Welcome everybody to Midday magazine for this Thursday, September 12th, 2024.
Have our host James here and we are joined by one of our favorite people, Jackie Carentini,
Human Development and Relationships Educator with UW-Madison Extension Wood County.
Jackie, how you doing? Good. I appreciate you being here. Always enjoyed talking with you, Jackie.
And we appreciate so much of the information you have shared with us over the years.
Today we're going to touch on a subject, a planning ahead. And this is an important one,
and in our kind of pre-game here, as we were talking, I had to kind of get right to the recording.
Because for one, if I stop, I'm probably not going to say what I'm about to say.
But also, I have a tie into this too. In the last, I would say it was almost a year ago now,
but it doesn't feel like it. We lost my papa, my grandpa. And he was my last grandparent.
He helped raise me. He meant a lot to me. And we, the men in my dad's side of the family,
we are very the same money of us. And we are all planners. We are all people that like to have
things in order and like to take care of people. It's a big part of who we are. And it's a big part
of our identity. And we also love football. And this week, my dad and I did not see this coming.
But this has been a really hard week. It's the first time in either of our lives, the football
season starting. And I told the audience this already. I picked up my phone at least three or four
times just in the last two weeks to call him and realizing, oh, he's not there. My papa was,
as I mentioned, a planner and knew that the end was coming and was preparing for that for years,
leading up to it. And then we lost him. And then a bunch of chaos happened because he thought he
had so many things planned, but there were so many things that as smart as he was and as good
as a planner as he was, he didn't have set up. So now my dad and I find ourselves wanting to do
some of these for him and have them set up. So my brother and my sister and I don't run into some
of these similar problems. I know that this one not only touches you and many people out there
listening, but it's a topic that, boy, you get into this one and the future you is going to be
so thankful for this. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, thank you for sharing that. So a couple of things. One,
I'm going to, before we, one of, so planning ahead is an eight part series. And that seems like
really long time, right? So eight hours and you're like, oh, it's a huge commitment. I will
guarantee you that almost every person says I wish it was longer. The average is people are taking
it two to three times because there is so much. So just like you said, that is norm. But I love
that you mentioned the grief fees. So most of our series is on planning, but there is one of the
sessions is on grief. And you, that's a perfect example of what we say is you don't know when
it's going to hit you, right? And it could be the next day. It could be five years down the road.
It could be a memory. It could be an event. Like you said, like football. And so even just talking
about that and letting people know that yeah, you could be tooling along for an entire year. And
then all of a sudden gut punch and, you know, totally takes your sales on like holy smokes.
I'm back day one. Like it just happened yesterday. And that is normal, right? Like that is normal.
I had to slow the graphic I use. And it's like how we want grief to be straight line A to B
beginning. And how grief really is is all over the place. And it goes slipping back and forth
in circles and spins and because it's messy, it's just messy. And you don't know when it's going
to come out and hit you. And so part of it is, yeah, it's nothing. I can't prevent it. And I can't
tell you when it's going to hit you. But we do talk about is exactly that that yeah, this might come.
It might you might be good right now. And then something might happen. And holy smokes,
you are literally back at like day one step one. So we do spend some time on that. So even if
the you think you're super planned and ready to go with everything else, just the grief stuff is
good because it gives us a coping tools too. We're going to talk about some really important things
today and some really helpful things for you. But we have already come out the gate. Jackie has
already come out the gate with a really important note. It's okay. Yeah. Yeah. How everybody
grieves differently. And whenever you feel these things, it's okay to I appreciate that reminder
because even though I've talked to you enough to know better, I still had to remind myself of this.
I had actually had your voice in my head last week going going through reminding me that it's okay
that that is something that's important. I appreciate that note. Yeah. It's again, and I think we
don't talk about it enough. So if you didn't hear that and you're like, oh, Garsher, because I hear
a lot of people say this about enough time or not enough time or, you know, right? Like if it's
a spouser significant other like, oh, my gosh, so much time has passed. Why haven't they got on
or dealt with it? It's been five years, ten years. Some people may never get past it, right? And
some people might find someone else too excited and people are like, oh, my gosh, that's so fast.
They didn't even grieve. Maybe they didn't, right? You don't know. And so it is different. There
is no right or wrong. It's messy. Again, it can take your, you know, take the wind out of your
sails and you don't know when it's coming. And it, usually that's when it's the worst. When is it,
it is a memory. It's an anniversary. It's a smell. It's a, you know, a picture, a bird, a sound.
