What up you are listening to 92.7 FM your girl Brandy Grayson on the black conversion
show you know the show that get into polytrics systems theories ideas opinions drama drama
and all the stuff that we don't want to talk about so that is the show Brandy Grayson
and I have a couple go co-hosts today my girl Kena she is back for the second week in
the role okay because the conversation last week was so good and then I also asked Darryl
to come in and co-host with us Darryl called in and at the time we were talking about
the polytrics of monogamy and the illusion of relationships like you know being with one
person at a time but before we dive further into that conversation I want to acknowledge
our community Madison in the Greater Dane County area there's been a lot of trauma and
things happening in our community in the last shoot since the beginning of 2024 I think
on New Year's Eve there was a car accident and three people died in that car accident
and there were young people and one of the folks had a baby on the way and that was unnecessarily
you know life loss so I want to acknowledge the family and our community and then recently
there were two young boys who died in the pond in some prairie got off the bus
playing around ran on the pond and the ice broke the six year old fell in and then his big brother
jumped in to save them and they both are no longer with us and the impact of all these deaths on
our community has been chorosis chorosis I don't know if I said that word right but you know what I
mean and I cannot imagine what the family is going through is one thing to lose one kid and it's a
whole another I don't know I can't fathom either losing one child or two children but to something
that could have been prevented through numerous ways right a gate a warning some precaution
taken by the city of some prairie and others who are responsible for the death of these two little
boys so I just want to acknowledge that for the people known as black in our community when we
have deaths when we have things that happen to people that look like us it feels really personal
we're kinetic beings and are often connected through tragedies and trauma so I want to acknowledge
all the folks that are having a hard time urban triage the organization that I am the CEO of and
founder of here in Madison we serve Dane County and we also partner with agencies in Milwaukee
but our agency as part of our organizational culture every Thursday we do some trauma recovery
with our staff as a group is part of our supporting healthy families curriculum we do it we run
work groups and we do it with our staff and today there was a lot of emotions and a lot of folks were
had challenges identifying like where this is coming from people feeling tired fatigue depressed
emotional thinking about their own lives their own children their own wills their own everything
and it was heavy today and not only that I also want to acknowledge the families I think it's
about a hundred families in Madison that's going to be displaced as they close down to apartment
buildings on the west side tree lane I cannot remember the name of these apartment complexes but
it's about a hundred families and urban triage the families that we serve are those families
so we always get them the backlash of decisions made by the city county or whoever is responsible
for making these decisions so in our office over the last 48 hours we've had multiple families come
to us and say what am I going to do the project in tree lane was supposed to provide vouchers for
some of the families section eight vouchers and some and they haven't gotten them and they have to
be out of these apartments by March in the middle of winter which is crazy to me too like so even if
you needed to shut down these apartment complexes you don't think like summertime would have been
easier and better for these vulnerable families and in addition the city or whoever is responsible
for closing these apartments and considering them new I think they call the new census or something
like that is the reason behind shutting down these apartments they haven't offered any support to
relocate them so urban triage is going to be making some demands of the city of Madison in
Dane County and we'll put a call to action for other agencies and community groups to come together
and figure out how do we support these families it is imperative that we do something right and
the thing about Madison in the Dane County area the only resources that are available
for housing and just for people know you are listening to 92.7 FM the black convergence show
with Brande Grayson so I'm just giving you a couple of days of some things that's happening in
our community before we get into the juicy stuff okay okay um but um what I was going to say is
in Madison in the greater Dane County area there is no money there's no resources
for folks who are experiencing housing insecurity or housing um you know issues with stay you know
being stable and housing and when I say that I mean that these folks are housed but they need
additional support to stay housed so when you close down a hundred units and in an area that
already has low vacancy and high rent where do they go and what do they do no one has two three
thousand dollars sitting in a bank account to cover expenses of moving insecurity deposits
and there's no programs in Dane County at this time that offer those assistance
urban trash was providing security deposits up until December 31st of 2023 and incidentally
that program could have went a whole another year because we still had millions left that was
unspent and that that contract could have went to 2025 but because of some political
