What's up, Matt Town? It's your girl Brandi Grayson on 92.7 FM The Black Convergence Show.
We are live in the studio with my co-host, Kena for the third week in the row. I must
kind of really like her because I keep inviting her every Thursday to join us. If you've been
following, I would just call it a series that we kind of made a series. But if you've been
following us on the Black Convergence Show, we've been discussing different topics, but
mainly the politics in the social constructs, constructs, constraints of relationships
and really the history of relationships, how they were founded in turn, not the history
of relationships, but I think the history of patriarchy and how we've come to, I don't
know, frame our relationships with our intimate partners. So we've been talking about that
and we've been talking about it from the, I would just say from the lens or filter of
the black perspective, right? Because that's what we tend to do on this show. I don't know
if you guys know, but I am black, pretty dark, black. I love being black. But that doesn't
mean that I don't love other people, but oftentimes the conversations we have on this show
is really to offer, I think, a pickable kind of like a, we invite you into our world
because we don't know who's listening, right? So today, we're going to continue the conversation
on Black Convergence Show on 92.7 FM. But today, we're going to switch it up a little bit
and I want to talk and I invite a keynote back because I thought like, you know, last
week, we talked about what black people can do in terms of developing healthy relationships
and how our relationships have been given to us like kind of, you know, I guess the framework
of our relationships, the definition of male, female, masculine, feminine energy has been
defined for us. So we talked a lot about how we really need to look at redefining our
relationships and how we coexist. And one of my biggest takeaways from last week was
we need to come up with agreements. We need to have a conversation with our partners
about what we're agreeing to in relationship to each other. And one of the things that
we were talking about really was poly monogamy and how monogamy is from our perspective
and opinions of the folks that were on the show is really made for men, right? So that
men can marry, um, own control, um, generally speaking women, um, and they could pass their
inheritors on or, you know, have kids with them and they can still have their cake and
eat it too. That's really how our society is designed. That doesn't mean everybody operates
like that. I believe that there are men and women who are, you know, like monogamy. And
also we talked about the possibility of how do you create relationships that allow people
to self actualize some people call it poly, some people call it open. And I think I walked
away with you just have to have agreements based on what works for you because, um, relationships
aren't cookie cutters, right? So today, um, I wanted to kind of transition into surviving
abuse and it's relative to the conversations, um, regarding relationships because often
from the woman's perspective and many women, too many women, um, are surviving abuse, have
survived abuse indirectly and directly, you know, maybe they grew up in a household where,
um, their mom was abusive or their father was abusive or their brother or their uncle,
we're often surviving abuse and also to add, um, men survive abuse, too. So it's not
from the perspective that abuse only happens to women, but generally speaking is disproportionately
happens to women. Um, so I wanted to bring Keenan back to say, hey, let's talk about this
and how abuse is, um, if you're on Facebook, you see Keenan pointed through the window because
her kids are in the office. This is what I'm talking about. So you listen to the black conversion
show. She has two kids in the office with her in the studio and they're running back and forth.
And she's trying to communicate with them in silence with fingers. It's working.
They should get with the model of you don't get you in situ, you know. So, um, anyway,
we want, we're going to talk about abuse and Keenan, I want to ask you, what's your definition
of abuse? Like, how do you define it? Oh, okay. How do I define abuse?
I don't mean so big, so broad. So I would say, me speaking, I think that the way that I would
define it is not limited to just physical, because there are different forms of abuse,
such as mental, physical, emotional, financial, those are the main areas that I think about an
experience. And I think, I think, okay, if I was going to say abuse, I would say maybe without
looking at the webster or something, it's, it's badly using, badly, putting, having a
relationship with someone that is improperly put to use, that is, is it a bad use? Abuse,
abnormal use. Okay. I like it. I like it. Abnormal. And then of course, then that puts you in
the position of what's normal. But then I would say, come back to like the foundations or the pillars
of wellness. Yeah. And holistic. So, so abuse can be defined as anything that harmed you,
that's against, like, you don't give consent to. Like, I don't think, and that's, that's part of
the definition from my perspective, because I don't think we give permission to people to manipulate
us, try and manipulate us, lie, cheat, abuse, and just, and I don't gaslight us, wordsmith us.
It's not like you're sitting with people and you're like, I give you permission to make me feel
crazy. Right. But here's the thing, you don't, you don't, so that's why I say bad use when I'm
thinking about it, because you don't know, even in that position, like, something nobody says,
I have to give them permission to abuse me. Right. But it's the way that the relationship,
the way that it happens, yeah, that it, it gets, it allows it to, it allows it to,
it's improper. Yeah. So abuse is impactful and harmful. Right. So it could be financially,
spiritually, emotionally, mentally. Now, one of the conversations we were having after the show
last week was, I believe white supremacy is predicated on narcissism, narcissistic tendencies and
characteristics and attributes. And what do I mean by that? We exist in the society in this world
where we're conditioned to be a certain kind of way. We're indoctrinated to be a certain kind of way.
