gone from ripping off the goonies to ripping off cocoon.

Gail King and Charles Barkley will host a new primetime show on CNN, but don't worry, it won't interfere with Barkley's other job, making fun of Shaquille O'Neal.

The CEO of NBC Universal has been ousted after he had an inappropriate relationship.

Turns out he was having an affair with an NBC employee who is, multiple choice, A, an intern, B, his secretary, or C,

Alf.

That's a toughie.

Scarlett Johansson says she's done with the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

So I guess that's two reasons to stop watching those movies.

Heavy marijuana use increases schizophrenia in men.

Now you know why Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson think they're brothers.

The Eldest Millennials will be turning 43 this year.

So get ready to see a lot of people complaining about back pain while wearing skinny jeans.

A design firm in Japan redesigned beer cans to give you the perfect beer to foam ratio without tilting your glass.

And Americans will completely waste it by filling those cans with Coors Light.

That's a refreshing change to hear news involving beer cans not being shot up by Kid

Rod.

Yeah,

there you go.

That's all

I got.

What's

been going on throughout the year?

Stop the presses.

Imagine

the

headlines.

What headlines are we talking about?

Hit and run.

What kind of headline is that?

We'll hit and run

and hit and run and be gone before they know what hit down.

Alrighty, so this comes from scientists who say half of cancers are linked to avoidable risk factors.

Well gosh darn it, I chose a bad time to launch my new product as best as cigarettes.

Not smart waters.

Uh, let's see here.

Oh, I've lost my place.

Where am I?

Am I July?

September or where?

You know, an antibiotic shortage may lead to a syphilis epidemic.

Fortunately, I have something that protects me from sex.

It's my earnings potential in radio.

Trader Joe's is recalling cookies because they may contain rocks.

And now grape nut cereal is suing them for copyright

infringement.

A

South Carolina man under arrest for assaulting a woman by throwing cooked rice at her.

Naturally, he said the charges against him don't contain a grain of truth.

I didn't say the best of the year, I just said year-end addition, okay?

Scientists have developed a new variety of avocados that's easier to harvest.

However, it's going to cost 16 bucks to get one spread on a piece of toast.

A new study shows that remote workers work longer and harder.

It's probably because they don't have to waste time in the office discussing weekend plans in the break room.

A new report suggests the US meat supply chain could cause the next pandemic.

Scientists are especially worried about Arby's new roast bat meat sandwich.

So

stay away from that if

you can.

Xbox unveiled a pizza scented game controller.

An inedible hunk of pizza scented plastic.

It's not really new.

I mean Domino's has been selling that for years.

So Trader Joe's is recalling two cookie products because they may contain rocks.

It could have been worse.

They could have contained raisins.

Yeah, raisins.

NASA wants to start planning to probe Uranus.

For a punchline, please ask a seven-year-old boy near you.

And do you know where you'll find him?

Uranus?

That wasn't that good.

It was juveniles and what it was.

Sylvester Stallone and Jennifer Flavin are divorcing after 25 years of marriage.

Sources say the last few years of their marriage have been, wait for it, rocky.

Thank you.

And finally, Mick Jagger turned 80 over the summer.

These days, he still can't get no satisfaction unless he uses Viagra.

That's

right.

Okay, that's all I got.

This is the Waters Waco Call.

Thanks Ryan, classy!

I'll

remember last fall, you will.

Well, gas prices continue to rise.

It makes me so angry I want to punch a hole in the wall.

But the price of spackle in house paint is also up, so I don't want to spend more money than I already have to.

Astronauts accidentally dropped a tool bag during a spacewalk, and by the way, tool bag in space would be a perfect name for a film about Elon Musk.

A new report claims that no place in the U.S.

is safe from climate change.

Except for the space between Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Garner.

Something tells me that's gonna stay icy for quite, quite a

while.

Quite a while.

Dr. Ruth, you remember Dr. Ruth?

Westheimer, she's still around.

I know, I know.

She's been named New York State's honorary ambassador to loneliness.

Kind of ironic for a woman who's spent like, I don't know, eight decades encouraging us to take part in...

Uh, boy, how should I say this?

Uh, loan-rangering?

You know what I mean?

But not necessarily a loan in a small studio with a plastic fork.

I'd like to make that perfectly clear.

A gospel singer was almost removed from a Delta flight for singing.

But then who wouldn't ask for help from Jesus before flying Delta?

A plane flying out of New York City had to turn around shortly after takeoff when a horse, that's right, a horse got loose on board.

The horse is said to be in stable condition.

Stable.

All right.

Well, the horse should have flown American Mare Lines.

Get

a Mare Lines.

Okay, you like that one.

Thank God.

Jurassic Park is returning to theaters in 3D.

It's so realistic you can actually see the money fly off the screen and into Steven Spielberg's pocket.

Britney Spears recently declared she's done with Botox.

For more on this story, Google things that differentiate Britney Spears from Courtney Cox.

Mark Cuban says success really has nothing to do with how much money you have.

And a lot of millionaires and billionaires say that.

And probably so we won't string them up when the revolution comes.

That's what I'm thinking.

And finally, West Virginia is the most obese state in the country.

People there are so chubby that part of the population has their love handles spilling across the border into Virginia.

That's how obese West Virginia is.

All right,

that's all I got.

I never saw him.

He's

basically hitting me.