Like all of these things, you don't know when it's coming. And so that is the piece. So that's,
we do spend a lot of time talking about that. That, like, that is okay. And then what do you do?
And how do you turn it into something from sadness to something good, right? So then let's use that
memory into knowing that if we can remember something positive, a happy memory, a smell, a sound,
you know, their voice or, you know, actions that you did together kind of thing that, again,
and you and I've talked about this, you get the same happy hormones released in your head as
when you were actually there. So although it is a sad anniversary and it's a sad moment, you still
get good stuff and use it for that, right? So kind of not necessarily trick your mind because you
still grieve. You're training your brain. That we can get good stuff out of this too. So our,
our minds, our bodies are pretty amazing. And yeah, that is pretty cool.
You know, it is natural to to miss and to feel sorry or sad about people when we lose them,
but it's great to get early on training your brain to when you think of these people,
you don't just immediately become sad that you think of happy memories first in your brain.
You're so right. The brain is amazing the way it can do when you give it an opportunity to do
these things and you stay on that stuff. That's nice that you talk about that in there. Flip it
out of tight and go to the gratitude. So I don't, but I do or I did what we did have. And again,
then your brain flips it. But with that said, I will say one of the things we also talk about is
if you can't and you are stuck in that point where I can't get past it and I think the word
wallowing comes out as a negative. But if it is so deeply affecting you and you're not transitioning
out, seek help. There is nothing wrong with asking for assistance because sometimes we do need
someone else helping us to see the good stuff and to see that life goes on because sometimes,
again, grief can be so overwhelming and all-encompassing that we can't get out of it on our own.
So do know that most people, you know, there's no, I wish there was a magic wand and I could tell
you how long it would take, but there isn't. But there also if there is to the point where you
don't think you can do it on your own, there is help. So know that there's nothing wrong with asking
for assistance and seeking out help if it is beating you up on a day-to-day basis and you can't
see tomorrow or I can't see life without that person. With the chaos that is, you know, grief
and not knowing when it's going to happen or where it could rear its ugly head or any of these
kind of things, it's all the more reason why when you can plan certain things to get those done and
you have that taken care of the best you can so that when this, you know, the entropy of life
happens and whatever like me, you know, let alone grief, you're that much more prepared and okay,
well I got that covered, I got that taken care. Absolutely. So thank you for saying that. So that
is absolutely true. So I love your example. I was going to share an example too of I've had several
folks, friends and family in my life the last couple of ones that have passed away unexpectedly
and actually all heart attacks. So none were expected, but it's one of those where in one of the
scenarios it was my aunt and although it was unexpected because everybody was very deep in grief,
everything that was already done was ready to go. And I'll give an example, we talk about a lot.
So again, this series is eight sessions and a lot of times when I especially with older adults
and I say, you know, this is what it is and I'm like, oh, I got that done. I got that done, right?
I have a will. I did my power between her healthcare. I prepaid my funeral at the funeral home.
Okay, that's all good. That's all great. But what else, right? Like what about the rest of it?
So there's the organization piece, there's the sharing piece, there's the the crap in your house piece,
like the house piece, like there's all these other things. But so I'll go back to my aunt.
Her and her husband ended up with COVID and then she had a heart attack. They didn't find her
for a period of time. So she was unconscious in a coma or brain dead. And it came to the point
where they were going to have to make the decision. Do we take her off? And it was great. So great,
not in a good way, but I had said to my dad, I'm like, well, did she have her papers filled out?
And he said, yeah, she did. And he's like, well, it doesn't make a difference. And I said,
oh, my gosh, pause. Let's talk about this. I said, so the decision is now not on their only
surviving daughter and the guilt to have to turn off the machine because her mom already had told her
and had a copy of the piece paper that said, yes, if this happens, I do not want to be kept alive
by the machine. So it's mom talking, not the daughter. And my dad goes, oh, that's true. Like what a
huge relief. And so that's the kind of thing that I want you guys to think about. I want everybody
to think about that. Yeah, it's great that we fill this out, but you are giving your family a gift.