And attribute of narcissism is this idea of the person sometimes embodies these ideas that I'm
God, right? Like I'm superior. I'm more important than you. And oftentimes folks who are diagnosed with
narcissism are unable to connect with people, I guess emotionally, they cause harm, but they're
disconnected from the harm that they cause. And that reminds me a lot of oppression, right? Whether
it's from men to women or, you know, from, you know, from discrimination or racism, that's what
occurs. It also reminded me of the two, and this might be far-fetched, y'all. But every time I talk
about racism in the last week, I can't help but to think about those two babies in the pond in
some prairie. And the reason I say this is because we had two kids that people who have been following
the news got off the school bus. A little boy went to run on the the water, the water broke and he
fell in and then his brother jumped in to get them. And I'm not going to say what I saw. And I'm
not going to say how I saw it. But what I witnessed with my own eyes was folks standing around
watching these babies die, right? And if that, if those babies, if it was a puppy, everybody,
everybody would have been in that water. And that's the difference. I've seen people jump in
waters for dogs, for goats, for all kind of people. But there's a disconnect between the humanity
of people known as black and people we know as white. And I associate that with narcissism because
that's often how narcissists act. They act in a way where they're disconnected from your pain.
So you could cry in front of a narcissist and say this thing really hurt me when you did this
and you cheated on me and you'd be like, why would you hurt me like that? And they won't be sad
or they won't be harmed by your words. They'll just say, well, I just thought you would never find
out like this disconnect. So I often associate narcissism with racism. And I also associate a lot
with patriarchy. So for my question to you, Keena, is how do you feel about associate in narcissism
with racism or with abuse? Like how did, well, let me back up. How has those kind of attributes
shown up in relationships that you've been in that you have identified as abusive?
So I would say, so I look at it as I know that I hear people a lot of times say like you're a
narcissist, right? And narcissism is a personality disorder that people have attributes of or they
have, right? Or they just have care, strong characteristics, right? And so I think it's important
to make that distinction because you could do one thing, right? Like you could, if you gaslight
somebody, they're going to say you're a narcissist, but that's a narcissistic trait, trait, right?
It's a combination of things. And so, you know, my degree is in psychology. So I go to the DSM,
right? And so there's a set of qualifications that somebody has to have in their personality to
be narcissistic personality for the personality disorder, but you can exhibit in inviting narcissistic
traits. Absolutely. And men are often very narcissistic. And I think that comes from socialization
because men are socialized in this patriarchal society. We see that being instilled in bread in
them from childhood that they are better than women. Then I also think that the disconnect comes
from the manipulation, right? Because a lot of it is the manipulation. So it's the game. So
and when you see men, like men are like, and I'm not trying to be unfair to men. And if anybody's
listening or watching, don't, don't come on. Just don't be fair. And just so you're, you know,
you are listening to 92.7 FM, the black convergence show. So go ahead, Kay. And so, um, I see, I see
it in men, but of course it can exhibit in women. And it does. And if you, and that's even if you
subscribe to gender identity, which is a completely different topic, but we didn't got to be always
political correct. Okay. Yeah. I know we are trying to hold space. Everybody, but let's just
acknowledge everybody ain't trying to hold space for men and women. Okay. But we know what you say.
So when I say that, it is socialized. And then men do, we do see men manipulate. And that's where
I, that's the first thing that I would say where it starts is in the manipulation to, you know,
like, uh, get us, get women to, um, to be devoted and loyal to them. It starts with the stories.
It starts with love bombing. The love bombing. What's love bombing? So love bombing is when,
and this is a red flag. All right. But we don't never see it. I'm talking about. I'm talking about
me. I never see it. I never see it. Because, because when, when it happens, we're thinking, oh my
God, he's so romantic. He pays such attention to me. Look, we could do a poem that, I think we
could do a poem that overlaps with what love bombing sounds like. Okay. Right. Yeah. I'm seeing
that. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like this, like, oh, we talked on the phone for six or seven hours
straight until the morning. He wants to see me every day. Like he brought me, he brought me,
bring me lines. He knows everything about me within two weeks. Right. He said, he, he, he said,
I can see us being together. But why is this important? Because we got it. We have to take a break
in a minute. But I do want to identify why this is important because women are indoctrinated in
this fairy tale way of being in the world. So we're told one day our prince is going to come.
