Welcome everybody to Midday magazine for this Thursday October 24th 2024 have your host James here
We're joined right now by our great friend Jackie L. Carantini associate professor human development and relationship extension educator
We university was constant medicine division of extension Jackie. We have no time for the interview. No, we are just
We appreciate you being here Jackie as always. Thanks so much for the time. How you been?
I'm good good good to hear today. We're talking about end of life planning
We're going to dive into this one you and I were touching in our pregame a little bit here
That we've kind of talked about this in in general sometime for not really specifically directly about this. Yeah, yeah
So we have probably I have for like the last four years a pretty constant
I offer a program called
Planning ahead and
It's something that we found again
About four years ago that extension
Realize that there was a lot of information out there right like you might get something
from your
Doctor that might ask do you know your advanced directives filled out or a funeral home might advertise and say hey
Would you like to preplan for you know and pay for your funeral or do you have a plot no cemetery?
But there wasn't anything comprehensive so enter
Us and we came up with this curriculum called planning ahead
But then even in that in its eight sessions, but the idea is is that there's so much that we don't even cover in there
Because I could spend eight weeks on any one of these topics
So one of the ones um I I shared with you that I was working with some young people yesterday and
Started thinking oh my gosh, we've never talked about like guardianship
And what happens and so I think when we talk about end of like planning we often think older adults right because
Yep, I hope that happens for all of us like knock on wood. I want everybody to live to be you know 80 plus
I don't know if you've watched news lately, and I don't know I feel like
By me it seems like it's like all the time like there's just so many more accidents
I don't know what that is yeah, but um, and so you do see there was one in the news this morning that it was young people
Um, and so it's like okay. Yeah, do you have a plan?
If you you know you know, hopefully you're gonna live for another 40 years, but if you're in your 20s 30s 40s
And you do have children have you thought about what's gonna happen to your kids?
Um, it's that time of year when we do our
Renewal for our insurance and our benefits of it through your employer
So I was also thinking about this because it's a good time to think about
What do you have for coverage?
Do you have some of that and then if you did do you whose name do your beneficiary?
And it then thinking back to your kids is there enough for someone to care for your children?
Is there someone enough to be able to plan um, you know, do they have money for future?
Um, is it you know, do you want them?
Is it school? Are you setting money aside for school?
Is it just for their you know, again, put a roof over their heads?
Things like that. So there's lots of pieces that kind of come into play
So I think this is a good time of year for all of those reasons for us to think about it
When in the years that you've been doing this Jackie and and this topic in particular
Is there something that stands out that we tend to skate over or forget or a great area that stands out more than others when it comes to this?
I think the biggest piece is I think I don't know about you
But when you you know when your kids were little
Did you just think well, of course someone will take care of them
Right, so we just assume that our you know our significant other our parents our siblings our loved ones
Is going to step up and
But when I think about the burden that that might be or that might cause them right so
If you don't have money set aside for that they might not be financially able to do it
Um, and then think about the guilt that that would put on that person
Right if they're not able to and then your child has to go to live with someone else or children that kind of thing
The way I described this to my parents as as much as I did to my kids when I'm trying to encourage them as they're getting older
My daughter is pregnant she's having her first child and I wanted them to start thinking about these things
You know, not necessarily they have to get on it right now, but hey, it's good to have in the mind
Um, we we love animals. We know that this person that we care about they would love an animal
So we buy them an animal, but we we don't often think about well what we're doing and doing that
Hey, here's a responsibility
Hey, here's something you're going to have to pay for here's something you're going to have to take care of
It's the action is is well-hearted, but you have to have a little bit more of a follow through to it
Yeah, um, and so when it comes to again, kids or guardianship and things like that
It's not necessarily about love and I think a lot of times we think it's about love right love for the the parent or the person love for the child
And it's a mm that's not it here like let we're talking about other pieces
So, you know, even if you start with parenting style do they have the same parenting style as you do
So look at that to do they have the same values that you there's no right or wrong here folks
And it's okay if the answer is no you can still love that person, but they might not be
Similar to you in that vein, right? So yeah, so start you know kind of like with parenting style then look at values
Then look at yeah
Do they have a house do they have space do they proximity would your child have to move to another city another state
You know starting over that kind of piece
So these are all things to kind of consider and then when it comes to then you know then there is the legal process like yes
I want you to fill out the forms
If it's not a will there is something Wisconsin a lot of parenting plan you can have in place
To say yes, this is kind of where it's at you do like I mentioned you have the ability with your benefits
To name someone
To a beneficiary I highly recommend everybody has their beneficiaries up to date that's huge very very important
So if you change nothing else this year when you're going through your selections
Please make sure you have beneficiaries designated
But think about that like okay, is there enough that if if something happened to me
Would it be okay, right? Would they be set for a period of time?