polytric things that were happening in the background the contract ended and we didn't have a
contract for 2025 our contract was to I mean 2024 it was to end in 2023 however the powers could
be could have and should have extended that contract for another year and given this situation that
a lot of our community folks are facing we needed that contract our community needed that contract
but polytrics and politics in the powers that be don't really care about the people it's always
processes procedures and things like that so I just wanted to acknowledge that too that the
money is available in our community and for what other reasons it wasn't given to our community so
I want to be real about that and additionally the resources that are currently available for housing
resources are limited to people who are currently the homeless defined by HUD so HUD defines homeless
by folks who are sleeping in the street sleeping in the shelter or who are living in inhabitable places
like so in the stairwells or in the capital or in the basement of places but if you if you tell someone
that that's part of this homeless work including urban triage right that you are living with your
friend or your friend let you spend a night or you were able to get a hotel for a week you disqualify
yourself from support so I just want people to be clear on that as well so the folks who are coming
to our office from these two apartment complexes that are seeking support security deposits help
navigating housing and accessing other housing options technically based on our funding and our
contract we're not supposed to serve them I want you to think about that based on our contracts we're
not supposed to serve them there is no resources for them you have to basically be living in your
car so we have approximately a hundred families that cannot access services until they declare
themselves homeless tell me if that makes sense and tell me if it makes sense that we wasn't proactive
as it relates to making sure they had some supports right like if we're going to shut down
apartment complex there should be some okay let's work with this agency let's look at our budget
let's reallocate some funds we need to get some money into the community so we can relocate them
right and pay people to help them even if it was temporarily so I just want to say that and I
want to acknowledge all what's happening in our community right now right now at this moment
and how we predict and people service providers who are doing the work of housing predicts that
what we're experiencing what we're what we the second week of January of 2024 that this is going
to explode by a thousand percent within the next 60 days so I just want to acknowledge all of that
our folks who are struggling with housing our people who are lost their children the impact that
has had and the losses have had on our community as a whole again you're tuned into the black
conversion show on 92.7 FM our show really is dedicated to saying the things that people don't
want us to talk about in the taboo topics and doing it in a way that allows us to gain and provide
information to you and maybe plant a seed for you to get into discovery of how these things may
show up in your life or how your beliefs and systems are rooted and founded oftentimes
in white supremacy right oh my god does she say white supremacy I did and white supremacy is really
the indoctrination of ideas and beliefs and we all whether you're black white brown whatever
we all embody attributes of white supremacy you cannot exist in America or in this world without
swallowing some of these attributes so I just want to acknowledge that and let people know that
urban tribes as always would be doing what we need to do to support the families and the vulnerable
people who are being displaced we will advocate we will make demands on our city and our county
to do something about this and we will encourage other agencies to come together and to figure out
how we can combine our resources and make ask of you know even our partners right our sponsored
partners like Kuna Mutra and American family and other folks who are committed to doing the work
of homelessness making ask of them right and I will be the first to reach out to them maybe I'm
not the first maybe I'll be the second who knows but I think we need to make this a community
effort to make sure folks are placed in housing and aren't left being homeless that would be
ridiculous especially when you're coming from housing and the choice wasn't yours so I just
want to share that and send love and like to everyone so what we're talking about today on 92.7
FM we might have like one minute before we have to go to commercial but I want it to acknowledge
that but what we're talking about today is the politics and the illusion of a monogamy monogamy
right Kuna monogamy okay because I you know my pronunciation is all off sometimes so Kina I want
to bring you into the conversation and let's start by you telling us what you remember from our
last conversation that stood out last week based on our conversations so last week we talked about
the joys and the terror we were gonna talk about the joys and the terror of of loving black men right
in relationships um Darrell had called Darrell Darrell had called in and made a very good point and
then I remember Alex these are two they're combined to me but they both had made really good points
oh my lips Ashley about they made two really good points about the need for affection and a
platonic non-sexual way yeah I remember we talked a little bit about um we talked a little bit about