He's going to love us unconditionally. He's going to sweep us off our feet. We're going to ride
a, we're going to ride away on the horseback. And we're going to live every, you know, every,
what do you call it? Every the rest of our Disney land, Disney land. I mean, the Disney movies.
So we're all searching for that and yarning from that because we don't understand that our
idea of marriage and love is actually fed to us through fairy tales, through stories,
to scripts, through movies written by white men, which often opens us up and leave us
vulnerable, y'all. Like it really is a mess. So today on the Black Conversion Show,
we are talking about surviving abuse and we're going to go all over the place because we have
circular conversations. So you want to stay tuned. Don't hesitate to join us.
Dial 608-879-8255. You're listening to 92.7 FM and we'll be back in a minute.
All right. It's the hostess with the most this Brandy Grayson on 92.7 FM, the Black Conversion Show.
We are talking about surviving abuse. We were just talking before break about narcissism and how
it shows up and manipulation, gas, lighting, love bombing. And I think I'm a sucker for love
bombing because I am what others have and books have defined as an empath. And I also am a
recovering co-dependent person. And if you don't know what that means, it's like, let's
go. So co-dependent is like where you feel like my other half completes me. And the goal is
interdependence if anybody is wondering what the opposite or what the balance is. It's interdependence
that you're that's a balance. Right. So you want to be able to be solid and whole without another
person. So I spent most of my young years chasing after dudes and believing that all the effort
that I poured into them was because they were the better half of me. So I spent a lot of energy
building men up, building their businesses up, being their mom was their aunties and their sisters
and doing their work for them. And as I got older, I've decided I'm not doing it no more. Like I
cannot take my energy and poured in you. I need to pour my energy in me and my business in my
world and my desires. But that's a whole other thing. So I'm a recovering co-dependent person.
And I also still have triggers and still have residue and trauma around that. Because when you come
from a background from a traumatic background of abandonment, right, from parents, being in foster
care systems, not having a solid support system, you're yearning for that love, you're yearning
for that daddy figure. So we often women like me seek men who exhibit fly. Exhibify. I've
been messing up work. Exhibify. Simplify daddy characteristic, you know, provider taking care of
you, considering all the things we dream daddy to be, we look for in a man. And then people that
we call narcissists or narcissistic traits. People who have narcissistic personality disorder.
Yeah. Who have it, right? Or the traits. Because you can have the traits and you can be
antisocial, you can have antisocial personality disorder. You can be what's the other one like
a psychopath, you can have psychopath psychopath. Yeah, you can have any of those. And there's a lot of
those people in our community. Absolutely. And one part about surviving abuse as women is that we are
not allowed to talk about these men to each other. So oftentimes these men get to recycle themselves
in our community. And Madison is pretty smart. Not get to, but they do. And they still do. And one of
the things I often wonder is why I had this conversation with you is why we don't tell each other.
And I'll tell you what I told Brandy. I said, actually, when we were talking about it, I was like,
I would never like, well, at that point, I was like, I will never speak publicly about this.
And I wasn't willing to because I knew that if I like, it could be like part of the, part of the
cycle, there's a cycle that if you're in with in with somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder,
somebody who you would call a narcissist, if you are in with them, you are in a cycle. And a part
of that cycle is the discard phase, the devalue and the discard phase of you. And when they are
devaluing and discarding you, they are turning you into the trash that they always thought you were,
that they were always not also envious of. Yeah. I'm sorry. They turning you into the trash that
they feel like they are. Yeah. So they're projecting their blood. A lot of narcissists, we think they're
confident, they're ego driven, but really they're really extremely insecure. And you know who
narcissists are. I'm not, you don't know, but you can identify the traits by just, I don't know.
Watching them, if you pay, if you pay attention then and you start to wonder. And I would say a lot
of it is if there's no clarity, if they give you, if they run you around in circles constantly.