That mother, my aunt gave her daughter the gift of not having the guilt or to make the decision
to do this, right? It was in writing in the mother's own, you know, word, she signed it saying,
nope, I don't want this. Wow, that's amazing. That's a beautiful gift, right? And then the same
thing kind of moving forward. So again, kind of again, unexpected death. We're planning for it,
but what about your stuff? What about all the junk in your house? So this particular woman was a
crafter. So she literally had three rooms full of fabric and crafts. And she was also a collector
of glass items. And it's amazing when we think the value of the things that we have because they
have memory, they have sentimental value, you paid a lot for them. You might have paid thousands
of dollars for this vase. But when it comes to having in a state sale, the reality is it might go
for five dollars, right? Yeah. And so part of this is is thinking through that stuff. So if you have
already done your will and you've done your powers, powers of attorney for health care,
finance, that's great. But then take that next step of what do you have left? So have you already
taken steps to clean the stuff out in your house to gift or sell the things that you know are valuable
or have super memories, you know, so connecting with, you know, the grandson and saying, hey,
what's the, you know, the thing that means the most to you, I want to make sure that you get it back,
right? And building those things in because someone else after you're gone, it doesn't have that
power. They won't be able to do it. Yeah, somebody can walk through your house and take what they
want, but it's not the same as you sharing the stories or the memories together or that you want
them to have this. Like, that's powerful. So I, you know, if you're looking for a winter
task, you know, go through the first step is, you know, super easy, you know, kind of keep toss,
donate, and go through stuff. I don't know if you've ever had to go through someone's house,
but, you know, going through someone's 20 years of, or 40 years of tax returns and looking for
savings bonds or looking for, you know, stock that they have from their first job in 1940.
No, you do not want to put that on anyone, right? So part of it is, is getting your stuff not only
getting rid of stuff so that keep donate toss, but then organizing what you have left. So, you know,
we just, I personally went through this, my dad, the bank, he banked that and had a security deposit,
our box at, close. And so they called him to come and get his safety deposit box. And so it comes
home to me and he's like, oh, should we go through this? And I'm like, like, you're letting me look at
your safety deposit box. Like, I'm like, well, what would be in there? You know, whatever, oh my gosh,
this man had 50 years worth of all of our birth certificates. He had death certificates. He had
savings, but he had all this stuff. And I'm like, oh, holy smokes, I would have never thought to go
to the bank to get that, that that stuff would be in there. Right? He had deeds, he had titles,
like, what, like all of this stuff. A lot of family. Yes. Yes. Like good stuff. And so part of that
is, yeah, where is your stuff? So one, you know, decide what you're going to get rid of, then
organize what you have. And then, yeah, make a list of where it's at. You know, so where is it?
And I know I work with, you know, older adults and a lot of people are very private and they're like,
well, I don't want to tell anybody. You don't have to tell anybody. So that's the amazing part
of our planning ahead curriculum is we have these amazing checklists. We have all the works. And
you can get the book. You get a great book. So you can tell your loved ones. I have it all done.
It's all where everything is, all of my passwords, because everything's digital now, right?
I have it all. It's in this location. This is where it's at. Something ever happens to me.
Look at my sock drawer. Look at my safety deposit box. Look in the, you know, safe in my closet,
like whatever it is. Or there's a shoe box. I don't care what it is, but that's the benefit.
So some people come to our series. They think they got all the stuff done. And they do,
but just for that, just to get a worksheet to know where all my pass codes are. Contact information.
Where do I volunteer? Who, you know, who are my friends? Who needs to be notified? Who needs to be,
you know, all that stuff? I don't, I feel like I'm very close with my dad. I would not know that.
I do not know the name of the person at the Nights of Columbus that I need to notify, you know,
right? Or the person that he goes and he, what's it called when you take horns off or be
warning? Yes, yes, yes, or who he bills paid for. It's like, I don't know that. I wouldn't know
that. So that's all stuff that's in here as well. So even, you know, if you haven't started yet,
come because we can get you started on big things. If you've already started and you think you've
done some things with a great checklist for you to tally where you're at. And then help you organize
and again, how to put it all together into one nice neat book so that you can hand it off to
someone else. And it is that gift that you give your loved ones. Jackie, I always value our
conversations. I greatly appreciate you sharing this one today. My heart goes to you and yours.