the type like you know the type the experiences that men have had yeah that lead to some of the
things that we be working with yeah um when it comes to our relationships with them and yeah
because I think we had we started talking about how men go to sex right like men want their
cake and eat it too oh yeah monogamy is really judged for ownership and for men to have one
wife at home but many outside yeah and that's when Alex I think say yeah that's true and a lot of
times is because men are seeking physical contact and love and affection that they didn't get yeah
and especially black men because they get to a certain age and we stop treating them like
the little boys that they are and they still need they still need they still looking for that so I
think that I want to talk about that today with Darrell and I want to continue on that that journey
of that conversation um and we you know we'll be back in a few we got to take a break because I
talked a lot at the beginning um and just for folks who are just tuning in you're listening to 92.7
and I filmed the black conversion show we'll be back in a minute
all right now you listen to your girl Brandy Grayson or 92.7 if the black conversion show
I have a couple of guests here and we're talking about the politics and the illusion of monogamy and
we're just talking about how foolish it is I don't know if it's foolish and I've been in all monogamy
relationships but there is a desire I have to actually be in an open relationship and I find that
the men that I date um because I do date men I'm heterosexual wait wait cis heterosexual cis
heterosexual cis gender heterosexual okay yeah that thing I'm that I'm that thing so I have I usually
date men and um and they have a hard time with the concept of me being open right but not them being
open because I would actually love to be open I feel like it take at least five men a whole all of me
you know and and then also I guess it kind of depends on what how people what their their
expectations are when it comes to dating yeah and what the commitment looks like yeah because dating
is supposed to be open I think well dating yes but once you say you're like then we like then
and then it's like you like that yeah once we like that and that's what they be saying Darro I want
to bring you in the conversation because I believe and I might be making an assumption um you guys
so welcome Darrell Darrell please give us a little um background of who you are but I'll just share
that um Darrell was my executive coach for I think almost a year I can't quite remember but I
want to say that his coaching of me was transformative um you literally changed my life as my coach
so if you want to provide us with um just some background of who you are and also provide us with
your take and you know we'll let you lead this conversation really okay well first uh thanks for
having me and uh thank you for what you had to say those were kind words um and you are transformative
to yourself and others so um you're the kind of person that you can coach because you take it on
I'm with a company called company works uh and what we do is executive coaching life coaching
um life changing if you would and we look at ways we can hold people accountable to achieve
the vision in a dream they have so that's that's uh who I am I've been doing this for years and I
would um I would like to say one thing to start things off it's going to be very provocative okay
let's do provocative okay but what I was trying to show you was you know when we talk about men
and women to begin with we're talking about an ex and ex chromosome I think we know that
yes when we're talking about a man we're talking about an ex and a wide chromosome uh
can any top anybody tell me what the wide chromosome is um less than the ex exactly
it's an ex right so we look at it from that perspective and we realize for instance men
we have breasts but uh what do we do with them you know babies exactly so men were an extension
believe in not a woman I know they don't like to hear that but but women were actually the design
and men was the extension so you can have more life now the reason why I'm bringing that up even
is that it's complicated but when you talk about relationships and you talk about relationships
being monogamous they usually are from a European point of view how you hold on to property
that's the purpose of it it's to make sure that when I inherit when I send inheritance through
it's my children actually getting it not someone else's child so I want to make sure that the woman
is kept monogamous that's really the design of it and even in the old testament it says
thou shalt not cover thy name is uh basically the donkey property or their wife it doesn't say
the men so men weren't held that way women were held that way and that's part of a kind of a patriotic
view from colonists it's not an African view by the way ancient African folks didn't look at it
that way they had it like men and women were equal and had great power so that said you would be
open for Andy to wherever you say unless you want to make sure you have a contract in place to
care for what you think is your family and the inheritance of that family right so yeah it sure
does so you're saying that the design of marriage and relationships is based on ownership
control and power and making sure that your inheritance has a bloodline right so you got to hold
on to the woman because the woman is the producer of your children which then will receive their
inheritance so and that from a European right that's a European social construct created through
that's right colonization and that and that that would also explain why there's so much in breeding