And then you take, go on this cycle, you never have any clear definitions. And there's just
something that's not right. So how do we, you survived it? I've survived it. So how do we,
okay, so that one answer the question. Yeah. How do we survive abuse? Whether it's
narcissists or just main, you know, just write out abuse of mean, evil, degrading, because there's
also people who just hate women. And there's also women who just hate men. So this, this abuse
doesn't go one way. So I want to say that I've seen women dog men like abuse them physically,
emotional, emotional, emotionally, spiritually. So this goes both ways. But we're speaking,
what we're speaking right now today about what the data says that women are disproportionately
abused, right? And we're disproportionately surviving abuse. And a lot of it is mental and
emotion. So emotionally. So I'm going to ask you, Kena, how have you survived abuse? And how
many abusive relationships have you had? Several. Have you had any healthy ones? I have,
I have had healthy ones. Once I left the last one, and when I knew what I was dealing with,
because having the language, like I love that you always give language and framework, right? And
so having the language and the framework to what you're dealing with empowers and equips you to
be able to recognize it, name it, and then get out of it, right? And so like when, so part,
so like when I earlier, I'm going to run it back real quick, when I said I wasn't going to speak
on it, and I was, I wasn't willing to because part of the devalue, the devalue and the discard
is to tarnish your reputation. And when you're credibility, girl, when I had my baby,
everybody was looking at me sideways because I was already an angry black woman because I was
out in the streets marching, but then I'm leaving this abusive relationship and no one
believed me. Nobody believed me. And then women would say to him, oh, you poor thing. You had
to deal with that. And they was, they, and let me tell you, what will happen is when the narcissistic
person is devaluing and discarding you, they are already running the smear campaign against you
so that when you do ever decide to go and try to tell your story, they have already done a good
job at turning you into a crazy person. So where is women liable? Because there's some accountability
here. There is accountability because we allow these men specifically a Madison to cycle through
our community. I think the part of the accountability, yes, is the secrets. We, we don't talk about it.
And we're embarrassed and reshamed and we are embarrassed. You know, I be embarrassed, I come up
and I be embarrassed that I even chose them. I even made the decision. Part of getting out is
forgiving yourself. That is right. Yeah. Get it. Part of, let me tell you when, because Brandy said,
how do you get out of this cycle? Part of it is you got to tell people about what you're going through.
Yeah. We be so embarrassed and we be like, I don't, I can't believe it. By the time you start to
start to think clear, you're furious and you're at your breaking point. Right. And then you got,
you have to tell people what you're going through. Right. And that's how you like the, the three
steps I did or five, whatever, I asked for help. Ask for help. I blocked. Blocked. It's important.
Everybody else that's associated with them. You, you, you end communication. It's essential
because, and, and I promise you, because they go and say, they will suck you back in and I promise
you they, if they, they're, they're going to know your schedule, you're going to think he loves me,
he's going to fight for me. And, and he will because he knows that you're, that you're thinking.
So yeah, he's going to reach out to family, friends, acquaintances and show up at the places
that he knows you're going to be at. Yeah. Number three. Block. I mean, ask for help,
cut communication and educate and inform yourself. Educate and inform yourself. So hold yourself
accountable. So park going back. Yeah. And right. Oh, number four. Uh-huh. Once you are free from that
foggy haziness that you were in when you were in the web. Oh, my goodness. You have to write.
You got to write everything that now makes sense when it was when it was confusing. You got to write
it. Okay. So that you don't get sucked back in. Write it. Yeah. It is very important to reflect on
what you're going through because when you are in this cycle in the web, one thing we have to
recall and remember is that they've brainwashed us. And usually when you, you're coming from an
abusive relationship and it's about to leave it, you feel unworthy. You feel like you're not good
enough. And they come back and they start loving bombing you and then you start questioning, well,
maybe maybe it wasn't what I thought it was. Or maybe I just didn't give them a chance. Or
let me, I don't want to be that woman that leaves him like his mama did. Yeah. Like every other woman
did because the, the abusive man is telling you that every woman in his life did him wrong and
left him and didn't do right by him. Or someone that you're cheating with like the side chick is
hearing that they're one, their woman or their main chick or wife is the problem. But anytime someone
points outward and blame someone else, you already know they're to blame. You know it, right? So
that's, that's the tip to listen to the words that people are saying, right? And their actions,
right? A lot of times they're incongruent. You're listening to the Black Convergence Show or 92.7 FM
We'll be back in a minute.
Okay. Oh, she was just about to snap. Now you might want to play that little more. Okay, here we go.
Y'all listening to the Black Convergence Show 92.7 FM. Thank you for joining us.
The topic today is surviving abuse. We've been talking about narcissism, narcissistic traits,
personalities, gaslighting, love by me, um, hovering, sucking you out, sucking you in, um,
this card, this card. And one of the things that Kena said before we went to break is we were talking
about before you went to break is why do women come back and why do we stay? And it could be men or
women because it's not absolutely all women. Sometimes men are abusive relationships that we're
describing. But for the sake of our conversation, we're going to focus on the folks we know best.
The women, which, which is us, the women, okay? Hey, man. Um, so Kena, tell us about the chemical
attachment that happens internally when, when we're, um, when we survive or experience abuse.
Okay. So this was mind blowing for me when I found, when I realized, when I found out about this,
but when you are in relationship with an abusive person, you're constantly being put into
this cycle of extreme stress and then extreme love. You're living in these extremes, right?