And you know what what's in place and so you can think about and it changes as we age, right?
So you know when you were in your 20s 30s and 40s again, we're thinking we're gonna live for a long time
But now it's like okay, I again you know
So you and I are middle-aged and it's like okay, I we have this right?
So yes, I have my house and so then there's this and this is taking care of and right, but then it's like okay
Where would you if something did happen to me and my children who are now in their 20s have to pay for my
funeral where would that come from right would they have access to that?
So thinking about okay, is there is there a policy that you could do that?
Is it savings do you have a savings account is it set aside like these are all pieces to kind of think about
and think through and where that's at?
So I think a lot of times we think about the big stuff when we think of end-of-life planning like okay, I have a
Well, I know what's gonna happen to my house
But we're not always thinking about it of people or you even mentioned dogs or cats or pets
You know like I'm gonna have a plan for your pets like is that something that you thought about
Where you go I have to laugh during COVID if I've ever showed the story with you
um
We started doing everything virtually right and we did these
Three times a week this kind of wellness gathering and it started for colleagues and then we opened it up for the public and
We rotated who was teaching and so one morning
I had this colleague that I didn't know she had been a colleague for many many years
But she was in the northern part of the state and it was just someone that I didn't interact with
and so she as she
Talking I can hear these birds just a squawking and a squawking and a squawking in the background and
I'm like oh my gosh like wow, you know, those are great birds and she goes yeah
No one really told me when my 30 years ago when my kids were little that these birds left lived for 50 to 60 years
Now I can't get rid of them because I feel bad because I bought them for my children
And I've now had them for 30 years and it was like oh
Right like we don't think about that like this isn't like a
Five-year commitment right like this is huge. Here's a pet tortoise
Good lady. What's gonna happen to that and and who has the ability to take them and and to care for them
And to have the same feelings and commitment that you did right
And so that goes for a lot of our things. So I think that's that's just that kind of piece
So I think the important piece when we're talking specifically about things like guardianship or any of your plans is having conversations
You and I have talked about this in previous years. We're coming up on the holidays
And no one wants to talk about a dying because it's not uh, you know, it's just everybody's like totally taboo like
Stop that don't talk about that like that kind of if we say it it's gonna happen or we're gonna bring it on kind of bad
Nope, I think when you're a gathering you can even do it in a nonchalant way like hey, have you thought about this um or you know
I was thinking about this what about you
Because as you said with your conversation with your parents it pertains to anybody over the age of 18
And so if we start having these conversations when our families are together when you're riding in the car when you're sitting down to dinner
It doesn't have to be oh, I did my will. It's just like hey, you know what?
I if something happened to me tomorrow, and I am unconscious
What would I wanted you know, I want you to keep me alive, you know via machine
Would you I've never asked you that before do you want to be you know and start having making it open and having some of these
Conversations as a family and remember there's no right or wrong answer
Everyone's feelings and emotions are valid. They're all okay. It's a hundred percent. You know
There's there's no wrong answer, so we can't jump on someone to and you know if they say well no
No, I really don't want to be kept. Oh my gosh. I can't believe you'd say that. Why wouldn't you?
