3-25-26 TP5 Iowa Basketball Jokes / The New Chuck Norris Jokes

Tom Garland is with us, stand-up comedian.

How often have you been to like a tropical place like the Bahamas?

A couple times.

Okay.

A couple times on cruises and stuff like that.

I don't know, is Florida considered a tropical place?

Weather-wise, yes.

Yeah, lots of stand-up going on in Florida.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, there has to be a lot of clubs.

I mean,

there's a lot of clubs, a lot of tourism, that sort of thing.

Yeah.

I

mean, you got to do something before you get on the cruise ship or

something like that.

But in this case, the Bahamas, in this, you think you got it bad segment this week.

New study has found that the sharks near the Bahamas were found with cocaine and caffeine in their system.

Environmental scientist Dr. Tracy Finara talks about the issue.

With cocaine sharks take a listen to this

When it comes to sharks on cocaine or exposed to other human chemicals, well, we're seeing that that's happening more and more.

A recent study just showed that a number of different shark species have been exposed to a number of human chemicals from wastewater flows.

Their metabolism slowed down when breaking down lipids, and also they used more energy to detoxify themselves.

So it is problematic, though, we're not going to see sharks like going crazy on cocaine.

Won't we?

They're already crazy, I guess.

I like how she said, this is happening more and more.

And I was like, well, it is addicting.

I mean, sharks don't have noses.

So what

are they doing?

They just put their gills to the sea floor

and

just.

I wish I didn't know this, but you cannot.

There's more than one way to ingest cocaine, Brian.

It's not just up your nose.

Oh, you can you can eat it.

You can.

I can.

Oh, yeah.

OK.

You can you can smoke it.

Okay.

It's crack cocaine.

All right.

Yep.

So

well, I learned something in my eighth grade dare class from Mr. Hane, who was a gym teacher.

He said cocaine's addictive and it will ruin the rest of your life.

And I listened to Mr. Hane.

So, I don't know anything about

this.

It will ruin the end of your life.

Oh.

The beginning will be super fun.

There is a fun portion of that.

Don't, you know, you're always here recovering at it like, oh, did it ruin my life?

You're like, you had some good times along the way.

Okay, right.

I'll take your word for it.

I like the idea of a bunch of, yeah, I just outed myself.

The cops are like, he's in the radio station, get on there right now.

The agent's kicking down the door.

We needed this Tom Garland for some time.

Go, go, go.

I like the idea of a bunch of sharks piled into a bathroom stall.

You're going to hear us.

Imagine if this was Viagra, though.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, instead of having cocaine, you suddenly have a bunch of horny sharks just going around in circles.

And instead of fins above the water, you got

Shark weens It's like what's that over there well

That looks like that sharks are ready for some action.

They're certainly ready.

Yeah, I guess so

when they circle the boat Maybe that's what they're doing.

They're not you know, they're not trying to eat people.

They're just trying to get bottle service I'm just trying to network I'm trying to meet people

I like the name Jaws, too.

That really starts to describe cocaine a lot better.

Now the name makes sense.

Yeah, Jaws.

Snorts.

Grinding the teeth.

Bumps.

Bumps.

It's top five Tuesday on the Rock 108 morning show.

Straight up seven o'clock and today's top five Tuesday was stand-up comedian Tom Garland who's local on top of that too now.

I mean you're back from Vegas have been for a little bit but yeah

You are going back to Vegas going back,

baby.

I'm going to be there April 10th and 11th at they call it the downtown comedy lounge.

I'm headlining.

It's a club inside Neonopolis right on Fremont Street.

Do you have any concerns about your travel?

Not from Cedar Rapids, but coming back to Cedar Rapids, you know, dealing with ice agents instead of TSA.

No.

Well, I think I'm actually like I.

I think I'm connecting actually on this one.

I can't I can't do the Allegiant anymore.

I'm a big guy, Brian.

I can't be pexing like a sardine.

So I think I connected Chicago.

So if there's somewhere where it would get screwed up, it's out of here on the way there and on the way back.

But I'm actually I'm flying in a day

early and flying out a day late.

Look at you being smart about these types of things.

You also have a local show too, which we'll talk about here in a second.

It's at Tom Garland stand up dot com.

But I'm a little

Concerned maybe that today's top five might include the passing of one Chuck Norris.

Yeah, man.

Chuck Norris,

dude,

RIP.

Here's the thing with Chuck Norris.

What a crazy career.

And people have different feelings about him.

But what an enigma to have a whole style of jokes after considered your jokes when he wasn't a comedian.

you

know, at

all.

And so that's just such an anomaly.

He has to be the one of the only people with that.

You remember these, the Chuck Norris facts.

Yeah.

The memes before memes

happens, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you remember one of

them?

Um, I remember it was more of a Vin Diesel joke.

Okay.

If you rearrange the letters of Vin Diesel's name, it's his credo.

I end lives.

Yeah.

And so those were how they went, right?

The Chuck Norris facts.

They were like that.

There were some for Vin Diesel.

There were some for Mr. T. Yeah.

But I think it all started with

Chuck Norris.

Yeah.

What was underneath his beard?

Another fist.

Yeah.

But now that Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar.

There were no survivors.

You know those type of ones, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

I remember those.

So kind of to parlay that the Iowa basketball team, they're going to the sweet 16.

You see this, this is incredible.

And so now I think the torch should be passed on.

Chuck Norris is gone, rest in peace.

And now the jokes should shift to this Iowa basketball team, the phenomenal first sweet 16 since 1999.

So that's my top five for today.

These are the top five Iowa basketball facts, Chuck Norris style.

Number five, President Trump invited the Iowa basketball team.

to the White House, but they declined the invite because they were already inside.

Wow!

They were just hooping it up in the ballroom.

Full

garrison in the

oval office.

These are top five Iowa basketball facts.

Chuck Norris style.

Number four, speaking of the government, the U.S.

government says alien and UFO disclosures are coming, but the Iowa basketball team says don't worry.

They plan to beat them with Bugs Bunny.

A Space Jam

reference.

Yeah.

It's so

early.

Get LeBron out of there.

What

was that?

Babs.

These were these are top five Iowa basketball facts.

Chuck Norris style.

Number three, Iowa doesn't need NIL deals, Brian.

You pay them in fear.

Oh.

Beer

and

beer.

Cheers.

Jeffery Colch, McCullum, he'll stare you down.

Okay, Casey's Pizza instead of

that.

Oh yeah, yeah, breakfast

pizza, right?

Yeah, we'll wait till after the tournament to have a beer.

These are the top five Iowa basketball facts, Chuck Norris style.

Number two, if you didn't have Iowa going to the sweet 16 on your bracket, check it again, it's now a written apology.

The bracket just changed, Jumanji style.

Yeah, I'm in trouble.

And

these were the top five Iowa basketball facts Chuck Norris style number one Chuck Norris didn't die.

He's just in the transfer portal to pay to play for Iowa.

Nicely done.

Thank you as I stumble over it transfer portal jokes always make me smile.

The Rock 108

morning show.