They will do something terrible to you and then follow it right up with some love, something
some intense, right? Yeah. And so your brain is having these, uh, your brain is putting out
cortisol and oxytocin and it's creating this, this chemical, right? That you associate with
this person and it's very confusing. It's like a high. Yes. It is. It's a, it's literally an
addiction. Yeah. It's an addictive chemical that your brain produces with this person. Yeah.
And sometimes they create it like from, I remember being, and not just my last relationship,
I have, to be honest y'all and transparent, I have, I have, I, in my past relationships,
I haven't experienced healthy relationships, right? In my past. So what I experienced was people
who intentionally created really low situations. For example, if I'm moving, right? If you're moving
to a new apartment and you're with the partner, your, your expectation is that person's going to
help you move. So when I'm about to move, they'll go no show the day of the move. Yep. Right.
Think that was like, why would you do that? You put that on this. It is. You want me? I promise it's on here.
And if we shared our stories, we'll start being like, oh my god, I experienced the same thing
because I tell y'all it's the same personality traits and a different package or a different body.
But like you're, you're about, you're about to have a great celebration. Just say you're,
you're a, you're a business owner. You're running your business. You get to open up your first
office and you're, you're planning this event. Well, your partner, if they fall into this trait or
this way of being, they are no show for you. Yeah. They will always, when it's time to put the focus
in, that was the case for me too. Time to put the focus in. Anytime when it was really time to focus
on you, they had some kind of emergency, some kind of a, excuse the situation and a mysterious
illness that, and so to make it like, I'm so sorry, I can't be there for you. And then, and then now,
guess where your attention is. Right. About them on them and you're sad and you're always focused on them.
And now you can't even celebrate yourself in that moment. And it's very intentional or they'll come
with, well, I just didn't want to be there because I didn't have much to contribute or you know
what's going on in my world. And I'm trying to do my best. So now your conversation with them is,
what can I do to support you? That's right. Right. Because you are, they know, because you are
a compassionate, empathetic, nurturing person. Right. Right. The, you like the perfect person that
they're looking for. Right. So I want all the people that's listening to this show, you're listening
to the black conversion show on 92.7 FM. We're discussing surviving abuse. I want you, if you are,
if anything we're saying is resonating with you, I want you to be gentle with yourself.
Cause this isn't a judgment about you and your choices. This is just to, to say, these are
some signs that you might be in the abusive relationship or these might be some red flags.
You might want to get into discovery or pay a little bit more attention to the person
that you're with. But it doesn't make you a bad person. Doesn't make you wrong because they
suck you back in. And if you're on a place where you're about to leave or you try to leave it
and you end up back and you know, you shouldn't be back. So now you sad because you seem not to be
able to make the right choices or you feel like you, there's no one else because you got kids and
no one's going to love you. So you're just going to settle all those things are lies. Okay,
it's your mind's way of dealing with the trauma. And they haven't planted those messages.
They have subtly implanted them into your mind. They do little, you might not even notice it,
but they do little jabs towards you to either way. And then they might make it sound like,
oh, but it was a joke. Why aren't you laughing? Or they all degrade you. You don't have a sense
of humor. Right. Oh, you. I'm going to use you as an example because you got your stuff to get
almost cussed Nate producer. But I caught myself. I looked at Nate from the corner by. Thank you.
Hey, you're welcome. I got your back. When I think of you, I think of a woman who got her stuff
together, right? You on your own real estate. You own a couple of businesses. You invest. You're
out here teaching wellness. You look good. And you're one of the most loving kind people that I know.
So I can just imagine someone been in relationship with you and needing to bring you down and be like,
oh, look at Mrs. Boss lady or look at you. You think you the stuff. Don't you? And you'd be like,
what do you mean by that? I heard what the one thing that always catches me off guard is the person
tried to what they what they were doing. They what they were doing. They tried to say that's what I
was doing. Right. Because it's always you doing what they're doing. Yeah. The person said to me
that I don't even want to get into what he said. Okay, right. But he he everything that he did,
he would say I did. And I'm talking about like I can't really say on here, but that's what happened.
Like so yes. And then also things like making what he would also do would be make fun of other
women who are similar to you. Yeah. With who had qualities that I identified with. Yeah.
To make me question them within myself. That's what it would be. That sounds that that sounds
very familiar. Almost like, oh, that woman, you know, she got everything working for her, her
own house and all this, but she going to be lonely. Things like that. Right. This is how are you
like as if your desire to strive for more, have more be independent and provide for your family.
Because ain't nobody else going to provide is somehow makes you less than another woman or that.
Yes. Yes. And and there's also there's other things. There's two other words that I want to
introduce you all to. Okay. If you know, you maybe already know, but triangulation and dog whistling.