that happens you're within European because they're like if the brother died if the husband dies
then breed with the brother because then you're gonna still be in the same have the bloodline
so but that doesn't work for us today right and especially doesn't work for people known as black
so how do we like how do we like so in my mind part of our trauma is that we seek out to mimic
these social constructs of our oppressor really you know the folks who design the system in our society
and then when they don't work for us we blame each other or we seek out relationships with other
folks right like outside of our traditional or our culture our blood bloodline or what have you
because we believe that doing so would be less pressure or less complicated and and you're saying
that this is from the male or the females I think we both do that now I think back in the day
was more male okay but I think also because of what we receive the you know the images the messages
that now people black women are now given permission to date outside of our race when we didn't have
that kind of permission before or we was scared I don't know what do you think so I think I you know
so I'll say I've I've not dated outside of my race before and so and I don't I don't I still don't
know if I would I can't I still don't see it right my therapist has encouraged it she was like
you know the block is only this big but anyway you date within your race okay she gave me a
whole metaphor but I still see it right and I was telling her like I just you know I don't see
it and but I do still see I don't know if I still see black women receiving pressure because I do
see more representation of black women dating and racially yeah so I guess it doesn't feel as like
taboo like oh my god that black woman dating that white man but Asian man but yeah and I don't
still see it though as much as white black as it is like black women with another brown other yeah
okay not black but and again in culture and again another construct of white supremacy they don't
want that to happen because they will they'll lose the white supremacy whereas if we made
outside of quote unquote black the children will more than likely end up being chosen of color so
we don't have that same fear that white supremacy has about losing themselves oh you mean for white
people the family blood dating black or other causes another level of fear versus fear of us dating
them fear of extinction exactly fear of extinction okay we don't have that fear of extinction right
now it goes into some deep stuff yeah right the isis paper if you guys want to know any more about
that you want to refer to dr. Wesley question who wrote the isling the isis paper about that
that that exact thing the the fear of you know extermination really is the basis in her theory
of white supremacy and the need to keep this social construct of black inferiority and white
supremacy um we're gonna have to take another break in the minute but what I also want to touch on
is this idea of like this model isn't working not just for people known as black but it's not
even working for white people no more like it's just not working um and oftentimes we end up feeling
like this I don't know like I feel like it creates this in authentic way of being in relationships
with someone confined confined because I want to be able to tell you if I find someone to track
yeah without and I want you to be able to say yeah you know I'm thinking about AV&C and I'm
thinking about this without you feeling like there's going to be a consequence because I actually
would love to exist in the world well we get to self-actualize like we see fit okay right without
having to do ding ding yeah and without having to control people like I don't need you to be anything
but you right and I would love to love you for all that you are right but in order for me to love
you for all that you are you have to be transparent that's right and white supremacy doesn't allow us to
be that so I want to continue that conversation you tuning in you listen to the black conversion show
or 92.7 FM we be back in like three minutes all right peace
all right we are back with black conversion show on 92.7 FM listening to your girl Brandi Grayson
and my co-host Kena and Darrell we're talking about the illusion of monogamy or just the lie it's
just all lies and we're talking about the biology behind it so on our way out before break we were
saying that this need and desire for men to conquer women through sex is one biology right two
is part of patriarchy right given them permission and three I think Darrell stated that it's a
development thing too like we always have these little millions that say get you a man and not a
boy right because boys just want to conquer they want to bang bang ski ski yeah and sometimes our
boys are 50 years old yeah so how do we from a man perspective Darrell how do men take the right
of passion passage from boyhood to manhood and develop themselves well that's an awesome question
because there is no structure that's right there in place for us so that may be something that
needs to be developed ongoing but I think part of that is meeting a woman who you love so much
that you're willing to reinvent yourself to examine yourself to be authentic and then something
I heard you also say was what about what else could happen beyond sex right this intimacy vulnerability
openness trust that can be something you can develop with a male without having to have sex with
them yeah so that that becomes their right of passage the ability to know a woman who can accept
them that way and help them that way and how it does make sense because I feel like men do all