Nope like keep the judgment out of it. Yes
But just have conversations, but it really opens the door so
As you think about your family's gathering in the next couple of months for holidays
I'm not saying do this over Christmas dinner, but you know just you know if you're sitting down after dinner and you're having a glass of what
Yeah, pose a question have a conversation
And the more that you do that the more open that we will be and you're able and you're knowing what other each other's wishes are
And I think the other thing is that I'd probably use the statistics a lot a statistic a lot before
But when we ask nation-wide who thinks it's important that we do end of life planning
It's like 92% of people say yeah, absolutely huge important
Who's actually completed it and done it less than 30 right so you know we're on 22%
Why because it's not normal so the other part of this is that the more that we talk about it
And we bring it out into the open the more likely someone is going to actually do it
We're speaking with Jackie Karen teeny from UW Extension and Jackie and my notes to prep for this my very first thing that I wanted to talk about was how to start this
Conversation I appreciate you touching on that because I feel like like so many things in life
If you could just get started the rest goes a little smoothie or organically
And when doing this I I appreciate so much of what you're giving us and not just examples
But some some really good insight into how to get this going and how to start something like this
And I think that one of the things to think about with this one is one you don't have to overthink it
And and you know your audience know you just pay attention to your audience. You know your family better than anybody
Think about them like my family my mother very dark humor
So I lean into that and it got the ball rolling and sure enough
We're talking about things that I would be afraid to bring up to her just or out of nowhere
But with just a little bit of like you know and I saw a nice breaker kind of thing
It can get the ball rolling and that's all you really need to do you get the conversation started
And you can go ahead and um get into a lot of topics which might not be able to otherwise and yeah
It's a great note about this time of year and not people not wanting to talk about certain topics
But it's also a time of year that we often see relatives. We don't always see and being able to have these
Conversations in person might make them a little bit more organic a little bit more free flowing and and maybe not as
Intense for some yeah absolutely
One of the things I don't think I mentioned yet, but I love to do the the third person
Yes, yes, so it's not us
So if we put it into like I said you can turn on the news and you can see any accident happening
Or saying hey, you know, I saw this on social media. Did you guys see this?
You know if if that was us have you know, have you thought about this? Do you have this done?
Have you you know, or where is your stuff? Where you know, do you have this? Where is it?
I have never really asked you that before
So it use the third person because then it's not we're not talking about our own
Death right and so it takes it on a different level
So it's always nice when it's it's one step apart
And it's a little bit easier to talk about so that's that's important
I'm gonna come back to our so planning ahead is our curriculum
If you do want we have great checklist. So you said where do we start? We have a checklist called gutting started
And it actually just kind of walks you through I like that because one it's a checklist so you can check off and
Two, it's this idea of he gives you credit for what you've already done
So there are so many topics to this and it seems so daunting that's usually this
Difficulty with starting conversations is the number one reason people don't start
Second reason is it's so overwhelming. They don't know where to start
So when you do a checklist you can be like oh, yeah, I already did that right and it kind of empowers you and you're like
Hey, I can do this and I can keep going so we do have checklist so
This is something you're interested in you can contact our office
We have both paper versions and electronics so I can email it to you
You can have access to it or you can just google
planning ahead
Comment extension and it'll pop up because it'll take you to our free curriculum
So it's out there for anybody so you don't have to come if you are interested
I currently do have a class going on right now on Fridays
So tomorrow we didn't talk too much about this topic today, but it's advanced directives
Which is usually one that folks like oh, I could hear that again, right?
So we'll be talking um, we need at McMillan library at two o'clock
You can come just tomorrow if you want to come just tomorrow
Um the next couple weeks we also have a state planning
We'll do funeral planning and end of life
And then we end with grief so but if you want to show up tomorrow at two o'clock
We're in the second floor in the meeting room and come on down
All are welcome. We have a very small group right now. So
We can accommodate a lot of more a lot more folks. Well, especially because we know just by
The statistics alone that there are more people out there that really do need to talk about this subject and to really get into this and
And the checklist is I'm a list person so I always appreciate those things
But it one other thing about that just piggybacking on what you said with the especially with the amount of things that you have on that list
So you get one or two things checked off that feels good it empowers you
And we don't think about it very often especially you're in the grocery store you're checking things off
You're not thinking about that
But in your your brain is in your your your dopamine's are and they're feeling good from that and that can also
And carry the conversation a little bit too just feeling good about the next time you talk about these things and
And so much of this too
You're not everything certainly but certain things you're one and done you talk about it
You get it you get it set and and you ain't got to worry about it again. Yeah, absolutely
I think it's it's interesting. I like kind of how you said earlier that you know dark humor
I'm looking at one of our checklist work now. It's called deathbed secrets. You don't want to keep
Yeah, so it it is and I think the more levity that you do bring to it because again nobody is excluded here
This is every single human that's going to deal with us. So no one is left out
But you know, it might just be like oh hey, I never really thought about passwords. Do you have your passwords written down?