Yes. I explained them both. Please triangulation. So it's like that somebody can triangulate you
by putting you against another person. Whether they the other person is there or not. Right.
Whether they even are conscious of you or not. Right. Yeah. I had an instance where like I was at a
restaurant and you know, he tried to pull her in to this thing that was just between them two to
make them be against me. Right. Right. Right. So triangulation and the other person has to be there
because this other person was sometimes used a family member and talk about how the family member,
you know, always there. Or your mom told me this is how you are. Right. Right. Saying like, you
know, because she said this and I'm gonna tell me that you you was you was you was prideful. Yeah.
You're too just too good for everything. Yes. That third party bullying. Yeah. You know,
and then dog whistling is let's say the person always is something that's very personal between
the two of you. Let's say like you always leave your shirt on the back of the chair and they
complain about it. Right. Then they always complain about it and and and whatnot. Then they go,
you guys go over to your friend's house, another couple house. And then he might say to you,
you see, uh, so and so so so does does never leave her shirt on the back of the chair. Right. And
so it's gonna only trigger you. And then when you lash out, then you look at this is what happened
in court. This happened to me in court. And so now I'm crazy. You're the crazy emotional woman
because they don't even get that this person is antagonizing you and have been poking you
like a poke in the bear. That's what I call it. They know how to push your button poke in the
bear. And then when you explode, people are like, Oh my gosh. She's crazy. And you know what he says?
You see how she's acting? I told you she was crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That happened to me in court.
And after that, I was like, I'm not safe. Yeah. And you're not because and that's why we are,
we often need an advocate or an attorney to be the bridge because he knows how to poke at my
buttons. And at that point, I didn't know how to I went to court one time. And I ain't going to tell
y'all who it was. I am tired. But I don't know. But I'm going to tell you who it was. But this
person walked into the courtroom with two attorneys about something that we could have just settled,
right? And this person owed me money. I mean, thousands of dollars, right? And I'm like,
well, we can just settle. You can just figure out a payment arrangement. It's all good.
But they walked in court with two attorneys, but couldn't pay me my money. I said attorneys
are expensive. So you gave them thousands of dollars to come here to and then they wink their eye at me
at court. Yeah. And I looked at nobody was working. And I said, did you just wink your eye at me?
So it was like, that's what you're talking about when it comes to trigger because you knew I was
about to, I was about to go hand. Yeah. Because you can't pay me two dollars. Oh, I'm triggered
thinking about it, but it's a game today. They love, they love to play the game. So how do we,
as people who are on the, the receiving end of abuse manipulation, gaslighting and all these
things? How, what are some, what are some things that we could do in those moments? Or what are some,
what, what, what do you advise people? Because there's people right now listening that are in this
exact situation. So one of the things you said when you were telling people, don't be mad at yourself,
like it's important to, it's simple. You're going to have to figure yourself a thousand times.
And you might have to forgive yourself 10,000 times. But every time that you think that you judge
yourself, you have to forgive yourself. Yeah. You have to recognize, again, with this toxic
combination that you was dealing with, this, this intense combination. That's part of the reason why
a healthy relationship will feel stale or, or bland, boring, because you're so used to these
extremes. So go ahead and go to the gym. All right, get you some sports, get you some other type
of an extreme activity. Get a dog may, I'm not sure. Well, not a dog. Not don't get a dog,
because that, that's unethical probably. You know, because then you might be, you might give the
dog back, I don't know, don't go get a dog. But go, go ATVing. Go with something, get your heart
right up, because that's what your body, the nervous system is what like it wants. It's normal.
So you will need to replace this toxic relationship and those chemicals with that. And then you start
to socialize and program yourself towards healthy, like outlets, the things that you prefer.
And the thing about it, ladies and men who's listening, who are experiencing this,
is if you pay attention to the people around you that leave abusive relationships,
they actually do go to the gym or they start doing things to better themselves.
Generally speaking, not all people do this, but you ever look at women be like,
dang, she left him and got finer. She left her and left him and now she's glowing,
right? Like she's doing the things to take care of herself. But we don't, we don't necessarily,
when I left my relationship, I didn't have this map. I didn't know one was like, you need to do this,
do that. I just hit rock bottom, stayed in the house for almost two years, reading lots of books,
grieving. And like thinking my life is over, I'm 36 years old, I have this baby, nobody around me
to support me. And I just came off of, we called the front line, right? We were organizing in the street,
organizing thousands of people. And I was on the front page of every news. Everybody was like,
oh, she's that angry black woman, stay away from her. But the people that was fighting with me on
the front line that said they were my family and community. When I got pregnant, like, oh, we
about to have a movement, baby, we're going to take care of this baby. You think they were anywhere
to be found? No, they were gone ghosts. And then the people that I thought I was fighting for were
also out there judging me. And this is how I felt from my perspective. Now I'm in a different
healthier place. And I know that that's not even how life works. And that as people, as women,
as individuals, everything that we need, we have within us. We have nobody's coming to save you.