the men that I know but I don't know I'm not gonna make that general statement because I'm about
my friends gonna text me it gonna be all in crack I'm not gonna say it I'm gonna know that I
got too many male friends I'm not gonna do it because they're gonna be like you didn't say it I'm
not gonna do it so but I do I'm wondering like how do women from your perspective Darrell know
if a man loves you enough to reinvent themselves right because men pretend all the time that they're
on that journey how do you what are some signs well one that you're feeling yourself actualized with
that person like you have that freedom to be authentic if you don't if you find that you're stepping
on landmines or looking out for eggs or whatever it might be eggshells then you might be in a
relationship that isn't that where you're pretending like you're present but really you're
afraid to step on on certain words to say certain things right like so that's not so and can you
for people for our listeners who may not know what self-actualizes I know I use that word a lot
what what does that actually mean to self-actualize and be authentic yeah so that means that you've
got a purpose and and goals internally that you want to achieve whether that's educationally
spiritually in your life whether it's financial you have things you want to achieve as an individual
and you're gonna actualize them you're gonna make them occur and the person you're with they
support that they stand with that they're in agreement with that now that might look like you're
not you're gonna go around and meet other people right that's got the hard pill for them to swallow
but if they're standing for your actualization they'll do that right yeah and that's how that
starts to look that's good because that's what we talked about a few minutes ago on break is the
importance of being transparent and authentic your communication because how can I accept all that
you are if you're not willing to share with me all that you are the back to good the ugly than
in between because then you're just manipulating yeah that that's exactly what it is and themselves
yeah because sometimes they might not even like you might know more about and I'm saying you but
maybe not you particularly so if I like so like if if you're showing up and you're like I know exactly
who I am I know exactly what I want I know exactly you know this and that yeah somebody else the
other person you might be talking to they might for you know in that manipulation they might just
be trying to mirror back to you what you're showing them but they might not know right right and so
but even that stifles and limits you when you're trying when so like like what you said they're
about self-actualizing and if you self-actualized and they support it and I would even go even further
and say it when you're if you were in your in your self-actualization not only they supported they
complimented they bring it out they bring it out of you right they enhance it and if they're not
then it's not it's not a fit for you because you will become less than less than and I think that
goes back to what Darrell was saying before as a and biologically men are born with this X and Y
women X and X we come out with some have term is 360 degrees that's how we're born which puts us
you know closer to the source based on a lot of people philosophies and study of mankind
which means that women don't require as much as men but in the patriarchal society and social
constructs we've been made to believe that women actually require more than men but if you ever
had a boy and raise a boy and a girl you know that boys from the beginning soon as their birth
requires more than any of my girls ever require emotionally and everything you have to be very
consistent with your boys they require more affection they require more like guys more guidance on
them structure all of it and one of the things I recently had in a conversation with a male friend
of mine is that when he doesn't have structure he goes astray what does that mean to y'all you know
my son my son when he was like seven or eight his dad in prison he said my dad he's like mom when
when you left my dad he was lost he was lost he didn't he didn't know what to do right but it was
a structure when I left him he was out in the streets out top in and all of that like and I
and I know that like his life he lives today right because he had a woman but yeah so I hear
that because men say women men these structures that's why marriage is good and the data supports
that right the data says the data says the man keeps like the Bible say you find a wife you
find a good thing and now you also find 10 more years on your life okay say that but women we
die the man we lose about 12 years so what is this thing that's saying in our society that's saying
hey you need a man a woman and a wife and at the same time is sucking the life force out of women
generally speaking this is not all facts I know there's no man out there like I know that for
fact I've seen on my witnesses I believe Darryl is a great man right and I don't know his personal
business but what the energy I get from Darryl he's a good man he understands what it means to
self-actualize in a whole space for his partner and but generally that's not the experience of
most women in these relationships can I can I go back in history real quick and so I do think that
a like and we're talking about I'm talking about U.S. history right okay real quick y'all listen
to 92.7 FM the black conversion show yeah we're talking about monogamy the the illusion of it
and really from the black perspective because we're talking from where we exist so for our