And thank you for that. I do think of a couple of things that you mentioned with this is great
of a program as this is I can only imagine that it's had to grow over the years and include certain
things. All the stuff you mentioned is is very noteworthy and great to have on that list. One
thing I don't know if he's on there or not, but has come up for my family in the last year with
my papa. And and I would have never thought about this, especially with him who was in his 90s when
this happened. His his Facebook password. Oh, yeah. You know, like like a cool right on because
that's one of those little things. There's so much of what we plan for. We got the will. We got
the big things down and we think we're good. But there's those gray areas that we don't think of
in things like that that were again. He was a master planner and this man was really good at
making lists and even he didn't think of stuff like that where hey, we get his password. We can go
on there and let his friends and family know, you know, what is going on. Some of those things to
kind of the modern issues that we have with this kind of list and something like this. I think
that's cool that that's on there. I had a feeling it was. I would have brought it up off air if I
wasn't sure to be honest with you. But one other thing that I do want to really hit on real quick
care and and I don't mean this I mean this lovingly and I say this as somebody who is very proud
of my family and everything. My mother has a black belt and Jewish guilt. She is a master at it
and and whatever creator race you are out there, your family has guilted it too. And so I don't
mean to play the guilt card on parents, but as a parent and as well as one that has kids in their
mid 20s and getting older, I'm learning more and more. You never stop being a parent. You never
stop parenting. And as a parent, one of our jobs is to prepare our kids and have our kids set up.
So if you're not going to take this class for any other reason, I'm going to pull up Jewish
guilt card and I'm going to try that. I want you to do it for those reasons too. And I say that
again jokingly and lovingly, but I do think that this is something that everybody should take,
a class that everybody should take. Yeah. And it actually is designed for anyone over the age of 18.
Yeah. So, you know, I have young kids at college and these are things that yeah, as soon as you turn
to 18, this could happen to anybody. So yeah, your advanced directives need to be filled out. You
need to have these conversations because you're right. Some rights as a parent and as soon as they
become an adult. And again, we don't talk about this stuff. It's not common knowledge, but it should
be. It should be. I probably shared with you before, you know, every time I go on a girl trip with
my sister and nieces and we're all together and it's like, I pick up only topics. And I'm like,
okay, do you want to be buried? Do you want to be cremated? You know, what do you want? Do you
want a memorial? Do you want this? Like, is there anything special? Anything fun that would make,
you know, remind people to think of you as, you know, whatever. And you learn so much about people.
You learn so much about what is important to them or what they remember about someone else passing
away, things like that. So it's good stuff. We need to normalize having conversations so that it's
not a big secret because guess what? Every one of us is going to die. We are. And so we need to
start talking about it. Very well said, Jackie. Very well said. With the planning ahead program,
people want to sign up. How can they do that? Do they need to register for it? Yep. So two things,
one, the book is available to everybody and you can get a free online version. And so it's actually
a fillable PDF so that you can, you know, keep it going as you change. So I can email people
that. Otherwise, we do have a new series starting in October. It'll be on Friday afternoons from
two to three. We're going to try a different day the week and time of the day. It is at Macmillan.
You do have to register because I do have to get materials and everything ready to go.
So it'll be Friday's starting October 4th for eight weeks from two to three PM at Macmillan
on the second floor. To register, you call the extension office. It is seven, one, five, four,
two, one, eight, four, three, seven. Again, seven, one, five, four, two, one, eight, four, three, seven.
And Jackie, if people want to reach the reach out to you in particular, is that also the best way
to do that? Yeah, that gets you there. And then like I said, if somebody wants me to email the
PDF version or just more information, yeah, all available. Quickly. And I apologize I meant to
ask this earlier. If I'm only able to take a couple of the classes, I'm not able to take all the
classes. Yeah, absolutely. So we know that lives are busy and it's a really long series. But you do
get the whole book, you get all of the materials. And I do for once that you miss, I do give people
the PowerPoints and the materials in case they can't come to it. Or if you feel like I already have
this done, I don't need that part. But I want to come for this, you know, other pieces. And the
week one is just an overview of the whole series. So that's usually a really good one too.
Love catching up and talking with you, Jackie. Thank you so much for everything you do in the
community and hanging out with us. We'll talk again real soon. Thanks. We'll have more midday magazine
coming up for you as well. We'll keep it right here at 975 FM 1320 AM WFHR. We are locally grown
radio.