There's not going to be a dude coming, a prince coming on the white horse to get you out this
relationship. No one's going to save you from your loneliness, your void, your depression,
everything that you need. I swear to my God, you're a God. And everybody else is God
that is in you. You got it. You got it. You got it. And you are capable. And even if it's scary,
even if, right? Because when I, one of the relationships that I left left me homeless too,
a relationship left me with a baby. And I knew I was going to be a single mother. But even if you
lose everything, you still have everything to gain. And you can get out. And even if nobody told
you, let us be the ones right now telling you, you can leave. Amen. Right now. Right now.
So I, and I know you're like, why are you out here preaching like this? Because there's too many
women that's out here suffering and pain. And we're just kind of watching them suffer,
and then we're judging them. And it's not just men judging women. It's women judging women.
Because we all partake in misogyny, right? We all partake in patriarchy. And we all partake in
the hate of women. And how can women hate women? And why do women hate women? Because we're
indoctrinated in condition to hate each other. Because if we love each other, I don't think the kind
of men that's been predators in our community. And I mean predators. These are men in our communities
that's been out here for years, hurting, abusing, and targeting young girls. And I would say
girls between the age of 20 and 28. Yep. You hit it on the nail. I know girl. I've been watching
it. I've been watching inboxes. Okay. So, and there's a large age gap. And that's on purpose.
Age gap. And when you want to talk about it, people be like, you're just tripping because your
gel is an old. It doesn't work like that. You're listening to 92.7 FM. The black conversion show.
No one has called in yet. But if you want to, please do. 608-889-8255. We'll be back in a few.
All right, y'all. We're back on the black conversion show. You with your girl, Brandi Grayson,
and my girl, Kena, we out here talking about surviving abuse. I think the last, I can't remember
last thing we were talking about before break. I was just all in it. And then I think I left
break early because I was told them they can leave, right? Get out. Oh, yeah, that's right. We're
telling folks who are in abuse of relationships that you have the power to get out and that you
have everything you need. And from two women who have been there multiple times, you will survive.
And not only will you survive, you will thrive. But in order to grow, learn, and really be able to
be a testament to or provide or share your testimony with someone else, you have to do the first
thing. Take the first step and ask to leave. Or the first step might be a safety plan because we
don't know your business, right? Sometimes it's not safe to leave. And that's something that we need
to acknowledge as well to all of our listeners. I don't know. You got any questions?
Specific things you want to discuss in our last seven minutes. I would say one thing,
like I will acknowledge that on average women usually try to leave seven times before they
successfully get out. That's a good point. Seven times. So if you are number five, keep going.
Keep going, right? Like don't be like, I'm never going to get out. And then
and your intuition is correct. You're a woman because we're talking to women right now.
Yeah. So your intuition is correct. Like if you think, if you think, then you're right.
You don't have to ask for questions. You only have to find the receipts. But can we talk about
why we need receipts? Because there's been times and relationships where I felt it. Like
I felt something was off. But I didn't have the receipts. So I didn't see it. And I would
ask them because that's what we do. Like they're going to and they're going to like, right?
Yes, exactly. I'm cheating on you. Yes. I'm sleeping with three four other women. Yes.
I'm abusing you. Yeah. No one says that. So why do we even ask the question?
Because we are trying to satisfy our guilt for allowing all leaving or allowing for allowing.
Well, well, we want to be mad and we want to have a reason to go. Because what if we're crazy?
Because all of the gaslighting and manipulation is making you think you're crazy. Yeah.
And then also, let's say you said, I don't need any receipts. I'm leaving because it doesn't feel
right. Like can we practice trusting our intuition and just go in and don't feel it?
And therapy, I take, I mean, I've been going to therapy, but I've been avoiding therapy
for the last two, three weeks just to be transparent. Because there's some decisions I've been making
that I'm embarrassed about. And the thing about therapy, your therapist, that they will hold you
accountable to your decisions. So I'm even conscious enough to know like, I know what she's going to say.
Are you? I know what they're going to say. And I'm just going to void her. And till she keeps
emailing me and saying, come on, where are you at? Right? She going to be like, my breathing past this.
Wait, come on. Yeah. She is too. You know, she reminded me, called me back like, excuse me.
Did you just hit the gas on that? No. I did. I did.