listeners who are not black and know have that experience this if this conversation is for you to
learn grow and get into discovery of how life might be different for other people outside of your
world and your fear or what have you and if you want to join the conversation we invite whoever
to join our conversation at 608 879 8255 I'm sorry can't go ahead okay so real quick I just want
to go back in history because we're talking about this in the U.S. culture dynamic yeah and so
again like what Darryl was saying like what you're saying what I'm saying is a lot of the thing
a lot has been reversed mentally socialized D in in our programming and brainwashing in history right yeah so
going back we you know we're thought to believe that men you know we'll admit that men rule the
country women are supposed to be home take care of kids and this and then the other once we women
started wearing pants literally when when when started wearing the pants was the problem and learn
how to write with the mask name the man right once we started wearing pants then we started to get
jobs and we started to realize and and once we started to get educated right all the things that
were literally withheld from us like to keep us in in captive and bondage you know once we started
to do those things it was the was it was withheld from us because it was a threat right and then once
we started to do those things we didn't we did not have so much dependency in that way and that
made men have to show up and enter they need to reinvent themselves yeah and we have to reinvent
relationships because they're not based on as Darrell pointed out this construct that says I
need a woman to pass my my my here inheritance and my property on because actually women are the
property owners and the providers just as their male counterparts so what does that mean Darrell
in your perspective for the dynamics and black relationships specifically so we're going to talk
from our experience in our culture what what do you think needs to happen for us to evolve and for
men and women to reinvent ourselves outside of these constructs well well one I think black women
especially and then men get to recognize that black women are connected to nature in a very
natural way like they are connected like I said women have certain menstrual cycles that even
line up with the moon yeah men do not we are disconnected often from that experience the European
conversation is disconnected from nature so we've got to get back to that that means you've got
the vibe and you want men who you're in relationship with to share that vibe with you if they're not
that they may not be the right fit they've got to be able to surrender to that right that women have
a connection to nature it's so important that in our communities again in African communities
women were considered equal if not oftentimes leaders so we got to accept that so they answer your
question one of the things that we've got to do is men and women have got to start talking as if
women's power matters yeah it's not like oh you're you're you're equal because you got pants on
no no you're equal because you can feel the heartbeat of the earth yes that's important that is so
important that is so important and that keeps coming up in my conversation about monogamy and
men and women is this connection women natural connection to the creator to the source of the
universe and then for folks who are just tuning in you're listening to the black conversion show
and whether you are atheist you don't believe in the universe of God or what have you that's
regardless that's beside the point like the biology shows that women are made differently even our
chromosomes are differently and we're connected to the source differently and just bringing it back
to the nature and what patriarchy I believe has done is made it a threat like you said for women to
stand in their power because then men are forced to look at if I if my whole definition of my
manhood is defined by myself being the provider right the person who taking care of the home
and that no longer exists and it really didn't exist for black people like that right it didn't
black women have always been working we were working the field alongside of our husbands our brothers
our children and then going into the house and breastfeeding these folks children right and then
coming to our home not our home our shacks until these little spaces and then being beat by our
husbands and other folks because of the pain that they're being inflicted upon their body because
remember hurt people hurt people and when other people are violating you you desire to project that out
so women and black women specifically have taking the beatings from the master the master's wife
and our husbands and other people in our community since the beginning of time so until we are able
to have these real conversations about what it means to be a black man and black men are willing
to redefine themselves I in my opinion we will always be stuck in this loop because you're always
going to be threatened by what I achieve and you're always going to feel um demasculated by me
right because of who I am and my my masculine energy but Darryl before we go on our next break can
you share with us your take on that like how do black men not just have the conversation about the
power of women and nature in our connection but how do black men really start like really taking a
look at like how white supremacy and patriarchy has screwed them over yeah I think I think it starts
with reading our own history we've got to go back and take a look at African I'm not talking about
