Who used all the Wi-Fi?
Ah, apartment life.
Bad Wi-Fi, mystery laundry piles, and a roommate who says, I'll Venmo you.
Maybe 2027 deserves an upgrade.
Coming August 2027, Four Lakes Properties introduces the brand new Union Station Apartments, furnished in-unit washer and dryer.
Internet included a great central downtown location, one to five bedroom apartments, and no double occupancy fees.
That's less adulting and more actually enjoying where you live.
Union Station Apartments, now leasing from Four Lakes Properties.
Wait, we have a washer and dryer in the apartment?
Let's
check out some hit-and-run headlines and have a little fun with the news.
You know, life expectancy now in the U.S.
has fallen by two years, and the main causes include heart disease, yeah, I can attest to that, cancer, and Will Smith.
Today is National Ex-Spouse Day.
You know, I should call mine.
Eh, maybe not.
But, and for all you children, by the way, of divorce, let me just take a moment to remind you.
Your parents splitting up was 100% your
fault.
Doctors were able to catch the brainwave activity of a man as he was dying.
And I guess as close as they can figure it, he was telling himself, don't poop your pants.
Don't poop your pants.
Don't poop your pants.
Don't poop your pants.
That's what I'd be telling myself.
Today is also National Dolphin Day.
And that's the sea mammal, not the perennial underachieving team in the AFC East.
Get it?
Get it?
All right, one gets it, thanks for that.
And you know, speaking of dolphins, stop it, stop it.
One attacked a trainer during a show at the Miami Sea Quarium.
It was the worst performance by a Miami dolphin since the team lost seven games in a row last season.
And the trainer claims it was an accident, but eyewitnesses say it looked like it was on purpose.
All right, enough of that, enough of that.
Admission at all national parks will be free on April 16th.
You know, in case you want to throw yourself off a cliff after doing your taxes.
Megan Markle and Prince Harry.
Yeah, they may purchase a home in New York City.
They have not said why they're relocating.
You know, I'll go out on a limb and rule out jobs.
Curb your enthusiasm.
One of my faves is returning for a 12th season because Larry David refuses to let Alopecia keep him down.
Thank you, thank you.
Jennifer Lopez says she was naked in a bathtub when Ben Affleck proposed, which was slightly awkward because Affleck was also in the bathtub giving a sudsy back rub to Matt Damon.
Usain Bolt says Mario Kart helped him become an Olympic champion.
Well, if that's true, then my kid should have more medals than Michael Freakin' Phelps.
I'll tell you that.
There you go.
Those are your hit-and-run
headlines.
All the Wi-Fi!
Ah, apartment life.
Bad Wi-Fi, mystery laundry piles, and a roommate who says, I'll Venmo you.
Maybe 2027 deserves an upgrade.
Coming August 2027, Four Lakes Properties introduces the brand new Union Station apartments.
Furnished, in-unit washer and dryer.
Internet included, a great central downtown location, one to five bedroom apartments, and no double occupancy fees.
That's less adulting and more actually enjoying where you live.
Union Station apartments, now leasing from Four Lakes Properties.
Wait, we have a washer and dryer in the apartment?
And now the waters wake up call with this morning's five things you didn't know you needed to hear.
So getting your news from the town trauma.
All right, listen up.
Yeah, I got, I just read two studies and they backed up the idea that speaking more than one language keeps your brain young.
So speaking more than one language, so being fluent could help delay things like dementia and Alzheimer's by an extra five to seven years.
So if pig latin and dirty are considered languages, I'll be effin ein fey.
I will I'll just be fine.
All right, so the Loch Ness Monster.
Are you scared of the Loch Ness Monster?
No, we...
We're nowhere near Scotland for goodness sakes, but I've got maybe an explanation for what the Loch Ness monster really is.
I, you know, I hope so because this is, this is pretty hilarious.
Okay, you ready?
There's a story making the rounds about how the creature we all know as Nessie might be something completely different.
They're saying it could be a whale's weiner.
Now these are scientists talking about this, not me,
Nope, not immature, Mike Waters.
It's actually people who know things about stuff.
So some whales mate in pods of three with two males and one female.
The second male often stays at the surface and flaps its enormous, you know, in the air.
And from a distance, it does kind of look like a weird sea creature poking its head out.
But, you know, the whale, you know what, theory
has been around for a little while but it's in the news because a professor in it so a whale would have to swim six miles up river to make it from the ocean into Loch Ness but it sounds like maybe it's a possible you know after a big flood or or when water levels are high
Yeah.
You know, everybody's in an uproar in Brazil for the country's military.
I don't know about the whales, but the country's military it definitely has.
So lawmakers, media, and citizens, the official reason for the purchase of over 30,000 pills is to treat pulmonary hypertension.
Yeah, sure it is Brazil.
Sure it is.
Alright, here's a pretty cool little story right here.
Pretty good news for a Pennsylvania family.
They lost their pet cockatiel like three years ago, and then a rare looking bird arrived recently at the front porch of a church.
The pastor caught it and had pictures posted on Facebook to find the owner.
Well, the family was pretty sure it was their bird Lucky, but told them to test it with the Andy Griffith Show theme song because that used to make Lucky dance.
Well, sure enough, the bird began to bob up and down when the whistling began and sounded, I think it all sounded like
this.
So there you go.
Let's end with a nice cockatiel story.
There you go.
The five things you didn't know you needed to hear on a Thursday morning.
This show is a disaster.
I know.
I can't stop listening to it.