Where are all your passwords? Yeah, right? I don't know if I'd have access to that
Um, I don't right look. I know where my ads are. I don't think I have a I don't have a list of where my stuff is right
And so it's that kind of thing so you're right and we do have this ability to you know, check it off and feel like oh
I can do this so the more that we do give ourselves credit for the more motivated we're able to keep going
Again, I think I hear the most common thing I hear from a older adult is oh, yeah, I don't need to do that. I have a will
Okay, what about the rest right? There's so many other pieces and components to it
And then I think the last piece and I think I started off with this today
Is that idea of sharing that so maybe you do have it all done
But if you haven't shared it with people and told people your plan and explained, you know
Why and maybe you don't want to and maybe you don't have to but you at least need to say yeah, this is where it is
It's written down or I have this or it's on my computer
I probably shared this story with you before but just a couple of months ago in the late summer
I had a woman call me and she's oh, you don't know me. I'm from California
I'm here my sister unexpectedly passed away
And I found some of your materials in her house
And I'm like okay, you know, and I said how can I help you and she said well, I just want the answers
And I said excuse me and she goes well, can I have the answers like I went the rest of it
And I said why I don't know what you're saying like what do you mean the answers and she goes well
I found all these blank materials. This is great. I need her answers to it. Do you have a copy of her answers?
Yeah, you know, she's like well, this is exactly what I walked I need all of this
But it wasn't filled up right she never shared her wishes
And so I think that's that piece that yeah, you don't need to go. I know we're all private
You don't need to go sharing your bank account numbers or you know any of that stuff
But if you say yeah, I filled out these materials. This is where it is
I always like to use the software right like something happens to me
It's in my software. I go look at the bottom of my software. It's at least a list of where to go
So it's it's not in a safe. It's not in a where someone has to be able to know what the password is or your safety deposit box at the bank
Or all this kind of stuff like just a it's not all that and it's just a list of where to go directions
Yeah, let people something happens to me. This is where it's at
We've seen this in movies and TV shows you put in the VHS tape and if you're watching this now, I'm you know and all that
This is a version of that. This is a version of that having that to decide that nobody has to see your look at until that time comes
And that time comes for us all and that's that's something that brings us all on the same level
We're all equal. We're all connected in this and and and something that you do these things for your kids
And it is an example to them and they do it for their kids. It's a gift. It's a gift
We always say that it's a gift you give your loved ones because if you went through a daffin
Someone you loved and you're like I always ask like how was it and they're like
It was much like yeah gift think about that the more we have conversations the more you write it down
The more you share your plans. It's a gift. You're giving your loved ones
Jackie before we leave one more time can we remind everybody about that the meeting tomorrow?
Planning ahead um is that the McMillan library?
We're meeting on the second floor in the meeting room at 2 p.m
It's from two to three tomorrow our topic is advanced directives
Next Friday we're doing a state planning if you want to come on down come on down
You don't have to register just show up and it's free. There's no charge tomorrow with advanced directives
We will be handing out I'll give you copies of Wisconsin's advanced directives or straight from DHS
We do it in a very simple way
So it's it's easy to understand and just kind of point blank forms. So it's not like a you know a two-inch binder
But yeah
And if people have filed questions, how can they get in the hole here?
So if you want to give us a call at our office the extension office. It's 7-1-5-261
8-4-3-7
And the website you can check out as well extension.wisk.edu
Jackie always great talking with you. Thank you so much for the time. We'll catch up again soon
Well a more midday magazine coming up for you right here at 97-5-FM 13-20-AM WFHR locally grown radio
