Cooking with Hank – Where is my pet possum?

RICHLAND CENTER, Wis (WRCO Entertainment) – Welcome to cooking with Hank. Do you have the hunger? If you have a spare possum, Hank can feed you!

Hank’s 2:30 AM Possum-Panini Surprise 

(Don’t try this at home. Or do. We ain’t judgin’.)

Ingredients:

• 1 can of generic-brand chili (preferably dented)
• 4 slices of bread (any combination of white, stale, or suspiciously damp)
• 1 leftover hotdog (or “meat stick” from gas station)
• 2 slices of Velveeta (still in plastic)
• A splash of expired ranch dressing
• A handful of crumbled pork rinds for texture
• Half a Mountain Dew
• One iron (yes, like for shirts) or two heated license plates

Directions:

1. Stumble into the kitchen after a “quick nap” that started during a Clint Eastwood movie and ended when your dog barked at a squirrel in its dreams.
2. Slap two slices of bread down on the ironing board, yelling, “We cookin’ fancy tonight!”
3. On one slice, layer chili, hotdog chunks, Velveeta, and ranch. Sprinkle with pork rinds for a gourmet crunch. Top it with the other slice like you mean it.
4. Now here comes the science: plug in the clothes iron, smash it down on top of the sandwich, and hold it while muttering something about how your ex never believed in your dreams. (Alternative: heat two license plates over a bonfire and use like a panini press. Totally safe… ish.)
5. When the Velveeta is bubbling and you can smell “progress,” it’s done.
6. Wash it all down with the flat half-can of Mountain Dew you found on the porch railing.

Optional Garnish: Serve with a side of instant mashed potatoes stirred with a screwdriver handle.

Hank says:

I made it at 2:30 AM, ate it at 2:33, and deeply regretted it by 2:37. But I’d do it again. That’s the power of melted cheese and poor decisions.

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