modern African history which is colonized I'm talking about ancient African history and how we
were meeting the earth we're the ones who developed science and geology and math and all kinds of
other ways of being on the earth and we've got to go back to that understanding and that's going
to take a while it's not going to happen overnight I want to say one thing real quick though the
monogany thing that's all based on an agreement and so one of the things that we've got to be able
to do is sit down with our mates and have an agreement with them about what we're creating not just
I'm going to do it yeah but there's an agreement what do you want Brandi how do you want it to look
here's what I want there's an agreement you create and then based on that you ask yourself the
question is the agreement working that's really what the relationship is based on and I think that's
a good distinction is like you know the distinction of us creating agreements and that being our
contract because we think of agreements being marriage but agreement ain't that it's like what do
you want in this relationship how do you feel safe how do you feel heard and what is what it
doesn't mean for you to self-actualize who do you desire to be in the world and how do you see
this relationship supporting that yeah and I also think about the agreement with the whole
community called marriage you may do that yeah yeah that's real yeah and I think about the language
right because I wonder if in our ancient culture if we even had possessive language like
husband and wife and ownership I don't I don't we go back we didn't own anything everything belong to
the earth and to the to the source so this conversation is good is deep and it always takes us back
to our past which is the name of urban triage reaching back to our pasty heel to the future is a
requirement of black community you're listening to 92.7 FM the black convergence show we are talking
about monogamy history the culture the illusion of it all really from the black perspective y'all so
don't go nowhere because we got a few more comments our conversations always we always need more time
one day they're gonna put me on the morning show but tune in stay tuned we'll be back on 92.7 FM
all right we back on 92.7 FM on the black convergence show you're listening to your girl Brandy Grayson
I got a couple guests in the studio I have Darryl actually Darryl's on zoom
Darryl's and I don't know where you at Darryl you live in Miami somewhere Darryl live all across
the country with my girl Kena as well we're really talking about the politics of monogamy and
really looking at how do black women black men and black people in relationship right because it's
not just always man and woman it could be woman woman man man whatever you know transgender whatever
you have you want to identify yourself but how do we reinvent ourselves outside of the social
constructs of white supremacy and European ideal of marriage and right before break Darryl suggested
that we sit down with our partner and we create agreements and the agreements based on
how we want to exist and what we need and require from this from that specific relationship
and that it doesn't have to necessarily be mono it just has to be something that you agree to
and when you when something's not working you go back to the agreement and you identify what's
working and what's not working that's what I heard Darryl say before break Kena if you said
down with your partner and said this is what I need what was some of the things in your agreement
well the what was my so number one I absolutely support that because I feel like if we have
agreement then we can't have we don't have a lot of room for disappointment and let down
but I feel like anytime that I noticed that I feel disappointed I always go back so well did
we even agree on this is we've been talking about it about holding this person to a standard that
they didn't even agree to the I just created my head yeah but if for me like oh my god I have like
a nine minute prayer that I wrote in my phone that has everything in there like that I'm that I
require desire deserve we're not going to get into the whole thing right now but um you know my
main thing is the way that can we connect can we understand each other and I and I'm a I'm a
I'ma go on that one right now is the understanding because I feel like that that's where the biggest
disconnect like that I have that I noticed like in the last year has been around understanding I
feel like if I feel like if I don't feel understand if I don't feel understood and then there's
a lack of connection yeah I also require to feel safe yeah and it's not something that I can never
teach somebody I can't teach somebody how to make me feel how how to create a space that feels
safe they can't make me feel but how to create a space that I feel safe being in because then if I
don't feel safe then they're going to be like well how come they're going to sense resistance and
I'm going to be like yeah you sense resistance because I'm not safe yeah right so it's like one
creates the other and you know it requires like you know a level of vulnerability and
authenticity and intelligence about one's own self in order to create that yes good and interesting
because today at work and our supporting healthy families work group um with our staff of course
we have male staff we have three male staff a for us um and one of the things that came up in that
conversations about relationships because this always comes up is that um what men don't understand
women I hear that a lot you guys in your head you're in your stories that didn't even happen you're