Reverse. Come on. We're going to talk about this. I did. So I guess, you know, for the last
couple of minutes, we have y'all, like, I guess for us, what I want y'all to understand in the world
to understand is abusive. It's never okay. And it's never your fault because somebody didn't have
the mama, the family structure, or the trauma in their childhood. And they make you responsible for
and we often want to cap them safe. Yeah. Yeah. And oh, go ahead. No, you go ahead. You go ahead.
You reminded me. You reminded me what the other thing I was talking about last week was the devotion,
the devotion, the loyalty. Yeah. So early in the relationship, likely this man is going to be doing
things to test your loyalty and your devotion and to make you prove to him that you are, that you are
down for him, that you're loyal to him, that you will never leave him, never betray him. And those are
ways that he's like, like, I was asking, Brian, have you seen Harry Potter? She's like, now I was like,
well, then you know, understand the Dementor, but the Dementor's from Harry Potter, they suck your
soul out of you. And they get, they get life by stealing your soul. And then when you're proving to
him that you are, that you are never going to leave him, that you love him, like you promise you
love him and you have to prove it. That is his, that's first of all, you leaving yourself. Right.
And so then he's like, oh, gosh, yes, gotcha. And so when you do that, that makes it hard because
you have professed, you have used your words to cast these spells and to curse yourself, right?
To devote yourself to him. And now you're trapped, you feel trapped, but you're not, you don't owe him
jack. But the thing too is that society tells us that we're trapped. Religion tells us that we're trapped.
You're not supposed to marry a man and divorce him. You're not supposed to do that. You're
marriages, everything, your children, your families, everything. So then we devote ourselves to this
construct as is sucking the life out of us. And then we have heart attacks and we have strokes.
Then we have migraines. Then we have all liver failure. All these things were in the hospital. We
haven't panic attacks. We don't know what's wrong because you're in a situation that's sucking
the life force out of you literally. And one thing about women and we discussed this last week on
the show is that women are already born complete. You're born complete. Yes. You're right next to
the source. You're the, you're the creator. You're the cultivator. You're the woman. You are the,
you birth the world, right? And we ain't gonna get up into black women because I might have people
calling the station and cussing out the folks who hired me. So I'm gonna leave that there for another
day. But what I will say is that women, when we are in situations with men, if you have a pattern
of being in relationships where you end up less than before you started, then you might want to just
act yourself. The question, is this person adding to me or are they subtracting from me?
Right. Literally depleting your nutrients, depleting your essence, all the goodness inside of you.
And it's still there. Yeah. It's there. You just need somebody to relight the flame. That's right.
But you like you like the flame. That's what I'm gonna say. Not somebody. You, you got to like
their own flame. But you know, you don't, you don't, one you leave, you don't owe him anything.
You know, but this is another thing too, because family gets involved, friends get involved and
they give their opinions. And oftentimes they sway us more than anything. Right. Your mom might say,
well, you know, baby, you know, we didn't leave marriages. We didn't get divorced. We stuck it
out. And let me tell you about your daddy or the men that I've been with and the things I had to
endure. But remind your grandmother, remind your mama that we are not in the 60s or 80s no more.
My well-being, my financial well-being, the wellness of my children don't depend on the man no more.
And I'm not standing in a negative way. I'm saying whether you're a man or woman or they
are non-defining or identifying person and you're an abusive relationship, you need to get out.
You would be okay because everything that you have within you is enough. You are enough.
And oftentimes people who repeat patterns of abuse, meaning that we attract abusive people,
it's because deep down and our sponsoring thought is that we're not enough. Yeah. Because
absolutely. We're not enough. Well, who would want me after this blah, blah, blah, all the things
that that's been poisoned and grained into your mind. And once you get out, your thought is going to
be why didn't I leave sooner? Right. Right. Or you're going to try to judge yourself, right? No, I'm
saying yes, you might you'll, but I'm saying like once you get through all of that, right? You're
going to be like what made me say I should have left sooner. It's so true. Because the time is on
your side, at once you leave. And I don't care if you're in your 20s, 30s, 40s or 70s. If you know
that it's not right for you, you still have a beautiful life ahead of you. And get out and young
girls who are listening, pay attention to these old men that's trying to get with you. Act yourself
why a 46 year old man would want to be with a 22 year old girl. And I don't mean that to be
disrespectful. I'm saying it because there's something that they want. Usually is manipulation
and usually when you're young, you're not expecting much. We're happy with a happy meal.
And it's or steak or a lamb chop for that matter. So at the end of the day, what we have to do is
focus on what makes us feel good. And when things don't feel good when they suck the life out of
you, then you know that it's time to go. And that's, you know, that's our, that's our, that's our time,
y'all. So you're listening to the black conversion show on 92.7 FM. We will be back next Thursday,
saying time, saying station, peace, love, and hair grease.