so emotional I don't understand so how can I have compassion and empathy for someone or something
or a situation that I'm not understanding Dara what would your take be if someone said that to you
well first I probably have a dialogue going on in my head a monologue yeah so I'm not even really
listening to that person that's the breakdown I'm not really listening so it's not that you know
understand you're not listening yeah yeah you can't understand if you don't actually hear someone
but put another way how often do couples actually listen like here's what I heard you say
here's where I heard you come from rather than my point of view just really getting what's
someone is saying so when you feel heard do you feel more open more trusting when you feel heard
I feel safe that begins to build trust it begins to to do that so to answer your question Brandy
this is a work we've all got to do yeah but for men especially our work has to do with listening
yeah oh that's a good one and becoming powerful with that with uh you know with the one
more in relationship with so what Dara was saying that we that the challenge that
has to be everyone by the way you don't have to go listen to everyone right right but listen to your
one yeah that you chose okay so part of the conversation is hey men um learn how to listen and
listen from a place of not about you learn how to dance in the relation in the communication or
conversation by saying what I heard you say is this did I hear that right right because a lot
of times what we hear is not actually what was said is filtered through our lens and our own
understanding and we're waiting to respond so we're not even hearing to relate we're hearing to
rebuttal right and I think that's the thing that happens a lot of times in communication that we're
waiting to make others wrong we have a caller last minute okay Ruby we see you so let's just
bring you on uh Ruby are you there can you hear us yeah I can you okay girl you got something to add
you can just jump in anywhere yeah I was just gonna say that I think that oftentimes um right now
in our society being colleagues can be like a bad um and it could be like something that people
want to do to be um to explore the sexuality and they try to bring that to a relationship and it
doesn't work because they don't really know what it is that they want themselves so they can't even
get agreement when it comes yeah so I think that when it comes to exploring like what kind of
relationship you need to be and I think you need to start from a point of being single first and
being what while you're being single then you get to the side you get to maneuver you get to
explore you get to try different things and then you can then bring that into a relationship but
I think that oftentimes people are in relationships they try to turn their monogamous relationships
into being poly and that's not going to work because you already had a different agreement when
you first got into that relationship and now you're trying to change it to be something different
because now you have this new sense of self but you should be single find yourself right figure out
what it is that you want be able to articulate what it is that you want and then be able to see
it play out I know that personally from my own personal experience because I was in a marriage
that was monogamous at first and then we tried to change it to be poly and it just didn't work because
you come to an agreement and it looks to go on paper right right when you actually start to live
that agreement out in person it takes a film to get involved yeah things happen it's because
both people don't know themselves they have no what they want they don't know what would it actually
looks like to live out being poly would actually like to live out having multiple partners multiple
lovers that's real and we got hard I bet it is and jealous because I'd be jealous in a month like
I say I want poly but I'd be jealous and I'm like who are you with tonight where are you going
so I don't know how to go to the end and kiss it on home right like you just kiss it on home I'm
gonna learn I want to learn about how to handle that but we got like one minute left y'all as always
one day they're gonna give us more time okay y'all hear me sipping media but Darryl before we go
let me go ahead and give you a couple seconds to get us out of here take us out any last words Darryl
he can't hear us okay so I'm gonna get the last caller the last caller was spot on yeah
I can hear you now okay the last caller was spot on you need a coach if you're gonna go through
something like this yes because you don't know your own feelings you might want to have somebody
third party take you on about that why are you jealous Brandi what's that about where's that
come yeah that's real that's not him that's your company yeah so someone to mirror your stuff and we
all need that right now in our relationships and in our life I was just having this conversation with
my staff man like we need to be accountable for our own BS whether it's in an intimate relationship
or friendships or anything we got 10 seconds you got anything Keena uh I think that when they
make the agreements they should do it separately and then bring it together so they don't have
the influence and the bias that is the good we're gonna be back on this agreement y'all
swear to god you're listening to the black conversion show we were talking about monogamy and
all the politics and the systems and social constructs that go with it um and we want to talk
some more but we got it goes y'all the show is over thank you for listening to the black
conversions peace loving hair grease
